Tags: celebrities, top 10
December 10, 2009 | lists
As anyone who was born poor will tell you, it would have been a hell of a lot better to have been born rich. Some poor bastard showing up in an industrial parking lot wearing a shabby coat and dirty hat in the hopes of an afternoon’s work would give up a lung to live the kind of life of privilege that the silver-spoon set take for granted from the day their first solid poop is cast in bronze and shipped to Royal Doulton.
Some rich people blend into their sickening excesses – their furs and diamond studded gotchies — and they never bother us poor people unless it’s to murder a service person or marry one of us in a moment of slumming they’ll live to regret in the divorce courts.
We keep ourselves in concrete, noise and squalor, and they live on their miles-wide estates large enough to house multiple golf courses, complete with horses who shit healthier than 90% of the rest of us. But it’s been that way forever, and one comes to learn to accept the inevitable.
With the internet spreading their exploits faster than some fat sweaty asshole with a toupee in Santa Barbara can finesse his connections to try to stop it, the daughters of the privileged have made their nauseating selves familiar to a wider and poorer lot than could be summoned for a Country Club circle jerk.
Part of the reason for this is these women are far better looking than the male heirs to big money (see Steve Forbes, and all men in the Royal Family, whose women, it must be said, do not follow the good looking heiress rule. ). But whatever the reason, our screens have been filled with these nauseating ladies to the throne who redefine frivolity and shamelessness every time they appear on camera.
What do you get when you mix a staggering family fortune with a genetic tendency toward megalomania and fail to temper that with any manner of restraint or introspection? The Top 10 Most Annoying Celebrity Heiresses. We’ve chosen 10, but the list could have been much longer, and their ranks will continue to swell as long as young rich women continue to prim naked and machine-tanned in front of a mirror and meet with a positive response when they ask the pool-boy “Do you really think I could be a star?”
10. Vanisha Mittal
Vanisha Mittal is the richest heiress in the world and the daughter of Lakshmi Mittal, whose work you will recognize in the 1000-yard stares on the faces of former steel union representatives worldwide. While her father did appoint her to run Mittal Steel, nepotism is about as common as an unflinching sense of entitlement and a cold ignorance of the lives of the majority of the population among the uber-rich, and she does seem to be serious about her business and lacking the more odious qualities of others on this list.
Mittal makes it on here for her wedding in 2004, one that was so grand and expensive it makes the synonyms one would normally apply – such as “obscene”, or “a 2×4 to the ribs of every decent person who works for a living” – seem inadequate. Her wedding to Guy Smiley in the photo (pictured drinking liquid gold) cost nearly 80 million, and involved rentals of top Parisian properties including, appropriately enough, the gallery at Versailles, where the debauched rich of yesteryear lorded it up before a change of events made a cutting argument for a more equal distribution of wealth.
9. Guinness Heiress Clare Irby
Clare Irby is a scion of the Guinness brewing dynasty, and that alone is likely enough to encourage most of our male readers to sharpen their No. 2 pencils, break out a legal pad, and get started on some poetic verses to win her heart. But, like the Guinness Brewery itself, where you have to traverse endless floors filled with the tedium of the beer-making process before finally arriving, panting, at the top floor to guzzle a pint, she might be more effort than she’s worth.
Earlier this year, Irby was arrested for being drunk and disorderly on an 11-hour Bangalore India to London. It was alleged that Ms. Irby got friendly with a seatmate, whose girlfriend was asleep and thus blind to her husband conducting a first-hand inspection of the Guinness family lineage beside her. (Click here for a hilarious Daily Mail cartoon on the subject). Others on the plane said that she kept repeatedly ringing the call button, loudly demanding “more booze”, and that she was deaf to the cries of her toddler child, whose dirty nappy she is also alleged to have tossed on an empty seat behind her. (We were cool with her until that final bit. Screaming children should be kept in the overhead compartment).
Irby was found not guilty, but the reason for that may have been that the prosecutor had to prove she was drunk in British airspace, which would have been only the final 20 minutes of the 11 hour flight. Since she had been cut off hours before then — presumably somewhere between the time she flashed her underwear to her fellow passengers and later when she flipped off a cabin attendant — she had had a chance to sober up.
8. Anna Anisimova
“The Russian Paris Hilton”. We can’t speak for all Russians (just the vast majority of them since we’re huge there), but we’d guess that being likened to the frivolous blonde, grainy-video blowjob-giving heiress would not be something most would appreciate.
But Anisimova has come to earn that name, renting a house in the Hamptons for a couple of months for US$550,000*, buying up New York real estate, and throwing tightly-packed wads of hundred dollar bills hard into the faces of poor people and shouting, “Yes, I’m rich, isn’t it glorious!” Ok, we made that up, but she was Paris Hilton-like in her ability to successfully inflict herself upon the social scene, in her case New York’s.
7. Tori Spelling
Spelling, the daughter of TV mogul Aaron (whose productions and co productions included The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Ve$as, Hotel, and TJ Hooker) somehow managed to get herself cast in one of daddy’s productions, Beverly Hills 90210, which was set at Beverly Hills High school (where she went). Previously, also by sheer coincidence, she’d guest starred on The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Ve$as, Hotel and TJ Hooker.
As a testament to her incredible versatility as an actress, Spelling portrayed Donna, the good-looking daughter of a wealthy cardiologist and socialite, which meant inhabiting the character of someone who wallowed in the upper 6-figure income bracket rather than the mid 7. Her book sTORI Telling (rejected title: Spelling Disaster) sat atop the New York Times bestseller list and with any luck, has been put to a more useful purpose being burned under bridges to warm the homeless.
6. Tamara Ecclestone
When they tire of hot-tubbing in Dom Perignon, people with a spending allowance rivaling portions of Obama’s stimulus package, turn to pet causes to eat up those languid hours ordinary people would spend working.
The most popular of these is unquestionably, defending cute, anthropomorphic animals. As Paul McCartney recently showed, there is a lot of publicity to be gained from donning a jump suit, being set adrift on an ice floe and defending seals from something that actually goes well with chunks of ice: a Canadian Club. Tamara Ecclestone is no exception. The daughter of nutter Formula 1 boss Bernie Ecclestone, who once declared that Adolf Hitler was a man who “was able to get things done”, Tamara gets things done too, most notably: drawing attention to the plight of animals by posing naked. .
However that’s not all: taking a page out of Tori Spelling’s book (we recommend tearing out the remaining 287 as well) Ecclestone is currently the presenter of Sky Sports Italia’s coverage of the 2009 Formula 1 season. Notable quote: “Our jets don’t have bathrooms and my mother drove me to school in an Audi.” This statement has been widely misconstrued. When your daddy runs F1, you are expected to be dropped off in front of your school in an open-wheeled Ferrari.
5. Stephanie Levesque-McMahon
Nobody likes the guy who married the boss’s daughter. Such a person almost always deserves to be body-checked hard into the lunchroom vending machine, but he always has that wedding ring, with its Green Lantern-like protective properties, to keep his just desserts at bay.
Stephanie McMahon is the daughter of Vince, the man who owns the monopoly board when it comes to pro-wrestling, and the wife of Triple H (a name that sounds like cream applied to one’s backside). Triple H is a case study example of “the guy who married the boss’s daughter” syndrome, who debuted in the mid-90s and was passed off as a Connecticut polo enthusiast – not exactly an electrifying gimmick – but he would go on to win every championship in the WWE about 10,000 times, have DVD series released about him, cure leprosy in far off lands. After he married Stephanie, that is.
4. Ally Hilfiger
For daughters of wealthy industrialists, the pressure to strike out on your own has to be intense. Ivanka Trump introduced ‘Ivanka Trump’ jewelry and hosted a 2007 event entitled the Creating Wealth Summit (We won’t spoil it for you but step one is, be born into it) however, after graduating summa cum laude in economics from an Ivy League school she is more than qualified to fire people at the Trump Organization.
Ally Hilfiger must’ve felt similarly pressured to follow in the family business, and, like thousands of other children, started working for her father. Despite being about 5 feet tall, considered an ideal height for propping up tables with a missing leg rather than modeling, she did model her dad’s gear.
She turned to the world of reality TV, where her show Rich Girls (premise: two dim bulbs are followed around doing ordinary things) was buried in the ratings by Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie’s A Simple Life (premise: two dim bulbs are followed around doing ordinary things, but with the benefit of greater name recognition).
3. Elizabeth Paige Laurie.
Paige, the granddaughter of the co-founder of Wal-Mart, a company known for busting more unions than a night out with Tiger Woods, distinguished herself in academia by shelling out an average Wal-mart employee’s annual income to have someone do her homework at USC. (Editor’s note: the degree, since returned, was in communications—included in our list of the Top 10 Easiest College Majors, even if you are doing the work yourself). A fellow student, who it turned out later dropped out as she could no longer afford the tuition, came forward and revealed that she was paid 20 grand to do the heiress’ homework, prompting outsourcing jokes by newspaper wags (jokes that they wish they could take back as most of their jobs have since been outsourced).
Paige Laurie’s billionaire parents had bought the naming rights to a sports facility at the University of Missouri. The Paige Sports Arena, one of the least-sporting sounding names in the history of stadiums, got a quick rebranding when the allegations surfaced, although given the scandal-plagued nature of college sports, having a stadium named after a noted cheat shouldn’t turn too many heads. Students from the university also set up the “Blame Paige Laurie” group on Facebook, “Students at Mizzou can blame all their problems on Paige Laurie, whether she deserves it or not. It just sounds fun.”
2. Casey Johnson
Johnson & Johnson is to big Pharma, what dick jokes are to comedians making fun of Johnson & Johnson. With $25 billion in pharmaceutical sales last year, most notably Johnson’s baby wipes, which have touched more ass than Tom Cruise, it’s safe to say Casey Johnson has all her financial needs met and that even her great, great, great, grand kids will be among the first to strangle a high-priced call girl in outer space.
She made the news recently, for allegedly lifting jewelry and clothing from a friend, one Jasmine Lennard, best known for being a one-time girlfriend of karaoke justice of the peace, Simon Cowell. Among the items stolen from her apartment in West Hollywood were jewelry, Christian Louboutin shoes, 20 Herve Leger dresses, and the one article of clothing you hope never to find in a thrift store, underwear.
Is this attack on grammar a clever ruse?
1. Paris Hilton
Of course, this list could have only had one number one. One has to wonder if Paris Hilton is cynically manipulating her image and the reality is far from the sentient blow up doll with praying mantis morphology and a vocabulary roughly that of an automated telephone banking line that she portrays.
But then again she did coin the catchphrase “that’s hot”, which makes “and that’s the way it is” sound like a Shakespearean sonnet.
Her sex-tape made her a talk show regular, even though it’s easier to coax words from a boxer between rounds. One of the delightful anecdotes she’d recount was the inevitable confusion surrounding her check-in to the Parisian hotel that bears her name, and her forays into movies, music and publishing have met with resounding failure to the point where even her famous family has realized she is fodder for this list.
Dishonorable Mention Kim Kardashian
(Poor by the standards of most included here, but rich in her ability to annoy). Unbelievably, for those of you known to lay down a few bets in Celebrity Death pools, a famous murderer, but also a client, OJ, outlasted their papa. Even more unbelievably, Kim Kardashian counts ‘the Juice’ as her godfather, which all things considered, isn’t half bad especially if you want to make someone an offer they can’t refuse, and they refuse it.
The Kardashians’ step dad is has-been Olympian Bruce Jenner—you’d have to drive a motorcycle off a steep embankment to undergo more facial reconstruction—and they are famous for the reality show, Keeping up with the Kardashians, which has featured as guest stars, some of the more useless people to ever register name recognition who didn’t commit mass murder: Tyra Banks, Ryan Seacrest, Chris Judd.
Paris Hilton approximates a sentient sex doll, with praying mantis morphology, a vocabulary roughly that of your average telephone banking hotline and who made a name for herself with a catchphrase, “that’s hot”, which makes “and that’s the way it is” look like a Shakespearean sonnet.
Her sex-tape made her a talk show regular, even though it’s easier to coax words from a punch-drunk boxer between rounds. The confusion surrounding her check in into the eponymous Parisian hotel was like Who’s on First without the wit, and her forays into movies, music and publishing have met with resounding failure to the point where even her famous family has realized she is fodder for this list.
You should update your section on Casey Johnson.