May 7, 2010 | lists

Alfred Hitchcock once said, “Television is like a toaster. You press a button and the same thing pops up every time.”

In the spirit of the TV spin-off, whereby a popular cast member is given their own, invariably awful show or a dart is hurled at a map of the continental United States to pick the next CSI locale, we’re going to expand our list of 10 TV Show Ideas.  

We hope that by doing so, we’ll give network executives pause and during a moment of soul-searching (imagine your mouse cursor turning into an hourglass) before returning to their lines of blow and Moldovan callgirls— they’ll consider expediting the following into production for the fall season.

10. The Real Housewives of Amish Country

Shy, reserved hausfraus milk cows, sew, churn butter and continue to bemoan the intrusion of modern technology into their lives.

9. The Polygamist Umpire

Panel of comedians desperate to get out of the stand-up circuit and head up a sitcom household, judge who is charming and desperate enough to become a Utah polygamist millionaire’s next wife.

8. That’s Debatable!

Spin-off of Glee, features the school’s debating society, who lose continuously and fail to drum up interest due to the school’s resources being focused on the cheerleaders and the glee club. Pilot: head debater, an awkward honor-roll student loses purity ring down a sewer and fends off advances from the school skank.

7. Pine Bluff 71602

Family socially ostracized for their less than extravagant spending habits, move from Beverley Hills to Pine Bluff Arkansas, the ZIP code from which the show’s title is obviously derived. Cast members from both the spin-off and original show appear via road trips and trade shows, to smugly mock the locals’ backward ways and try and convince the family to return to Los Angeles.

6. What Not to Wear, Orthodox Edition

Hosts make over Hasidic Jews and conservative Muslism. Mauve is not the new black. Women in Burqas given empire silhouettes.

5. Sex & the Whistle Stop

Four sex-obsessed 30-something (ahem) bachelorettes bemoan the lack of eligible, single men in a town of 2800 people.

4. Top Chef: College Edition

16 College coeds of varying degrees of sobriety and STD affliction, compete to cook ramen noodles without causing a 3-alarm blaze in their dorm.

3. Crack Pots

10 chiropractors attempt to convince a panel of real doctors that what they do for a living is worthwhile. Pilot: 10 patients are treated and will undergo continuous treatment at great expense assuming the network picks up the next 4-6 seasons.

2. Numbers Up

Psychic becomes alienated from friends and family by his inability to ever accurately predict lottery numbers or much of anything whatsoever. Critics hail it as the most realistic depiction of psychics ever brought to television.

1. The Biggest Winner

24 scrawny contenders bid to gain as much weight as possible in a month. Pilot: Show fraught with difficulties as doctors are hesitant to sign off on the highly detailed and complicated waiver forms. Morgan Spurlock of Super Size Me fame to host, provided copyright-infringing lawsuits are settled.