June 26, 2010 | Sports

One reason psychics have shied away from making predictions online, is that sites like this one have exposed them for being frauds. Now, being honest and upstanding sorts, we thought we’d revisit certain predictions we’ve made here, which, like those of celestial prognosticators, were almost overwhelmingly wrong.

We of course, are referring to those made for the World Cup.

Now, it’s true our predictions differed from star gazer flights of fancy in that there were certain objective criteria (South Korea never having beaten any team from South America, New Zealand being comprised of non professionals) which could be called upon for sensible decision making. Now, while we admit to our personal failings vis-à-vis beautiful game soothsaying, our insights are at least much less likely to lighten the load on your wallet (if you feel the need to pay us for our predictions, we can work out a PayPal arrangement).  

Group A: Our picks: Mexico and France. As we all know, France was ousted and a star striker referred to the coach as a ‘dirty son of a whore’, which, according to books on team-building—is less likely than Gatorade and orange slices to build effective athletic cohesion. Actual Outcome: Mexico and Uruguay. So, we were half right, which isn’t half bad. A 50% success rate means we might be called upon to determine interest rate moves for the Central Bank. That being said, Mexico has about as much chance of advancing in the next round against Argentina as the Pope-mobile does of getting modifications on Pimp My Ride.

Group B: Our picks: Argentina and Greece. The latter was ousted, unfortunately, at least in terms of the country being able to repay all those EU loans with the incremental boost in alcoholism and associated business spending their advancement in the tournament would have provided. We were half right, which, if you are keeping score at home, is on par with flipping a coin. We touted Greece’s dull, defensive-minded football—which didn’t exactly pan out as they conceded multiple goals in two of their games and booked early flights home.

Group C: Our picks: England and USA. We hold this up as the gold standard. Spot-on accuracy of the type that would lend itself to a large, offshore betting account funded through cash that would ordinarily be set aside for retirement or laundered. In deference to the finest in ethnic-baiting 80s wrestling, we chant U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!.

Group D: Our picks: Germany and Serbia. The latter was ousted however, to our credit beat the European stalwarts in a major upset. We count this as a kind of victory, even if Ghana did eventually go through despite losing to Germany. Consider our tournament Eastern Euro dark horse, dead, so let’s not beat it any longer.

Group E: Our picks: Holland and Denmark. The latter was unceremoniously booted by group of 16 advancers Japan. Why didn’t we select Japan from the get-go? These are questions we might address in future revisionist posts, should our current crop of predictions go awry.

Group F:  Our picks: Slovakia and Italy. The latter failed to score the opening goal in each of their 3 group matches, which, like an unattended stove, is unlikely to produce a favorable outcome. The only thing that kept the Italians from being the total disgrace of the tournament, was the entire French team walking out in the middle of practise and having had to explain their shoddy performance to no less than President Sarkozy.

Group G: Our picks: Portugal and Brazil. Again, bang on accuracy. Of course, even parts of the globe where food and supplies have to be air-lifted in and who still practice forms of cannibalism, would’ve been able to make this prediction. In their battle, the English commentator opined: “We are hoping for a football feast and we are sitting at the table hoping for the bread rolls to arrive.” Well, delicious baked goods were not forthcoming as that game ended in a staggeringly dull affair.   

Group H: Our picks: Spain and Chile. Total, spot-on accuracy. We’re getting good at this. If this site has not updated in a while, it means that we’ve expanded our Top 10 Humor List business model to include sports betting consultation. Chile, down to 10 men after a bizarre red card, mostly held tournament favorites in check despite losing.

Next Round Picks: Uruguay, USA, Germany, Argentina, Holland, Brazil, Japan, Spain. Of course, going into the next round, we can right all our previous prediction wrongs.