January 30, 2010 | Rants

Toronto’s premier conduit for call-girl ads, Eye Weekly, is in a bit of trouble. Its columnists are slowly vanishing and Eye, one of Torstar’s ugly dependents, looks like it’ll soon have its allowance cut off.

Someone once described journalism as “the ability to meet the challenge of filling space” and, with Eye poised on death’s door (death is using the current edition to wipe his boots) it seems its staffers have taken up this challenge; Theater critics have been musing about urban planning, music critics writing about anything and everything—its’ safe to say they’re noticeably a few femurs short of even a skeleton staff.

And this is a shame. What was once a fun little rag full of lively writing from Donna Lypchuk, Bruce LaBruce, Bill Burill, etc, is now nearly exclusively staffed by teen interns, placated with bylines so they won’t go hitting the pavement in search of full-time work.

Over the past few months, the publication, previously known for among other things, placing a premium on the word ‘pastiche’, crappy Venn diagrams and mopping up leaks from the shower has seen a reduction in size to grocery flyer-like proportions— although without the benefit of pointing out the local shop ‘n’ plop has a special on Pert.

Speaking of which, it seems ample endowments are getting in the way of the kinds of navel-gazing that its columnists have become known for of late, case in point:

“We are collectively tit-notized. Big breasts are seductive in a way that’s beyond sex, maybe even beyond the mommy-milk connection. There is the obvious, banal power of big breasts. I can reliably change the dynamic between me and any given male with the release of a button. Watching my breasts move when I walk or have sex or even briefly touch them, makes me feel hot.”

Apart from the obvious issues we have with this—the cheesy ’soft corn’ writing, if you will—it’s that given the inordinate number of pedestrians taken down in their prime on Toronto streets, watching your tatas move when you walk is probably not the best course of action, especially at busy intersections.

On the plus side, when Eye Weekly finally puts out its last threadbare issue, Torstar’s other, more profitable unit, Harlequin, might be looking for the kind of prose featured above.

And later, from the ‘Theatre’ review:

“Her witty, triumphant displays of vulnerability, including a lip-synched cover of “It’s not Easy Being Green” as lovelorn Kermit, the insertion of multiple clown figures into her vagina as a novel reinterpretation of the classic “clown car”…[Editors' note: presumably not at the same time]  

Such witty, triumphant displays of vulernability can also be found on Patpong Rd in Bangkok, but with ping pong balls.

From ‘How to Drink Better’, “sure, vodka and water tastes a little bland, but really, who drinks alcohol for the taste?” [Editors' note: people over 17?]

Let’s begin the countdown, shall we?

While it’s difficult to watch the journalism profession slowly wither in the digital age, we won’t hold back raising a middle finger to Eye Weekly as it sinks under the weight of its own self-importance and crappy writing. Besides, Now Magazine still has all the band listings.

January 29, 2010 | Heroes

As children, neither of us went to the type of schools where every kid goes home with a trophy on track and field day and even if you don’t win the 100-meter dash, you still get to go home with a “compos mentis” ribbon affixed to your shirt. It’s probably because of these rough childhoods full of recognition only won in principals’ offices that we place such a premium on awards of any type, even those for which we have little respect or any hope of winning, such as the Shorty Awards.

The Shorty Awards have nothing to do with the hip hop use of the term to refer to women, including, we would assume, some who are taller than the speakers. Presumably they have their awards show sometime around the Oscars. The Shortys recognize Twitter users for the “Best producers of short, real time content 140 characters or less”, or, what you’d rather not hear when haggling with your insurance company and they hang up on you.

We are now, like a bird that’s flown into a bay window, tweeting more than ever, (click here for our Twitter page) but we still see the whole enterprise as a kind of never-ending Facebook status update purgatory. That said, we welcome your Shorty votes for us in the humor category –  Here is the link. We promise to bring it down from the inside if we take home a plaque and if we win, to Frisbee-style, hurl it off the balcony. We also vow to shout 140-character-plus  obscenities over the band trying to play us off. (Note: You can also vote for us in the “year’s best egocentric person” category too, even though there are technically [and by any other measure of reality] two of us).

The following is our Interview with the Shorty Awards, in true Twitter form, restricted to 140 characters or less (we weren’t being curt with the interviewer).

What’s your best tweet?
Don’t know, but it would take a disreputable pet store’s worth of dead budgies to replicate.

What are six things you could never do without?
blood flow to the brain, water, food, a toothbrush, pliers and a fake passport.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
To shamelessly promote ourselves, our writing, our website and our proven way to lose inches off your waist

What’s your favorite Twitter app?
The term ‘app’ is enough to make anyone throw app

Twitter or Facebook?
That is like choosing among your children, if one of them wasn’t dead… so Twitter.

What was the funniest trend you’ve seen?
The overwhelming juggernaut that is thesharkguys.com. The internet is the levee to our ‘Hurricane Katrina of comedy’ website

What feature should Twitter add?
The ability to become self-aware.

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn’t?
God. Example Tweet:  Currently prepping the next tsunami.

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
Quotes from Sir Winston Churchill. “It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations” but he was not referring to Twitter

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn’t already? If so, who?
We don’t know but they better undergo a criminal background check first.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
You cannot ‘unfollow’ someone. The opposite of following is running in random directions and there is no word for that.

Why should we vote for you?
Because The Shark Guys are unquestionably the finest thing to hit Twitter since JD Salinger hit the floor

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
The phrase ‘A hematoma is characterized by swelling of the injured area’

What’s the most interesting connection you’ve made through Twitter?
That it counters Camus’ ‘passionate world of indifference’—sort of

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
We don’t know what that is, but it’s illegal to be caught with it in Singapore.

How do you make your tweets unique?
By liberally misquoting the Book of Mormon

What inspires you to tweet?
A neural impulse traveling from the brain (generally a good place for neural impulses to generate) makes our fingers type out things.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Yes, but bear repellent is equally effective on humans.

140 characters of advice for a new user?
Do not hesitate to post incriminating photos of people in powerful positions in various positions.

How long can you go without a tweet?
Depends on whether the facility is medium or minimum security

What question are we not asking here that we should?
Will Tweets eventually bring about World Peace or cast the yoke of oppression off the people of Tibet? In a word, yes.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
Michael McKean because This is Spinal Tap is possibly the greatest movie ever and he Tweeted one of our posts.

Why’d you start tweeting?
The more important question remains, when are we going to stop?

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
It’s irrevocably altered the way we view the color ‘teal’.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
Tweet during minor surgical procedures or better yet, from the electric chair

How will the world change in 2010?
Average global temperatures will either rise or fall.

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Describing bowel movements using forlorn adjectives

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
Nostalgic for 2010 when Tweets were 140 characters instead of 63 a decade into the future

VOTE FOR THE SHARK GUYS HERE

January 27, 2010 | reviews

“You can’t treat the working man this way! One of these days we’ll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we’ll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless…!”

The Simpsons

Last Exit to Springfield

This week, Toronto Transit Commission came  under fire over employees doing what people normally spend one-third of their lives doing—not a workplace commute—but sleeping.

The napping employees were the subject of an excellent meme and a not so excellent exculpation from a self-described humour writer (seeing what passes for humor in a major daily is enough  to make us consider a career change).

Speaking of which, walking papers will not be forthcoming as a powerful union, the ATU, represents one of the busted dozers, whose mea culpa is enough to ensure he stays behind protective glass for years to come.

Now don’t get us wrong, we sympathize with ordinary TTC workers.

Having to work for a transit system that is the envy of Bratislava, Slovakia in the face of silly fare hikes, out of commission token machines and in subway stations, more exposed pipes than an American Idol audition has got to be a tough gig. However, the bear minimum that can be asked of an employee, that they not sleep on the job (or  in the case of some occupations, shoot up the place—please see our list of the Top 10 Postal Workers) was violated.

Now, we’ve talked about the TTC briefly before (in our list of suggested acronyms to which we can now add Toronto Transit Catnappers) and for those unfamiliar with Toronto, if you were born too late to have experienced the 70s, instead of renting Saturday Night Fever or growing your hair long, you can simply experience the decade second-hand with our third-rate mass transit system.

Their much-touted screens that let commuters know when the next train/bus is coming, were in place when one of us lived in Germany 20 years ago and their lumbering trolleys (mostly inaccessible to the elderly/disabled—-the only way our system is a step up relative to others, but not in a good way) can be beaten on foot provided a heavy wind isn’t blowing in the opposite direction.

The sad state of affairs means two lousy subway lines servicing a metropolitan area approaching 5 million people with no political will or vision to foresee what a city would look like 30 years from now, but  merely one that is a reminder of 30 years past.

Since our obits will be written long before a third subway line is built perhaps it’s best to just shut your eyes and envision what this city could become before you get very…very….sleepy.