December 3, 2009 | lists
The feet are the ugliest part of the human body. Pull the shoes off any old-timer snoozing on a park bench (check for a pulse first) and you will be met with yellowing, callused, crusty awfulness that will make you forever be grateful that sandals, at least without socks, are not popular among that generation. Feet, however, are ugly even when well maintained – toenails painted, corns and calluses sawed off with liquid nitrogen– and not made even more hideous by long toes that give the appearance of deformed hands that you walk on.
Several cultures rightly denigrate feet, and in many of them, Thailand, for example, showing someone the sole of your shoe is a grievous insult, while walking with upturned shoes on both hands has a Kryptonite-like effect useful for keeping crowds at bay.
Mankind has long struggled to find ways to best cover these hideous appendages. In medieval times, foot bags protected against debris—a design feature that didn’t inspire confidence when most medical treatments consisted of finding someone to lop off an offending part. Fast forward to modern times and composite materials like rubber have provided much better protection, not only in the workplace, but for mobsters looking to avoid getting wacked in the rain.
A good shoe, like a good sock, should cover feet, be comfortable and not attract attention. For the unfussy man, a pair of black running shoes with the white logos of the brand colored in with black marker should suffice.
Here we focus on 10 of the ugliest pieces of footwear currently offending the sensibilities of everyone, even the blind, who are sickened even at the description. We are not talking about shoes that may look terrible, but serve some useful purpose – cement ones that expedite a trip to a lake bottom—but footwear that is so garish, it would give even a tranny hooker buyer’s remorse.
So, kick off your shoes and if they’re included here, leave them off and make a note of garbage day, as we kick ass and take names (kicking ass and not taking names is essentially a census) with our list of the Top 10 Worst Shoes.
10. Boxing Boots.
Some footwear is practical; Doc Martens for stomping fans in a soccer riot, for example and while you might not be caught dead in them unless a storm washed you ashore, hip waders are great for fishermen. By the same token, boxing boots are meant for, you guessed it, the chess with a spit bucket that is the sport of boxing. For some reason, as the world of a boxer (outside of the shorts), is one which is unlikely to intersect with the realm of fashion, these monstroties took off, but not in a good way, like in a direction other than wherever we happen to be looking.
For a brief period, manufacturers like Prada jumped on the bandwagon (there is no generally accepted footwear for jumping on bandwagons, but those shoes that give white guys extra vertical leap might help) with footwear inspired by a sport most women find repugnant…Speaking of repugnant
9. Gladiator Sandals.
For the gal on the go who wants to look as if she just might hurl a spear at a charging lion at a moment’s notice, may we recommend gladiator sandals. The gladiator sandal trend has had a longer lifespan than most Roman slaves but why would someone want shoes that require the fastening of more straps than a seat on the space shuttle? Like emperors of yore, we give these an emphatic ‘thumbs down’, though such a declaration won’t, unfortunately, meet with the same result as it did in Ancient Rome.
8. Adidas Kobe II.
Most sneakers are uncompromisingly and almost willfully ugly. Indeed, this list here could comprise kicks exclusively. However, one model, which looks like a bug shield on a cheap sedan, is worth inclusion here for being unspeakably ugly, while at the same time not taking advantage of the rainbow of colors that are typically the toolbox of weapons running shoe designers use to attack good taste. Behold the Adidas Kobe II. We can’t imagine what the Kobe I looked like, but it can’t be uglier than the hightop abortion pictured here, which resembles something that would float by on Mystery Science Theater.
After the tawdry details of Bryant’s personal life completely saturated the media like so much cheap musk, it’s unlikely that he’s being inundated with calls to attach his name to anything whatsoever, which given this midnight turd of a shoe is probably a good thing.
7. Heely’s Skate Shoe.
The only footwear on this list that requires a signed waiver before lacing up (unless you’re actually a pro boxer), a ‘Heely’ has, after shit, the second last thing you’d want embedded in your sole: a wheel. So dangerous they prompted a study authored by a hospital trauma department, this footwear, in addition to possibly killing you on any road surface with a slope greater than 5 degrees, at least has the benefit of removing its devotees the good ole fashioned Darwinian way.
6. UGGs.
The name says it all, onomatopoeic truth in advertising, Uggh. If Mongolia had a space program, its astronauts might wear something like these, as might a child raised by wolves in the hinterland of that country who found them dropped from a plane. An integral part of the bottom half of a Yeti Halloween costume, these boots are awful even by the not exactly sleek and stylish standards set by winter footwear. The equivalent of continuing to wear snow pants into adulthood.
5. Marabou Slippers. 
We have avoided slippers here because unless they’re on the feet of an escaped hospital patient, they are worn mostly in private and thus dealing with them is, as nature intended, a burden only on the family of the wearer. But Marabou Slippers are another matter. These slippers are worn in public and feature a furry top that looks like the pubic hair of someone flamboyant and heels for those who hate the whole comfort aspect of slippers. If some feet weren’t bad enough, especially the hirsute variety, sporting something covering your toes that looks like what Jane Goodall studied in the wild is a trend we are hoping will soon face extinction.
4. Birkenstocks.
At rallies, the sheer impracticality of this footwear as far as running is concerned, makes it that much easier for police to tear gas a hippie. At the beach, wearers might as well be sporting water wings and a metal detector in terms of appeal to the opposite sex.
As far as the fairer sex is concerned (unless you’re a lesbian who came of age in the 90s), there is no footwear more off-putting than these 60s holdouts, which would firmly occupy our number one slot if they were more frequently paired with white socks, which, along with Lederhosen, comprises the German national garb.
3. Teva Sandals.
From the old guard, to the nouveau hippie, unfortunately along the same gradient as far as requiring a solid fumigation goes—is the Teva. If you should stumble upon a jam band festival, you’ll find out such an event is aptly named — not so much musically, but for the jam of the toe variety. If setting fire to vast amounts of rubber wasn’t the kind of thing that prompts health authorities to vacate neighborhoods, we’d consider a Burning Man festival exclusively for these. Teva sandals are favored footwear not only for climbers, but for the Beer Pong set, as these rubber frights are not only easy to hose vomit off of, but can be easily tossed into a bi-monthly laundry load, along with the wearer’s entire wardrobe.
2. Vibram Five Fingers.
Given the horrors we’ve detailed on this list, it should come as no surprise that most people would prefer to go to barefoot if they could. But unless you’re at home, on a beach or walking to the nearest police station after a thorough mugging, it is advisable to wear shoes — feet not having yet evolved to cope with broken beer bottles. In addition, as mentioned previously, feet are ugly and covering them up is a small gift from you to the rest of society. Enter Vibram Five Fingers. These shoes are all the rage among barefoot runners, who are the sporting equivalent of raw foodists (whose homes you’ll recognize, the swarms of fruit flies hovering around them). They claim benefits over traditional shoes and socks and while there is a debate to be made on both sides of that argument, no similar dissension will be brooked when it comes to the aesthetic appeal of footwear that look even worse than scuba diving flippers.
1. Crocs.
Undoubtedly the ugliest shoes in recent memory, crocs are only appropriate footwear if you’re cleaning out a really dirty pool, and they are a slight step above wearing plastic bags on your feet. They also apparently are more efficient at facilitating foot stink than other shoes. Most stop wearing plastic shoes at the age when one’s love of cartoons no longer dictates one’s choice in footwear, yet this trend caught on internationally.
When the economic crisis first hit, many observers took a churlish school marm’s tone and intoned that it was just what was needed to cure a nation of consumers gone wild. That seems like a bit of salt in the wounds, but one needed check that the crisis did have was on Crocs. In one of the few feel-good stories to emerge out of the economic crisis that did not involve bars extending their happy hours to drum up business, Crocs went bankrupt this past summer.
http://www.manolith.com/2009/07/16/crocs-actually-go-bankrupt-we-totally-called-it/
hahaa this is so funny cus i agree with every single one!! i hate uggs but….secretly i have fake uggs i wear at home. theyre ugly but super comfy!
Some of these are so interesting!I like it so much.
low discount mbt shoes
Marabou Slippers are sexy !
Good one! However as I was reading it there was an ad right above the article for discount UGGs haha.
i love doc martens, theyre comfy and set the right grunge look.
Do we disabled get any leeway? I have end-stage cirrhosis from Hepatitis C, and am waiting for a liver transplant. Crocs are the only shoes that will accomodate the daily swelling of my feet, prevent plantar fascitis, and cheer me up by making me look like a duck.
So true…but…I do love my Teva sandals…bought them to wear in India (washable and all)…and now I really love them and have even worn them to casual Friday. Redeem myself partially for having never worn ugg boots or crocs out of the house. Hmm, want more Tevas…