January 1, 2010 | Heroes,lists

1. I resolve to contribute to an ailing music industry, by attending no fewer than 3 concerts in the upcoming year— and if admission is pay-what-you-can, momentarily pausing to make a perfunctory pass at my wallet (and if tickets are comped, to purchase an extra beverage at the bar and consider briefly the price-point of concert tees).

2. I resolve to approach desired weight loss like a Global Warming cap-and-trade system where my gym membership is the carbon credit.

3. I resolve to return all DVDs to Blockbuster on time—so that Season Six, Episode Nine of Entourage is available for one more completist before that movie chain buys the pine condo mid-way through 2010.

4. Since quitting cigarettes is difficult, I resolve not to set any accidental fires while smoking

5. I resolve to quit drinking—at a maximum one-hour after last call or whenever impatient bar staff ushers me out the door, whichever comes first.

6. I resolve to register to vote, then take a pass when polling stations open, comforted in knowing that I could’ve exercised my democratic duty should the situation have called for it when people in other, less fortunate countries cannot.

7. I resolve to report a small portion of my gambling winnings to the proper authorities, should these earnings be high enough to noticeably influence my lifestyle or as part of a plea bargain.

8. I resolve to continue not watching most sporting events, but making impassioned arguments for how some team can improve their pitching should all other topics of bar conversation be exhausted.

9. I shall continue to run up a massive credit card debt, especially if the card is not my own, or spending is only on essential items whose essential-ness is based in large part on loyalty reward points that can be accrued at a liquor store.

10. I shall resolve not to make any New Year’s resolutions that could conceivably be broken by the time a week has passed, which is to say all of ‘em.

Happy New Year