June 26, 2009 Heroes, celebrities, music

We were uncertain whether to blog about Michael Jackson’s death since we’re in the business of flambéing tabloid-fodder celebs whenever we have the opportunity (though we must stress how much we also relish poking a stick in the common man’s ribs).

Michael Jackson was the king of the tabloids (who until yesterday were referring to him as “The Self-Proclaimed King of Pop” – get ready for more shameless post-mortem backstepping than after Diana’s death), the wellspring of more checkout-aisle drivel than anyone who has ever lived – yes, we stand by what would be hyperbole about anyone else – and the punchline to more late-night monologue jokes than OJ Simpson and any two American presidents you got combined. Hell as recently as Monday, we were pulling out of the gift-that-keeps-giving Jacko joke bag.

But we’re also children’ of the 1980s, a decade that thankfully preceded the YouTube generation. Had somebody’s mobile phone camera been trained on us back in those days you might have seen one or both of us in those leather jackets with zippers, pitting a Michael Jackson doll in an uneven fight with a Mr. T action figure, or wearing one glove (doing so and coming through Canadian winters with all fingers accounted for was just good luck). Neither of us would ever own up to behind-closed-doors moonwalking, but let’s just say that Michael Jackson was as much a part of 80s childhoods as He-Man, bad cinema, and insatiable yuppie greed that shat on the hopes and ideals of the two decades that preceded it.

Chris remembers hearing Thriller for the first time at his cousin’s house and it blowing his mind. Noel remembers a running feud with an older neighbor kid who ridiculed him for saying (in the chirpish voice of youth) that Thriller and Bad were awesome. The neighbor insisted that Michael Jackson was just a poor man’s Lionel Richie and was not afraid of doling out a noogie to get his point across. (If that guy’s reading today, let’s just say that, Thriller, the best-selling album of all time – which in effect is an untouchable record because computer piracy has killed the album – well, it wasn’t put out by Lionel.) What we both remember are sounds that will forever be there in our minds. We think back to our childhoods and remember this music and – unlike the majority of 80s television and the second Terminator film – it stands the test of time, and we give ourselves credit for not having tin ears at that age.

Of course, then there were the 1990s. Michael Jackson’s musical output deteriorated and things got from cute weird – who wouldn’t want a pet chimpanzee (though maybe not to hang around with an aged Liz Taylor) – to the kind of weird that made liking him as a musician an awkward thing to admit.

It seems that if you’re a celebrity from a humble start, that included in the welcome gift bag you get upon entry into the club of the super fabulous is a posse of bloodsuckers incapable of giving advice other than “I think it’s time you sign the monthly pay slips, boss.” Throw in a mind that is not exactly a specimen of sound health and the results are inevitable – Howard Hughes insane and pissing in specimen bottles while his fortune crumbles, Mike Tyson boxing tomato cans for the minimal cash that’s in it, Michael Jackson building the Neverland Ranch, and inviting children into a world that screamed, “We find on behalf of the plaintiff”.

The charges against him lose some steam when you look at those making them.  What manner of person sends their kids for pajama parties at the home of a pop star who is, at best, a troubled middle-aged man who thinks cotton candy should be available on demand?

We’re not the types to look back on Annie Hall or Hannah and Her Sisters with a perspective skewed by the Soon-Yi affair – they remain classics… though we will drop Woody like a turd from a tall horse if he does another film with Scarlett Johansson. (Some things are just unforgivable). A creative work of merit stands above and apart from the personal shortcomings of its creator. Thank the pharaohs for that or we’d be in trouble.

For those of us who grew up with his sounds causing us early ear drum damage, his music gets the first two or three tracks of our life soundtracks.

Michael Jackson produced more great music between the ages of six and eight than any of the Idol programs will produce in their entire run. R.I.P.

June 22, 2009 celebrities, lists

Being a father isn’t easy unless your ticket into that fraternity was deposited into a specimen jar and handed with a sheepish look to someone in a lab coat. It’s true that men do not have to go through pregnancies and what must be the unspeakable horror of passing a live being through one’s loins, but we do have to witness our favorite comedians dumping their best material for “new daddy” jokes and depending on the comedian, that can be far more traumatic.

Fatherhood is one of the most difficult challenges a man can face that’s brought on by the lack of an all-night pharmacy within a frenzied five-minute walk. Average fathers face enough of a challenge these days deciding on how to best to fill one’s offspring’s head with every half-baked idea one has had and brow-beating said offspring into taking on your your long-dead dreams as their own. Add to that the pressures of being rich and famous– chief among them having to be a whoring, neglectful scoundrel — and it’s no surprise that fatherhood has proven tough for some celebs.

We thought we’d offer a quick rundown of some examples celebs have given workaday egg fertilizers on how NOT to parent children. We’ve selected here moments rather than just all around awful parenting, as the latter list would likely run until the next greeting-card generated holiday. Here are our Top 5 Bad Celebrity Father Moments!

And he also loaded his kids up on carbs.

5) Hulk Hogan’s jailhouse pep talk to son: The children of celebrities are often seen as shallow, self-centred pricks of the first order and while this is probably mostly true, they did not get that way without the help of some godawful parenting. In 2007, Nick Hogan, issue of pater Hulk, was arrested for reckless driving that resulted in a friend of the family needing nursing home care for the rest of his life.

Hulk told his boy to take his medicine, learn from the incident and return to the road in a Volvo to be driven at reasonable speeds and only in good weather conditions. Well, no. In a jailhouse conversation with his son that was — in the great tradition of law enforcement — leaked to TMZ.com, the elder Hogan laid this running legdrop of a sentiment on the now near vegetative victim of the crash: “Well, I don’t know what type of person John was. Or what he did to get himself in this situation. I know he was pretty aggressive and yelled at people and do stuff. And for some reason God laid some heavy shit on that kid.” In addition to some troubling theism, the Hulkster effectively gets the 1-2-3 count on any sense of personal responsibility his son could have ever hoped to develop.

Alec Baldwin and a little girl who may or not be a "thoughtless pig".

4) Alec Baldwin cusses out daughter on voicemail: Moving on from the Hulkster — himself currently in the midst of an acrimonious divorce — we turn to another case of high-profile parents duking it out in celebrity divorce hell. Alec Baldwin was the envy of every heterosexual male who passed puberty with flying colours when he shacked up with Kim Basinger. Those who remember him in those early days as “that smug prick who married Kim Basinger” would later get a bit of schadenfreude from his nasty divorce battle with said 80s fine business. As with many people capable of hiring attorneys whose moneyclips are worth more than what’s in our bank accounts, their divorce became nasty and custody for rights became a point of contention. In the heat of battle, Alec placed a call to his daughter, who had her phone off at the time.

He was livid and left a voicemail with the kind of abuse that would have been better targeted at, say, a roofer: “You have insulted me. You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old [Editor's Note: That he apparently forgot his daughter's age could not have been in his favor come custody hearing] … You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.” After issuing what might sound to the untrained ear like a death threat, Baldwin closes with that old pappy stand-by: “I’m going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?”

3) Michael Jackson dangles baby outside window: Somehow Michael Jackson is not the first name that springs to mind when you think of fine quality paternal stock. Aside from spending a fair portion of his life either in court with or paying shakedown money to parents accusing him of acts that would hopefully see his application as a boy scout master turned down, Jackson also had one of the most baffling and creepy conception dramas in celeb-dom.

In 2002, worldwide media, always thrilled to have the opportunity to rhyme something with “Jacko”, leaped on footage of Jackson holding his infant son over the railing of a high-floor balcony in a German hotel. An outrage ensued, perhaps because fans were worried (and undoubtedly justifiably so) that Jackson would not have the muscle mass to hold onto the under 10kg infant for any length of time, and that the term bouncing baby boy would be sorely tested.

2) Crocodile Hunter dangles baby IN FRONT OF CROCODILE: In keeping on with our theme of infant endangerment — one of our favorites to rap on — we bring you — CRIKEY! — to the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. In 2004, everybody’s favorite Paul Hogan in shorts brought his infant son into a crocodile enclosure and fed a whole chicken to the croc while, cradled in his other arm, Irwin’s clueless baby offered a tasty after-dinner alternative.

In response to charges that introducing one’s baby into the enclosure of a man-eating beast was perhaps something less than stellar parenting, Irwin stressed the need for his children to be “croc savvy”, lamely suggesting that there was some sort of educational component in it for his month-old son, an age at which most kids are learning to successfully poop. Suffice it to say that when Irwin got the business end of a stingray a few years later and the tributes rolled in, this incident was not at the top of the lifetime highlight reels.

1) Woody Allen seduces and marries adopted stepdaughter: Leaving Mia Farrow for her adopted stepdaughter Soon Yi Previn put Woody Allen at the tip of everybody’s tongue when old lech syndrome came up and did almost as much damage to his reputation as a father and husband as Scoop did to his cred as a man capable of making a funny film. Personally we think Woody gets an unfair rap on this issue — after all, given Mia Farrow’s decades-old propensity for adopting disadvantaged children, chances are that you’d end up meeting at least one of them on any given round of speed-dating. But the Woodster did nothing to turn naysayers to his cause in Wild Man Blues, a rare documentary look into his private life (while on tour with a band as a clarinetist). At one point, marvelling on how far his bride has come along, he calls her, “this kid who was eating out of garbage pails in Korea.”

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY FROM THE SHARK GUYS!

May 26, 2009 celebrities

We will return to regularly scheduled programming shortly, but unlike those PBS pledge drives, we won’t keep you waiting three quarters of an hour for ‘Enchanting Venice: The Queen of the Adriatic’ while mugs and tote bags bearing that name are hawked. These were left on the cutting-room floor as we were compiling our People who Look like Frankenstein post. Stay tuned, and please check out Eastwood, Bukowski and Rickles.

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