January 6, 2010 | reviews

You’d think someone who many people think is the Antichrist would have a better security detail, because you know what they say, the devil is in the detail. After this recent breach, perhaps it’s time to revisit whether the pontiff can be properly protected by a combination of Italian police and the Swiss Guard and use the New York Jets offensive line instead. If you meet the following criteria, feel free to apply c/o

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI PP.
00120 Via del Pellegrino
Citta del Vaticano
OR
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI
Apostolic Palace
VATICAN CITY

Credentials: Security Guard License.

Work Setting: The Vatican, the world.

Work Conditions and Physical Capabilities: Attention to detail, combination of sitting, standing, walking, praying, ministering, preparing the tarmac for osculation.

Skill Set: Follow emergency procedures, mixed martial arts take-down sprawl defense, monitor security television, operate security control room equipment, control Popemobile vehicular and pedestrian traffic, keep lepers to a manageable level.

Security and Safety: Criminal record check optional.

Languages: Anything, but preferably conversational German, Italian, English, Spanish, ecclesiastical Latin

Transportation/Travel Information: Must have own transportation.