March 22, 2010 | Rants,weird news

Earlier this month, we posted our list of the Top 7 Killer Whale Attacks (rated by severity of attack – no points for style), which culminated in an orca’s recent drowning of a Florida SeaWorld trainer. Despite the cute names given them – the perpetrator of the Florida attack and No. 2 and 3 on the list has the pet potbelly pig name “Tilly” – killer whales have an unsurprisingly amoral outlook when it comes to treating their human trainers as the in-tank equivalent of children’s bathtub toys. Such attacks could well make people reconsider the value of spending an afternoon watching trained seals toot out the Ballad of the Green Beret and being splashed with germy water. Marine mammal stunt shows must be put in the past, and their one-time popularity remembered as a source of collective shame, like the success of TV’s Growing Pains.

For SeaWorld public-relations officials, long touting the educational benefit of having killer whales intercept footballs, the recent death of one of their trainers brought unwanted attention. A solution was required.

Here are some choices SeaWorld could have made in the wake of the trainer’s death, along with one they did actually make. Free fish from the chum bucket for those who pick SeaWorld’s strategy:

• Announce a plan to shut down all parks, sending the animals unfit for reintegration in the wild to preserves and banning captive breeding.
• Implement a new policy to lessen the need for humans and whales to interact. This could possibly involve body-checking the odd sea lion into the whale’s tank, or having apes in wetsuits stand in for trainers during shows.
• Please the vengeful by announcing “Tilly Burger Sunday”.
• Give trainers a giant toothbrush and wish them all the best.

The picture might have tipped you off, but if you guessed “Giant toothbrush”, you’re right. Trainers, wisely not wanting to get too close to Tilly, have developed a 2-foot extension to the toothbrush they use to polish the orca’s pearlies. Whether three-time killer Tilly will be dissuaded from satiating his blood lust by this change in his oral upkeep remains to be seen.