December 7, 2009 | lists, music
As we all know, ‘indie’ is a euphemism for ‘not successful enough to pursue music full time’ and synonymous with ‘hobbyist’ or ‘dabbler’.
Indie though can also refer to a cheap marketing gambit devised to give big-label artists embarrassed by their success, the kind of street cred you can only get by getting shot 9 times (and indie bands never get shot, probably because of a lack of readily available firearms in recently gentrified neighborhoods and also because they’re an emaciated, malnourished target, especially in profile).
Some of your more successful indie bands (give yourself a round of ironic applause if you notice this is actually an oxymoron) have commonly held attributes that don’t jive with their efforts to be perceived as unique and highly original by the mainstream.
Here then, as a companion piece to our How to be a Rock Critic —Top 10 Tips for Becoming a Successful Indie Band (warning: stop reading if you’ve studied music formally, would never consider wearing a black vest or a plaid shirt—not together— or if your parents earn less than $145,000 in household income).
1. Give yourself a name that is difficult or confusing to read and pronounce.
This strategy has also been particularly effective in keeping patrons out of restaurants run by money launderers. MGMT is a perfect example. If record stores still existed, one of your social betters working there decked out in a winter hat in the middle of a heat wave, would make fun of your inability to know that this in fact stands for ‘mega-meat’ (and not, as some would have you believe, the act of getting people together to accomplish desired goals and objectives in a business setting or reading the letters M, G, M T aloud).
2. Have one, but no more than one, non-white member.
Although it is a guarantee that this band member will not in any way contribute any aspects of their ethno-musical heritage to the group, having their family attend a gig is one way to break the all-Caucasian audience share.
3. Pick a band name that is as long as possible.
For example: That’s not What I Said that’s Just what you Think I Said (if you do indeed go with this band name, please credit us in the liner notes and allow us to sing backing vocals for at least one track on your upcoming project—but bear in mind, the performance will be phoned in—literally as well, as the two of us live in different hemispheres). For more on this, please see our 25 Horrible Bands Named after Places.
4. Make sure that the bass player does not inadvertently strike a bass note.
This would result in ironic movement from one foot to the other, which is known in this cultural set as ‘dancing’.
5. Have two band members or ideally, as many as possible.
The former is preferable as the math for figuring out how to split songwriting royalties 14 different ways is far too complex. However, a greater variety of thrift-store clothing can be showcased with a larger ensemble.
6. At least one band member requires an ironic mustache or a beard.
If the latter, dressed like a confederate soldier and the former, a recently paroled sex offender or foil in a bad improv comedy troupe.
7. Play an undersized keyboard.
This is surprisingly important and we’re not sure why. However it is important that chords are avoided and to simply plunk away at single notes like a highly trained parrot, to make weird noises, or better still a loop of someone leaving a particularly poignant voice-mail.
8. No member of the band, male or female should exceed 120 lbs.
This is pretty easy to enforce as the same rules apply here as they do in the world of fashion—funds that would ordinarily go toward groceries go to procuring cocaine and cases of beer once preferred by the working class.
9. Definitely no guitar solos.
This is indicative of attempting to achieve some kind of technical expertise, an outward sign of effort. For those who are unaware, a guitar solo consists of showcased, consecutively played notes, often played melodically so that it stands out from the rest of the band.
10. Album titles are inversely proportional to the length of the band’s name.
For example: You Really Should have Known that Your Actions Would have Consequences, C’mon, by 3! (this does not, as of yet exist but we’ve heard their demo and think it’s quite promising). The new album by All Hail Our Conquering Heroes, our Mighty Overlords would be called ‘mauve’ [lower case].
“3!” may not exist but “3″ did – a project consisting of ELP’s Keith Emerson and Carl Palmer with West Coaster Robert Berry. The CD came out sounding like prog-leaning AOR and wasn’t distinguishing enough to overcome the unfortunate Geffen-slapped band name (where to file it – 3? T? ELP?)