February 27, 2010 | Sports
Honorable Mention to this Russian bobsledder celebrating his good fortune after a competitor crashed.
With the globe heating up and polar bears circling the drain, it won’t be long before the mud slide becomes a demonstration sport and the Winter Olympics are no more. The few countries in the world that experience snow should enjoy the games them while they can.
We are fair-weather sports fans – we don’t venture outside if it’s too cold and don’t give a much of a hoot about sports in general – but we can appreciate the aerial snowboard acrobatics that always seem a hair’s breadth away from a wheelchair fitting, and the death-defying trips down frozen water slides (though sadly in the case of a Georgian luger death was not defied enough).
Despite having half the countries and a fraction of the athletes who’d ordinarily compete in the Summer Games, otherwise known as the real Olympics, the Vancouver Winter Olympics have had their share of scandal. The Games have not produced their own Tonya Harding, which is probably for the best when you consider that drama’s conclusion in a trashy sex tape and foxy boxing. But they have had enough gaffes, and minor scandals to keep us interested and raising our score cards like corrupt Russian pair figure-skating judges paid off by the mafia. And here is our rundown of the Top 10 Winter Olympic Scandals!
Note: We didn’t include the unfortunate Georgian’s death here, as it doesn’t seem overly scandalous for someone to perish doing something so dangerous it makes Formula 1 look like paddle boating,
10. Glitch-ridden Opening Ceremonies/Logistical Nightmares
The botched ceremonial lighting of the giant spliffs in the opening ceremonies (this is the home of BC bud after all) did not auger well for the rest of the 2010 Games. Of course, neither did the lousy anthem rendition nor for that matter the malfunctioning mechanism meant to raise the cauldron, which, like the drummer in Def Leppard, was missing an arm.
With alpine skiers hurtling downhill at speeds often exceeding 100 mph, ironically it was spectator safety that came under the microscope when an area to house them had to be closed. The Vancouver Olympic Committee said it was forced to refund 20,000 tickets after warm temps and heavy rain made the standing area at the Cypress snowboard stadium a safety hazard. Also, bus shortages, Zamboni lemons, Canadian athlete venue-hogging, ticket gouging, Biathlon starting line blunders, empty seats at supposedly sold out events dampened more spirits than drinks by an unscrupulous bartender.
9. Athletes Turfed due to Doping
Winter Olympians are just as drug-fueled as their summer counterparts only it’s harder to tell because of the heavy winter coats they wear. And not surprisingly more than 30 Olympic hopefuls were barred from the games as a result of doping. No word yet on whether an alternative, All Drugs, Angry Men With Shrunken Testicles and Receding Hairline and Women Who Can Sing Baritone Olympics will be held for these athletes.
8. PWN the Podium
Canada dominates the world in one sport: hockey. It also dominates curling, which is not so much a sport as shuffleboard on ice with maid service that makes the professional dart circuit look like the triathlon in terms of athleticism. The government aimed to change this bi-sport dominion with the arrogantly named ‘Own the Podium’ initiative, which resulted in more money being thrown at our athletes than a bachelor party blackjack table. For the hundreds of millions spent, it was thought that Canadians would reign supreme over all other countries. And then Norway, which has a population roughly that of Toronto, nearly knocked Canada out of the top three. Canada not only doesn’t own the podium, it hasn’t even put a security deposit down on it.
7. Scotty Lago Photo Scandal
As one blogger wag put it, Scotty Lago got his half-pipe bronzed. Lago is part of professional snowboarding culture, which, as we know, is highly principled and beyond moral reproach. Lago was beaming when he was photographed with a fan fellating his bronze medal, though he was not as pleased when the morality police running the show sent him a letter asking him to leave, lest he besmirch whatever good name the Winter Olympics has left after Salt Lake City.
The snowboarder later blamed the woman in the photo — pictured with more metal in her mouth than Ugly Betty — as having instigated the entire incident. But the question remains: What would she have done for a gold?
6. Barricade Falls at Alexisonfire Concert
The Canadian screamo act Alexisonfire were busy deafening thousands of tin ears when a barricade came down during their set, sending nine to hospital. Not heeding the words of words of Queen’s immortal ‘The Show Must Go On’, the show was abruptly canceled and the band joined the pop culture ranks of Curtis Mayfield, as being notable for having things collapse on them mid-song.
5. Olympic Security Personnel Controversy
The Disney-fied image of the Mountie stateside is decidedly at odds with the indiscriminately Tasering, scandal-plagued corrupt outfit we’ve come to know north of the 49th parallel.
The cost of Vancouver 2010 security is pegged at one billion dollars. What do you get a return for your investment? Well, round-the-clock protection of a guy who’ll, god forbid, become president if anything happens to Obama and a number of personnel being sent home for conduct that was deemed “unbecoming”. These included allegations of shoplifting, drunk and disorderly conduct, and even sexual assault.
4. Olympic Mitts Made in China
China, a Mao-venerating behemoth that burns more coal than most developed nations combined, depletes the ocean of its fish, spies on its citizens, oppresses Tibet, sends shoddy, dangerous goods to our shores, makes copyright infringing knock-offs, aggressively hunts endangered species to extinction—was naturally the first choice when it came to outsourcing of Olympic gear.
The Oprah-approved (that should tell you something) red mittens with a Maple Leaf on the palm, were a hot item and before anyone could object, it was pointed out that a percentage of the sticker price goes to supporting our athletes, so it’s OK!
3. Lotus Land No Fun. Beer and Liquor Stores Closed at 7pm.
With a reputation for nightlife rivaling Mormon speed-dating, Vancouver did not help its reputation as a place where the streets empty at midnight when security officials cracked down on the sale of booze at 7pm as part of a full-scale offensive on fun. This made the cordoned off, bylaw-mad Toronto come off as the Big Easy in comparison.
2. Heavy Handed Cauldron Security
Organizers are treating the Olympic cauldron like it’s the White House Lawn and as one observer put it, “People flocked by the thousands, hoping to snap a photo of themselves and the fire. Instead, they got a shot of themselves with opaque plastic, the flame barely licking over the top of the fence.” A Checkpoint Charlie approach to an Olympic icon earns a spot on our podium of distinction here.
1. Ladies Love Lager
It was a veritable brouhaha on blades (!) when the Canadian women’s hockey team celebrated routing the Americans and winning the gold by drinking beer and champagne and passing around a cigar (Editor’s Note: Passing around a cigar is not recommended as someone is bound to juice it after a couple of puffs).
The tut-tuts that this incident raised had nothing to do with their pedestrian, obvious choice in beer — they’re championship winning national team hockey players so Molson Canadian probably comes out of their taps at home — or the fact that one of them got ripped and tried to drive the Zamboni. Apparently it had to do largely with one of the players being about a month away from the legal drinking age of 19. Fortunately, this lame scandal fizzled out: Team Canada apologized for having brought this dark day upon our nation and the IOC stepped back from its threat to investigate the incident.
I’d like to point out the Canada has more gold medals than anyone else. So, yeah, we owned the TOP of the podium which – as far as the IOC measures – is all that counts.