January 11, 2010 | lists
It must be tough to be a psychic these days. In the glory days of hucksterism, psychics surely had their critics, but they were academic types who were a lot less fun than someone who could channel a posthumous belch from your great Aunt Bertha, or paint a picture of your future that did not include you farming rocks as had been your lot since birth. With the internet, the effect of one spectacle-sporting bookworm sticking his head in a window at a séance and calling shenanigans has multiplied exponentially. Websites such as Snopes and StopSylvia (as in Browne) have righted the bunk/debunker ratio and it is no longer in the favor of psychics.
In addition to critical websites, the internet offers an easily accessible archive of past predictions, which almost always end up wrong, correct because they were as obvious as predicting what a bear is likely to do in the woods after a heavy meal, or so vague that they could be construed to have tipped anything from the extinction of life on earth to someone who was raised by wolves winning the national spelling bee.
One would think that the cumulative shame of being exposed year after year as at worst a disingenuous liar and at best a really bad guesser would get to psychics. It seems, however, that when it comes to utter shamelessness, psychics are right up there with the very best and brightest on Wall Street. Combine that with short attention spans and an audience full of people more adept at suspending disbelief than the Vatican’s miracle-verifying squad and it’s not difficult to understand why psychics continue to thrive.
Last year, in our 2008 Predictions That Were Hilariously Off The Mark, we identified subject areas popular among soothsayers: entertainment, the environment, politics, etc, and compared the predictions of psychics in these areas with what actually happened in 2008. Misses registered exclusively across the board. 2008, though, was a big news year — Barack Obama’s election as president, the collapse of Lehman, the burning down of the clock tower from Back To The Future at Universal Studios — and it is not surprising that psychics were unable to reach into the deep wells of their asses and “predict” such momentous events. (Were there any truth to the notion that psychics are able to see into the future, surely these generation-defining events — at least the first two — would have emitted the psychic equivalent of the world’s most powerful mobile phone signal).
2009 was a comparatively quiet news year, aside from some big news events, such as Michael Jackson’s passing (which blindsided his friend and “psychic” Uri Geller). Did psychics peering into their crystal balls — some made out of tin due to the downturn — do any better this year than last? Medium rare is what you say to the surly guy who takes your order at the steakhouse, and rare is how often any of these mediums are correct in predicting the future. Here we look at the chestnuts offered by psychics who, if they were motor vehicles would be deemed unsafe at any speed and the subject of a nationwide recall.
From her bio: “Elizabeth came from the hills of Tennessee, an orphan whose father had shot himself in front of her at five; at that same time, she won out on a cancerous tumor bout under her tongue (sic) by the laying on of the hands of ministers in her neighborhood. It was during this time she was blessed with the gift of prophecy.”
This statement as well as the following should not only be taken with a grain of salt, but all of Lot’s columnar wife as well.
The red-faced Baron has channeled St. Catherine of Siena, a 14th century saint who luckily for the alleged psychic, ditched her native Italian after shuffling off her mortal coil. Baron has done this once a month since 1986 “to share St. Catherine’s insight on national and worldly issues”. The worth of what this saint would have to say, as someone who died nearly a decade before the advent of the Gutenberg press, is questionable unless her posthumous otherworldly reading list has been extensive. Here are are some of St Catherine’s gems:
“An airplane will go so fast that you can go from America to England ‘in no time!’ It is part of teaching from friends from other planets about the speed of light and world itself, that engineers and scientists know nothing about.”
What St. Catherine would conceive of as “in no time” is beyond us. Anyone in her day attempting a journey like that would never have returned, so seven or so hours in economy class seems like a good deal by comparison. As for the second part of this prognostication, we can’t say with certainty that pilots on Transatlantic flights did not have alien species sitting in their laps, teaching them how to get more miles to the gallon, but we reckon it’s safe to say that 2009 did not see an advancement in flight technology explainable only something out of a 70s Bowie song.
“The UN is going to change many policies. There will be a few new leaders in the UN to make changes. Non-corruption will take place in the future. Money flow will be watched and observed and money will be spent in much better ways. There will be more done about countries such as Darfur (sic). They can get worse before they can get better.”
Baron gets points for both her St. Catherine shtick, a great gimmick provided one does not think too deeply about it, and her ability to cram as many cliches and vagaries as possible into a short paragraph. “They can get worse before they get better,” would have to top a list of the most meaningless predictions a psychic can offer.
St. Catherine was, like many saints, probably someone with an undiagnosed mental illness; she claimed to have experienced a “mystical marriage with Jesus”. But she demonstrates a remarkable mental acuity when offering her geopolitical views via Baron.
“America through America’s own humility, will join forces with others. The other nations will not be intimidated so much by America. The people and the way they are doing business with Saudi Arabia and Japan, and all the different countries, they are really being more courteous than they have been in the past.”
Baron also says that President Obama could be an instrument of peace , “if he allows himself” to be, but that he is — get this — human and will make mistakes. She thus arrives at the shocking conclusion that Barack Obama’s presidency will be less antagonistic on the foreign policy front than that of his predecessor, an observation that would have been lost on all but the most perceptive political pundits.
But we can’t find fault with the following: “New laws will be passed that will be so very important to trade, which is one of the most important things.” Again, Psychic Handbook Chapter One, Page One: Embrace vagaries.
Michael Cohen of “One World Psychics”
Here’s what they came up with:
Bill Cosby and Robbie Williams should look after themselves. I am sensing possible heart problems. Nicole Kidman Should also be careful next year.
We’re not doctors, but they all seem fine to us—although Williams’ stand-up can render an audience catatonic.
Amy Winehouse will make a big comeback and recovery sometime in late 2009, Bruce Springsteen might enter politics.
Still waiting on these.
We previously called Sylvia Browne a “hideous old crone”, which is a bit unfair when you consider she is actually a “duplicitous, hideous old crone”.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in big trouble and could separate. Harrison Ford will have a health scare. Clint Eastwood will have varicose vein problems.
Choosing random aging actors and predicting ill health or death for them is an old psychic standby, but Harrison Ford wasn’t ready for the infirmary just yet, starring in an Indiana Jones sequel in 2008.
We doubt Dirty Harry has compression stockings but we give kudos where they’re due as Browne went out on a limb given that women suffer from the condition more than men….[Increasingly surly editor's note: she should be out on a ledge, not a limb]
As far as the Brangelina portmanteau goes, we welcomed the news Jolie recently hinted at—namely, that their relationship was an open one, which should keep them together indefinitely. Interestingly, Browne made the same prediction last year. She evidently really wishes the worst on Brangelina and she must get a psychic migraine every time the year passes and the couple has failed to fulfill her prophecy of doom.
Garcia, who has appeared on Larry King is a pretty well-known psychic. She offers 30 minute phone consultations for $105.00 (!) and private consultations where she will meet with you in person to do an intensive reading for $250.00 (!!!) an hour. We predict great contributions to her 401k.
We condense her BS buffet into these juicy morsels:
New spending increases on jobs, energy infrastructure, health care and education will all be implemented with little opposition.
The boldness of this one is almost admirable. Outside of totalitarian regimes, opposition against spending increases are commonplace.
The fastest selling automobiles this year are those Asian models like Nissan, Toyota, and all the new energy saving vehicles.
Toyota had the worst year in its history. CEO Akio Toyoda apologized after their largest ever recall and a $4.4 billion loss. In 2009 the Japanese giant announced that their first full-year loss in 70-plus years in operation. Nissan, according to Bloomberg News, slashed 20,000 jobs and posted its first loss in nine years at the beginning of 2009, finally returning to profitability in November of 09.
Don’t let the name fool you. This is not some kind of celestial matchmaking service, but the business of medium and medical intuitive Marisa Pell. Here’s an important disclosure statement from the site: “she is not a medical doctor and cannot diagnose or treat a medical condition.” What medical refers to then, we’re not sure.
In the summer of 09, I see a week long treacherous heat wave.
We offer this one to Ms. Pell as a freebie for next year’s predictions. “And in the winter a cold snap that could see temperatures somewhere on this planet drop to zero and even below zero.”
Those with joint, lower back, and muscular pain should be very careful this year and make sure to get exercise. The joints will not respond well to 2009 shifts.
This is not so much wrong as it is wacky.
People will start to come forward with religious corruption by men of faith. An orthodox Jewish rabbi (oh, a JEWISH rabbi) may also be at the center of the media due to frequenting illegal massage parlors. Prostitution rings will be uncovered only to find men of religious stature involved.
Points for creativity on this one, and we’re kind of sad this didn’t actually come true, but alas no major rabbi — Jewish or otherwise — was caught with his pants down in a house of ill repute. Better luck next year Ms. Pell
Nikki, one of the psychics who got everything wrong last year, is back again with another set of zeroes.
Sometimes it’s best to let the predictions speak for themselves:
Sarah Jessica Parker’s marriage will not last. Apropos of nothing, here is the excellent Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse.
Problems around Tom Hanks and wife.
Donald Trump may go broke and has to be careful of helicopters.
Large tornado in California.
Great fire in Chicago, close to the city center.
Marriage problems for the Bushes.
Stacey DeMarco, Psychic of the Year Australia. 
If you’re nominated for psychic of the year award, wouldn’t you be able to accept the prize in advance? According to reports, DeMarco reads coffee cup oracles, one of her ‘most developed powers’. She also makes a mean iced cappuccino. Furthermore, “She uses instinct to see things that most of us are blind to,” like the following:
“Australian PM Kevin Rudd will be beset with serious, maybe fatal heart problem”.
For an Australian, this is aiming pretty high, but somehow we doubt that her getting this wrong will lead to her title as psychic of the year being rescinded.
The Psychics and Mediums Network.
Here are a few gems, all of which fall into the “Hmm… Nope!” category:
There will be serious tensions within Europe as the Euro freefalls with both France and Germany threatening to leave.
Gordon Brown will be forced out of office and an early election will be called.
A number of Church of England bishops and senior ecclesiastical leaders convert to Catholicism simultaneously threatening to undermine the very existence of the church (Not much of a prediction considering this was already widely reported in 2008)
There is a world wide rekindling of socialist ideals and a major swing back towards communism in Russia.
There will be a major terrorist attack in Dubai.
There will be a serious pollution problem in France – possibly in Paris with the contamination of the River Seine.
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First, I would like to say that I would agree that there are psychics out there that are NOT LEGIT — and I have experienced many of them.
HOWEVER, please do your research before discrediting a legitimate medium. I myself had seen and had personal readings with Ms. Pell as well as many of my family and friends — my husband was actually a skeptic. There are first and last names that were mentioned along with dates of passings as well as things about my family that I didn’t even know until I asked other family members. She does not deserve to be in a category with palm readers and those in the psychic friends network!
Second, before you include her in your list of “psychics”, you should be aware on her website and from her session information, that she is NOT A PSYCHIC. She is a medium. There is a major difference.
Third, She does not make “predictions”, and if you actually watched her interview on FOX, she actually shares her view on how SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FUTURE PREDICTION. I looked on her site for these predictions that you mentioned and could not find what you are referring to.
I know she does monthly inspirational messages on her blog and yearly blogs on “energetic shifts”, but I cannot find where she says that she is making future predictions.
Being in the holistic field myself, I understand the disclaimer Ms. Pell has on her website. The FDA requires that no one other than an MD can diagnose or treat a medical condition. Go to a massage therapist, or read the back of your herbal remedy label, and you’ll find the same message.
As a sidenote, I did a little news search about this so called “rabbi scandal”. There is indeed a story that connects to what you wrote:
http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/1137435.html.
I did another google search on Ms. Pell and found nothing but positive press on her work. In this economy, people need hope and inspiration. I would urge you to look deeper into this before tarnishing someone’s good name.