November 17, 2008 celebrities

According to reports, the Beatles’ experimental song Carnival of Light includes gargling, distorted guitar and shouts of ”Are you alright?”, or to put it another way, complaints that would rouse an apartment building superintendent at 4AM.

Apparently, during the Penny Lane sessions when he penned his 14-minute opus, Macca was gleaning inspiration from avant garde composer John Cage, perhaps best known for 4′33, a ‘completely silent composition’, which prompts the question: ‘if you were ever to attend a live performance, when would you applaud?’ Click here for an extraordinarily uninteresting sample, where the piece ‘allows the audience to absorb the sounds around them’, or to put it another way, the most conspicuous time to head to the bathroom.

One thing that can be said about the Cage piece, is that it can be performed by any instrument regardless of whether it’s in tune, or by anyone who can count to ‘273′, has access to throat lozenges and who doesn’t have gas (see the phrase ’silent but deadly’)

Further cementing his legacy as the least interesting Beatle, Sir Paul’s musical direction for these recording sessions included the decidedly un-Cagian: ”just wander round all of the stuff and bang it, shout, play it. It doesn’t need to make any sense.”

Speaking of not making sense, getting this song released is going to require legal challenges a la passage of the US bailout bill: approval from the widows Lennon, Harrison as well as Ringo Starr, even if his artistic contribution to the Beatles is comparable to those transients Picasso painted during his ’Blue Period’.

McCartney also expressed an interest recently in working with Bob Dylan, who unlike Paul has put out some of the most vital music of his career during the last decade, in what these days would be an asymmetrical collaboration akin to rolling an organ grinder across the stage during a performance by the Vienna Philharmonic.

In other Beatles news, their back catalog is now available for online purchase in a case of not only shutting the barn door while the horse is already gone, but putting a jockey on it and running it around the track a few times as everyone from Tallahassee to Tuvalu has downloaded everything the Fab Four has ever put out, including Carnival of Light, if and when it does see the light of day.

The dirge also apparently contains lots of organ and shouting ‘Barcelona’, but no word if the Maharishi was kicking a soccer ball around the studio during the recording.

Completists eagerly await the Revolver bass guitar tune-up sessions of 1966.

November 14, 2008 celebrities

Like many of our Canadian compatriots we are pretty ambivalent toward the British Royal Family. Sure, most Canadians have a soft spot for Queen Elizabeth, but that has more to do with her being on the currency and how good it feels to find a forgotten 20 in a pair of jeans you just washed.

We included only one tale involving royalty in our who’s who of drunks, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, and that concerned a footman who was adding whiskey to the water bowls of the royal corgis – an offense which, although funny, resulted in his demotion (and terrible canine hangovers during which the corgis wrote some of their best stuff).

Since then, when any royal is in the news we get all misty-eyed and almost regret the fact that this colorful family is no longer cracking the colonial whip and sending the degenerate misfits among their nobility to oversee our affairs.

Prince Harry, the third in line to the throne (the one the kings sit on, not where you can be found the morning after a night at Uncle Chili’s House of Hot), has long impressed us.

Unlike his elder brother, who has of late made a half-hearted effort to paint himself a fun loving guy by piloting RAF helicopters to private functions, Prince Harry has delivered time and again with drunken partying antics that, had they taken place in the 70s, would have caused someone to go wake up Rod Stewart and tell him all about it.

Prince Harry has partied with strippers, been involved in drunken scuffles with paparazzi, snorted vodka (for those interested in substances more traditionally snorted, check out our Top 10 Cocaine Songs of All Time) and… well… dressed up like a Nazi for a bit of a Halloween laugh.

And just now, when royal watchers figured the young man had his Windsor House in order, he’s befriended celebrity product endorser and star of cinema verite Paris Hilton, who recently took a shine to the prince’s girlfriend Chelsy.

According to reports they ‘talked for ages’, a doubtful prospect indeed as the heiress has a vocabulary less than what an adult gorilla can sign.

Recently, the prince’s old man Chuck was the subject of a 60th birthday roast during which Robin Williams regaled the crowd with jokes about Monica Lewinsky which would not have been out of place if it were 1998 and a “Yo, yo, whassup Wales? House of Windsor, keep it real” introduction that no doubt kept the coat check girls busy with a bottleneck to the exit.

November 5, 2008 Heroes, celebrities

Well after a presidential race that was far more fun to watch than, say, Dole v. Clinton 1996, Barack Obama, who, after the emergence of Sarah Palin became the sane person’s choice, has emerged victorious and will be sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America. Given that the economy is in the crapper and he’s taking over from a president with an approval rating hovering slightly above leprosy, it would take a monumental screw-up/opening fire on a troop of boy scouts for Obama to blow this one.

If George W Bush’s term as president proved anything, it’s that teetotalers should not be allowed to hold high political office. Abstaining makes them ornery and self-righteous, while at the same time robs them of the liquid courage needed to do things like, say, tell Dick Cheney to wait in the hall. But the question now is what kind of drinker is Barack Obama, and can he be trusted to stay sufficiently sauced so as to bolster America’s international standing and keep Joe Biden from attacking someone on the commute in. Here then we offer a snapshot of Obama the drinker.

Obama, known as “Barry” in high school, got his substance-abuse career off to a good start. In a speech to high school students late last year, Obama cataloged some of his so-called “bad decisions” during that time. (He went to high school in Hawaai for chrissakes — it would have been a “bad decision” to be a straight-laced nerd). “You know, [I] got into drinking. I experimented with drugs [specifically marijuana with the occasional coke-snort]… There was a whole stretch of time that I didn’t really apply myself a lot.”

Sounds like a great fun guy, right? Well, just remember that George W Bush reportedly once passed out in a bathtub at a Superbowl Party thrown by Hunter S. Thompson. Bush was, to quote Thompson, “a rich, beer-drunk yahoo with a big allowance who passes out in your bathtub.”

Bush was a far more impressive and accomplished partier and substance-abusing slacker than Barack Obama could have ever hoped to be, yet just look how he turned out. Early partying credentials mean little over the long term. What’s more important is how the president-elect works mind-altering substances into his life now. While we suspect he’s no stranger to a bit of after-dinner reefer, that sort of thing just does not play politically, so we’ll have to focus on booze.

Fortunately for America, it seems that Barack Obama, while not the kind of guy whose undershirts will turn yellow from too much boozing, still enjoys the tipple. In March, he made the more impressive showing at a bar of the two Democrat candidates – Hillary did her best, as we blogged here, but really it was one for the road for her. Obama ordered a Yuengling beer – a politician’s choice since it is a popular and locally made Pennsylvania beer.

What was more telling were his comments after placing the order, “Is it expensive though?… Wanna make sure it’s not some designer beer or something.” Here Obama made the questionable move of showing contempt for designer/microbrewed beer. He risked painting himself as one of those guys who will mock you for purchasing a nice microbrew “because it tastes the same as any other beer they got. Why waste your money?”

To his credit though, Obama has went out of his way to stress the fact that despite polls showing that the wine and cheese set worship him like Dr. Phil before the truth came out, he still enjoys drinking beer. It may have just been a sweet song for Joe Sixpack (the less violent cousin of John “Domestic Incident” Case of 24), but when Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes suggested that Obama didn’t like beer, he took strong objection: “Where does the story come from that…I don’t like beer? ” Obama asked. “C’mon, man,”

Also, to Obama’s great credit: He has his own beer. It’s in Kenya, and called “Senator,” but when the locals there order it, they do so by saying, “Give me an Obama,” which is pretty damn cool.

So it’s a mixed report card for Obama, and we can only wait to see how he performs as an alcohol-consuming president to fully assess his worth as a drinker. Regardless, in the spirit of fresh starts and fresh pints, we join many a soused resident of Chicago in raising a glass to the new president-elect and hope that there’s more cause for celebratory drinking – as opposed to the misery-drowning drinking of recent times – over the next four years.

October 8, 2008 celebrities, lists

The art of actually preparing a meal has become a thing of the past. Who among us (who is not collecting on a bogus personal injury claim) has the time to seek out the various ingredients needed to prepare a proper meal, not to mention all of the digit-endangering chopping and preparation, setting and watching of timers and fine-tuning the olfactory senses to the smell of something smoking in the kitchen?

Most of us are happy enough to sit with a heaping bowl of something microwaved back to life and watch shows like Iron Chef, America’s Next Food Network Star, and Top Chef. There’s something inspiring about seeing a chef make a gourmet Bouillabaisse out of shoe leather and good intentions. If you think hard enough about what’s on the television screen, your extra helping of Stouffers’ Artery Attacker will actually taste better. It’ll kill you just the same, but your remaining dinner time will be enjoyable before your calorie-hastened send-off to that big day-old sandwich cart in the sky.

But there are those, however rare, who go beyond scouring grocery store aisles for the boxed item with the fewest preparation directions. For these people, and allegedly for Jerry Seinfeld’s wife when she was thinking of what kind of book she should choose for her debut as a plagiarist (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!), there are cookbooks.

Through cookbooks you can learn the secrets of the world’s top chefs, without actually having to work in a kitchen. This is a bonus if you don’t like criminals, as the restaurant profession is second only to roofing when it comes to employing them.

Cookbook authorship, however, is not the sole domain of the likes of Gordon Ramsay, and that excitable fat guy with a head on him that looks like a 14-pound squash. Much like Top-10 lists, anybody can write a cookbook. Here are 10 that we’ve found that show how painfully true a statement that is. These are books — all currently being sold on Amazon — that are enough to cause even your most indiscriminate eater to pause mid-gorge and go on a monk-like regimen of fasting and coffee enemas. These are, in other words, the Top 10 Least Appetizing Cookbooks That Money Can Buy!

10) The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking with Balls: The first book on our list is a complete balls-up – hardy-har-har. Actually, we would have just spun out one cheap pun like that after another for this entry had the copy-editors of the world not beat us to it when the story of this book’s release made headlines around the world including: “Men may get testy at Cooking with Balls book” “On The Ball”, “Testicle recipe book is a load of b*llocks,”  and, our favorite, from The UK’s Sun newspaper of course, “This dish may contain nuts”.

All of the fuss surrounds a Serbian chef who has just published an e-book documenting his favorite recipes for cooking up the family pride of all manner of species; stallions, ostriches, bulls, and possibly even tree squirrels (a delightful appetizer from what we hear) are all subjected to the unkindest cut of all. The 45-year-old author, who is the male animals’ least favorite visitor at the local zoo, says that all “All testicles can be eaten,” while being generous enough to add, “Except human, of course.”

The e-book format allows the author to be more successful in his attempts to get his male readers to squirm, allowing as it does for downloadable videos showing the cook peeling off skin, uggh, slicing, (shrill scream) and… Alright, that’s enough of that.

9) “Classic Cooking With Coca-Cola”: Hate your teeth? Well, have we got the cookbook for you. Remember that childhood friend of yours who was always jealous of you for being able to guzzle Coke while he was sipping potato water and eating Melba toast? Well apparently his mother was wrong about Coke being able to dissolve a nail or a T-bone steak overnight. That’s an urban legend, but that a nail won’t disappear overnight in a glass of it is about the only positive thing that can be said of the effects of Coca-Cola.

But for those who spit in the eye of such things as keeping calories out of the stratosphere and also for those with excellent dental plans, this tome offers recipes such as Chocolate Coke Cake and microwave French Onion Soup (presumably with Coke). An alternative would be to stick your face in the sugar jar and lick away until you pass out or somebody pulls you away.

Just missed the Cut: The Wonder Bread Cookbook: Unless you’ve crashed in the mountains and your only alternative is a fleshy seatmate, or you’ve been lost at sea and a loaf of the stuff happens to float by, under no other circumstances should the human body ever ingest Wonder Bread.

The stuff is so devoid of fiber that it can be squeezed in half like an accordion and with whole grains completely purged from it (and Vitamin E, folate, phosphorus, thiamine, and a slew of nutrients usually found in bread missing as well) it’s the nutritional equivalent of taking gulps of air. Somehow the folks at Wonderbread, much like their Coca-Cola cousins have managed to fill a cookbook full of ideas of how you can stuff yourself with something completely devoid of anything nutritionally redeeming. It’s a Wonder that they managed to churn out 50 recipes for the stuff that aren’t 42 variations of PB & J.

8) “Microwave Cooking Made Easy”: The narrowest possible market we’ve come across yet, mainly those whose cooking skills extend to making popcorn while high and listening to The Great Gig in the Sky on repeat (or another, less well-known usage: drying out a bag of weed, making sure it doesn’t catch fire while nodding off). If you hosted a dinner party, casually leaving out an autographed copy of a Larry Flynt biography on the coffee table would be less damning to your character. Bouncing electromagnetic waves off food has been abandoned by every chef not currently serving 7-10 for manslaughter and requesting kitchen detail solely to get knife access. Because flavor reactions of the type normally required to not jeopardize friendships typically occur at temperatures outside of its range, microwaves are no longer in use as a serious cooking aid except by people who are confused by what it means to ‘broil’. As it says in the Amazon write-up, the author’s name is ’synononymous (sic) with Indian Cooking’. We couldn’t agree more.

7) Dining by the Stars: An Astrology Cookbook: While the title might suggest rubbing elbows with cast members of ER before you’re asked to settle your tab by some A-lister’s security staff, Dining by the Stars is actually about astrology, that ancient superstition adopted by people who insist sharing a birthday with someone means sharing their personality traits as well (a dreadful suggestion for one of us, who shares a birthday with Dane Cook — that’s definitely some bad celestial mojo).

While the only time we see stars is the result of one too many push-ups, or getting up off the couch too fast when the smoke alarm goes off, this tome offers a gastronomical guide for those who inexplicably look to the heavens for extraterrestrial lifestyle how-tos (100 million year old light emanating from balls of plasma–we checked and Chinese Plasma Balls are not among the choice recipes listed here)

Dining by the Stars classifies each sign of the zodiac, and listed for the reader are “dominant foods and condiments with which each is associated,” so that when your moon is in Uranus, a delightful basil pesto mustard can spice up that cosmic space chicken.

Given the glut of similarly themed books dotting store shelves, the author apparently did not have the prescience to realize that the market for such reserves, unlike the expanding universe, is a finite one (indicated by its dismal 2.5 million sales ranking on Amazon, or roughly in light years, the distance between our solar system and The Andromeda Galaxy or between astrologers and rational thinking).

6) All Elvis Cookbooks: The 1996 BBC documentary “The Burger & the King: The Life & Cuisine of Elvis Presley” grossed out its viewers with tales (taken from the King’s kitchen staff and friends) of the up to 100,000 calories that he consumed daily in the period leading up to his death, a figure the British Nutrition Foundation described in the film as “impossibly appalling” (an Asian elephant gets around on less). Much of this came in the form of “Fool’s Gold” sandwiches, an – to borrow a phrase – “impossibly appalling” concoction containing a jar of strawberry jam, a jar of peanut butter, and a pound of fried bacon. (Editor’s Note: Merely reading that last sentence means you have just ingested 10,000 calories.)

So when a human grease conduit such as the King of Rock and Roll passes away due to what the coroner described in that BBC documentary as “a terminal event on the commode”, what would make more sense than releasing a series of books celebrating a lifestyle that Brando or Orson Welles would have lost their own gigantic appetites just thinking about? Elvis’s mug — though rarely that of the “elephant in lingerie” years — has appeared on the covers of numerous cookbooks. Such titles include:  “Are You Hungry Tonight,” “Fit For a King: The Elvis Presley Cookbook”,” “All Cooked Up: Recipes and Memories from Elvis’ Friends and Family,” and “You Did Not Want to Do Elvis’ Laundry after He Started Eating Fool’s Gold Sandwiches: A Maid’s Tale” (the last one is merely rumored).

CLICK HERE FOR THE TOP FIVE LEAST APPETIZING COOKBOOKS MONEY CAN BUY!