July 10, 2010 | celebrities,lists

1. Man Without a Facebook Friend 
 
2. Slurred on a DUIer
 
3. Err America
 
4. Who Women Don’t Want
 
5. The Mud-Slinging Detective
 
6. Fried Chicken Run
 
7. Conspiracy Theory: It was the Jews All Along
 
8. Edgy Darkies
 
9. The Million Dollar Ho Tells
 
10. Mad, Drunk and Allegedly Violent Max

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July 6, 2010 | celebrities

As Canadians found out during her recent trip here, getting to meet the Queen is a major hassle, what with the crowds of ancients for whom she is still a relevant symbol as head of state milling about.  And indeed it is perhaps preferable to take in The Royal Presence from the comfort of your own living room and contemplate how unfair it is that you were born into a family where the only things passed down the blood line were heart disease and ugliness. To dull this pain, we recommend an appropriate booze such as Crown Royal whiskey, or if that’s in a section of the liquor store that is a little too high rent, perhaps just a few bottles of Olde English malt liquor and some artery-clogging tasteless food that’ll sit in your stomach like a rock for weeks.

If you do, however, decide to brave the daylight and are granted access to The Royal Presence, or if you’re called in to take part in a royal review — where indigenous people are paraded about and subjected to the oblivious ethnic slurs of Prince Phillip — then you must observe certain points of protocol that clearly demarcate those born with a divine birth right from those whose birth is followed by paternity testing and a lengthy court battle.

Some of these have been detailed previously, such as:  “During meals, the Queen eats first and when she stops the others at the table stop. Eat what is served and do not request anything more or less.” However, when it comes to royalty, there simply cannot be enough protocol and in that spirit we offer you our 15 Etiquette Tips For Meeting Her Majesty The Queen of England!

1. Should your country feature a likeness of the Queen on its currency, have a bit of fun by holding a bill to Her Majesty’s face to compare and remarking, “Not exactly last year’s driver’s licence, is it love?”

2. Like a child in a perfect world, do not speak until spoken to—and to make sure this protocol is not violated, adhere to this twice—mollifying potential awkwardness by leaning in after her initial remark, with a hand cupped to your ear indicating it was not heard.

3. When the Queen stops eating/drinking, it’s acceptable to order another round of drinks with an index finger raised in the air and with a counter-clockwise circular motion.

4. Should you be granted an audience with Her Majesty in a room,  it is considered the height of impropriety to leave the Royal Presence in the manner considered acceptable for almost all other human beings — i.e. turning around and walking out.  As with a tweaking crystal meth addict who’s short on cash, it is never wise to turn your back on Her Majesty.  Instead, walk backward with your arms windmilling behind you to avoid other people or large potted plants.  Backflips are verboten.

5. Avoid contentious topics such as asking Her Majesty if she’s hung around this long due to her own good health or just a fervent desire to keep her oafish son from the throne for as long as possible.

6. Show solidarity by introducing your wife as your first cousin even if you are of different ethnicities.

7. When in the presence of the Royal Corgis, traditional pooper scoopers are frowned upon. Instead employ the metal tongs normally used for ice and a silk bag.

8. Should the unthinkable happen and Her Majesty drop her handbag, it is considered acceptably amusing to feign a struggle when picking it up for her and saying, “What the hell do you have in here, a brick?”

9. In terms of personal contact, only accept and never initiate chest bumps. Also a double high-five and bro hug are accepted protocol. However it is considered gauche to give thumbs up to your buddies for a photo op or, like a licentious relative, hold the embrace for longer than what would be deemed acceptable in a family setting.

10. Don’t say “pleased to meet you”, which is thought to be redundant as most people are pleased to meet the Queen. Say something more ambiguous like “European Union, indeed!” or simply lift your eyebrows in a “What next?” gesture.

11. Always stand, unless you physically can’t in which case it is acceptable to throw aside crutches and make a miraculously recovery in front of Her Majesty, provided royal photographers are ready to mark the moment for posterity.

12. Refer to her as Ace Queen or Royal Flush at all times, unless you’re seated in a less formal setting— like a poker table, where you call her ‘toots’. The Queen’s biographer Robert Lacey warns that people should never yell out Queen or Queenie as she walks past, as “That would be considered rather aggressive.” Instead, opt for ‘check mate’.

13. Do not mimic her accent, instead, copy a less common regional variant—West Midlands for example, and point out, self-deprecatingly, that you’ll do better next time.

14. As a Canadian, ask her in hushed tones, “But really now, you do prefer us to the bloody Aussies, right?”

15. Despite the obvious temptation, avoid falling for the ‘pull my finger’ gambit, especially if she is wearing white gloves (this is an obvious precursor to the ‘left holding the white glove’ gag).

June 10, 2010 | celebrities,lists

For the price of a small sedan you can roll out of your plastic surgeon’s office with all the standard features – a nose that looks sculpted and not by someone on academic probation at the community college, hair as thick and lustrous as the finest pole dancer’s wig, and breasts that could double as a flak jacket.

But while a few thousand bucks can get a better looking face grafted on to the mug genetics gave you, a new voice – at least one that doesn’t sound like Stephen Hawking – is harder to come by.  You’re pretty much stuck with the terrible sound that you hear when you check your outgoing message unless you take on vows of silence as part of the monastic life or a loveless marriage.

Some people are fortunate enough to have terrific, resonant voices that make their careers. Vincent Price, for example, would not be able to hold up a bank while incognito, both because he’s dead (sentient mobility being an integral part of any escape plan), but because even the most terrified clerk would recognize him immediately as “that guy from Thriller”. James Earl Jones too is another one who could call you up and keep you entranced for hours while reciting the dinner specials at the Four Seasons.

Then there are these people, the tormentors of the blind and bed-ridden who are left with no other distractions. These are people who make one grateful for the Spanish audio track option even if you don’t speak the lingo. It’s a marvel that these people have managed success in their various fields, most of which require them to expel more air than normal for a living. So shove in the earplugs as we present 10 answers to James Lipton’s end-of-interview question, “What’s your least favourite sound?” Here are the Top 10 Most Annoying Voices!

10.    Nicolas Cage, Actor.

Cage speaks slower than a phone sex operator with a thyroid condition. As Kathleen Turner put it (black pot, meet kettle) “Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth!” We’re not sure if these are related.

Here he describes a voice role where he was channeling Mel Blanc which, if you were playing word association with the phrase “Nic Cage”, would come right after “hedge trimmer” in prevalence.  

9. Chris Berman, NFL Analyst.

Bellowing blowhard NFL commentator Berman never met a reference to 70s rock he didn’t like—the Grateful Dead being an integral cultural reference for a field goal or diving catch.

9. Rachael Ray, TV Chef.

Dubbed a ‘bobble-head’ by Anthony Bourdain, nerves are grated along with cheese on her show –it’s her Upstate New York by way of New England pack-a-day husk and catchphrases like E.V.O.O. (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) and yummo! Fittingly, her husband plays in a rock band called The Cringe. Probably not quite as deserving of web vitriol as some other celebs (we’re looking at you Bono),  though we would not want to be walking through the woods with her during mallard mating season.

Honorable Mention: Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert gets a bit of a pass here as a great stand up and killer guest on Howard Stern, besides telling splendid rendition of the Aristocrats joke.

8. Ray Romano, Comedian / Actor.

The first person on this list who might require putting what he does in quotation marks, Romano is proof you don’t need to be a tin-pot dictator to get your own TV show, but that the forces of sheer dumb luck can sometimes prevail. Romano’s nasally New York accent was featured on an inspired Family Guy as a guest panelist alongside Kermit the Frog, Harold Ramis and Al Michaels, each indistinguishable from the other. As Muppet and SCTV fans (and because we can’t have more than two sports commentators on a list without violating some kind of established list decorum) they get honorable mention here, with Romano the Top Dog (or in this case frog).

7. Harvey Fierstein, Actor, Playwright.

Broadway notable Fierstein once opined, “I think the average voice is like 70 percent tone and 30 percent noise. My voice is 95 percent noise”. He was possibly not being generous enough as he sounds like he adopts a daily regimen of yelling “fire”, primal scream therapy and gargling with industrial solvents.

6. Dick Vitale, Basketball Analyst.

You’d be forgiven for thinking al Qaeda has struck again or that scientists have finally solved the mysteries of alchemy given the wild hysterics Vitale goes into describing amateur athletics from the US Midwest.

5. Rosie O’Donnell, TV Host, Comedian.

One of the dauphines of dimwittedness (see our list of 9/11 Crackpots) that graced the View, which, as far as views goes should be an obstructed one (Liz Hasselbeck excepted) O’Donnell, in addition to having a strident maw, is a one-woman argument for upgrading basic cable. She is presently the host of “Rosie Radio”, which at least means there’s no visual component.

4. Richard Quest, Journalist CNN.

As it says in his bio, Quest “is one of the most instantly recognizable members of the CNN team”, perhaps because the Liverpudlian articulates through clenched teeth and gets completely wound up discussing central banks and using bar props to elaborate macro-economic principles.

3. Fran Drescher, Actress.

Drescher had a scene-stealing turn as A&R rep Bobbi Flekman in This is Spinal Tap, but The Nanny and Living with Fran set a TV gold standard for annoying voices that has yet to be topped, unless a variety talent show featuring impressions and the following members of this list is green-lighted.

2.    Chris Tucker, Actor.

Google the words “ruined Fifth Element” and Chris Tucker’s name appears prominently among the hits and deservedly so as he ruined that otherwise decent film with his perpetual motion machine of a mouth. In Dead Presidents, he played a character called “Skip”, which is what we make a mental note to do when a trailer promises that a film will include his high-pitched antics.

1. Henry Kissinger, Former National Security Advisor and Secretary of State

Legend has it that back in the 1970s, bombing campaigns in Southeast Asia were extended by hours simply because of how long it took Henry Kissinger to croak out the orders to call them off.

He has the kind of guttural baritone one associates with a late-night caller who is in a darkened apartment in the high-rise across the road, watching with binoculars while wearing nothing but a raincoat.