December 25, 2009 | Pics,religion

Please see our Top 10 Jesus Sightings and Top 10 Offensive Religious Art Pieces! Also, feel free to check out a fun list of the Top 10 Sex-Crazed Cult Leaders

December 23, 2009 | lists

1. May you look the worst you’ll ever look on the day they find you dead, because by then it won’t matter any more.

2. May the odorless gases emanating from your fireplace set off the carbon monoxide detector in the nick of time.

3. May your gift cards not expire, nor you, should EMS services be running on a holiday schedule.

4. May you never accidentally tip a service person more than you intended to and if you do, may they be attractive and notice that you did.

5. May the executive who denied you your Christmas bonus get hit by the bus you’re forced to take to cut costs.

6. May vandals destroy only the truly ostentatious holiday displays that deserve it.

7. May those you embrace under the mistletoe, be vaccinated against the Swine Flu and be distant enough relations.

8. May you never be foolish enough to make a colonic appointment as this is literally, money put to waste.

9. May a window open when a door slams shut in your face — and may that window not just be a mirage, dreamed up in the darkness of your despair.

10. May you be sought out as a guest for a daytime television talk show—for a happy story like winning the lottery, not to make the unemployed and socially maladjusted feel better about themselves.

11. May creative accounting work in your favor.

12. May that be a candy cane in his pocket — or not, depending on the situation.

13. May the homeless person to whom you gave a dollar be an eccentric millionaire who later writes you into his will for displaying the milk of human kindness.

14. May that next pint taste better because it’s from a fresh keg, not because you’re drunk and have lost the sense of taste.

15. May it be many years before this, to the best of our knowledge from Richard Brautigan, pertains to you: “His clothes hung on him like the banner of a defeated nation, and the look on his face made it seem as if the only mail he ever got were bills.”

16. May you be allowed to let your gym membership expire in quiet dignity (without telemarketers reminding you of how you broke your New Year’s resolution).

17. May your mall parking lot jostling be fisticuff-free and if not, may you get your punches off first.

18. May your Christmas bird be inflated to steroidal NFL player-like proportions.

19.  May your hot toddies be 150-proof and habitually refreshed even if you are not.

20. May you be on the right side of the good stuff / cheap stuff continuum.

21. May your mall Santa not have Russian hands and Roman fingers.

22. May you be granted an appeal on humanitarian grounds.

23. May your Christmas tree not catch fire until well after it’s been dragged to the curb.

24. May any grease fires be purposefully set and insurance money collected.

25. May nobody recognize the ass photocopied during the company office party and subsequently sent as an email attachment to 200 of your coworkers as your own.

26. May you, while attending a holiday office party, not venture down a rural highway in search of cigarettes drunk and wearing only a backwards t-shirt.

27. May breath mints foil roadside spot-checks and if not, may your wasted pleas for leniency be heard and a Tasering avoided.

28. May you be able to get out of attending any religious observances that do not involve praying in front of a television for your team to cover the spread.

29. May your penitential salmon contain acceptable levels of mercury.

30. May your greeting cards feature holiday-themed bikinis.

31. May reindeer never be spotted tied to the hood of a car.

32.  May your holiday gift cards be redeemed for cash, even though this is almost never the case.

33. May your Christmas stockings not feature the logo of some sports team, or be eaten by moths (unless they feature the logo of some sports team).

34. May cash gifts be the proper denominations.

35. May your fruitcakes be sufficiently weight-load bearing.

36. May your mall sojourns be mercifully croon-free.

37. May your office party innuendos not be the subject of lawsuits.

38.  May pawnshop hours be extended, and eBay purchasers filled with a generosity of spirit.

39. May bookies grant you a reprieve before knees are capped.

40. Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night— and a hangover free morning.

THE SHARK GUYS

December 22, 2009 | Pics

Since news valves have been mostly shut off for the rest of the year, publications like the illustrious New York Times have taken to investigating through ‘Google Etymology’, the newly popular portmanteau ‘snowpocalypse’ (or snow-pocalypse, a regional variation left, that we, as noted cultural historians, took note of).

The term achieved prominence recently when an off-duty DC cop whipped out his gun when his car was in the cross-hairs of snowballs during an impromptu snowball fight.

The Times helpfully pointed out that there is a Facebook group devoted to the phenomenon—but then again, there is a Facebook group for just about everything.

They then cite Urban Dictionary as well as somebody’s blog from 06, but we dug a bit deeper, like you’d have to do if your basement apartment was snowed in and came up with the following (Frank Zappa might’ve sung, “don’t go where the huskies go,  don’t eat the yellow snow” but we’re not accusing the NY Times of that color of journalism).

After an exhaustive bit of offline newspaper database searching, very nearly as exhausting as the type of shoveling that fells people with heart conditions, we came upon The Buffalo News, October of 2006.

That paper took a break from reporting on the countless fires that plague the Queen City to hold a ‘name that storm’ contest, which resulted in the following entries: The Thundersnow. A Splinter Wonderland, Arborgeddon and “Snowpocalypse ’06″ from a woman in East Aurora, who credited her son-in-law (nobody can accuse of not being thorough. Call us the William Safires of the Canadian comedy scene, except unlike Canadian comedy of late, or Mr Safire for that matter—not dead).

Also submitted:  “Snow-nami,” “Blizzacane, and “The Baby Maker” (the latter is a bit all-purpose though)

There must be more however. The Big Flake Out comes to mind. How ’bout Sno-lapalooza?  A Nice Snow Job? Getting the powder finger? A snow bank deposit? Dog and pony snow? Mad floe? We don’t know.

C’mon Washington DC, you know what we call 16 inches of snow up in the Great White North? 40.64 centimeters.