December 31, 2009 | Heroes

All the best in 2010.

We thank you and look forward to bringing you more raucous fun in the new year. See you then.

The Shark Guys

December 29, 2009 | Rants

1. In the last hour in the air, kneecap a flight attendant with a weighty copy of the Sunday New York Times. This is a positive development, as even without the NY Times Magazine insert, upper body torque worthy of a well-medicated Sammy Sosa could be generated.

2. Throttle a particularly annoying seatmate with your headphones (smothering them with a toxic smelling airline pillow can still be done from the comfort of your seat provided nobody is looking).

3. Enjoy, and we use the term more loosely than a draw string pant on The Biggest Loser, the latest madcap hi-jinks that have made Queen Latifah an unendurable part of the flying experience.

4. Be force-fed any in flight entertainment pre descent, featuring either Owen Wilson, Ryan Reynolds or Dermot Mulroney [please see our list of Top 10 Actors Whose Terrible Movies are Always Shown in-flight]

5. Aisle calisthenics, thereby robbing people of the ability to cartwheel from one end of the plane to the other to encourage blood flow.

December 29, 2009 | reviews

 

The Simpsons, despite some minor improvements of late, has been on a steady decline since it sat atop the comedy heap. But this hasn’t stopped the jaundice-toned ‘toon juggernaut from dominating the ratings. As bad as it is now, if you compare it to other shows that should’ve been canceled a long time ago—-Saturday Night Live say, where what passes for sketch comedy is dressing up as a celebrity and appearing on a mock TV show—it holds up pretty well. [Editor's note: the best SNL sketch remains one that never appeared on SNL: Krusty the Klown's Tuesday Night Live sketch, 'The Big Ear family', in which Krusty brandishing a Q-Tip, sighs "this sketch goes on for another 12 minutes"]

Since every bad idea a movie executive has while sunning themselves in the lap of a Vegas call girl gets green-lighted, don’t be surprised if a live-action Simpsons flick comes to the big screen.

On Stumbleupon, we came across a few posts that offered a hypothetical casting of a live action Simpsons movie. A few were pretty inspired (William H Macy as Flanders and Benicio Del Toro as Snake) and some downright wrong—casting the quintessentially Jewish-looking actor David Schwimmer as Reverend Lovejoy, or the 6′5 Jeff Goldblum as the hunchbacked hatchet-faced former pugilist Moe (please see our list of the Top 10 Bartenders of All Time).

Since we were able to accurately conjecture Rampage Jackson as BA in the A-Team Movie, and took a pretty accurate stab at the Three Stooges movie, we thought casting agents would immediately employ our services. However, since the phones haven’t been ringing off the hook (we have cellphones, which might explain it), we thought we’d try our hand at this again.

We had a few basic criteria: Nobody dead, which ruled out James Coburn as the Sea Captain and nobody way too old to play a particular role unless it suited our comedic purposes. This latter ruled out James Earl Jones as Dr Hibbert, as an 87-year old would not be the head of a working family unless the economy really took a turn for the worse.

Since this was harder than we thought, we set our sights on some of the more fringe characters in this, our Live Action Movie Simpsons cast.

Jon Hamm as Lenny.

Milan Kundera once said, “there are no small parts only small actors”. That being said, this part is about as small as it gets. Lenny, along with Karl comprise the show’s other dramaturgical dyad, along with Itchy and Scratchy, but they’re regularly confused for one another and appear in about one eighth of the episodes. If you shave 6 figures off Don Draper’s salary, but keep him unshaven, and less dapper by three quarters, you get Lenny. Consider this one a move from the nuclear family to the nuclear power plant.

Joe Pantoliano as Sarcastic Man.

Noted character actor, Hoboken-born Joe Pantoliano had a splendid turn in the eminently memorable Memento and distinguished himself nicely as Ralphie in the Sopranos.

How this relates in any way to Sarcastic Man we’re unsure but what is for certain is the ratio of memorable lines to screen time is highest for this service sector everyman.

There is no denying their physical similarities and Joey Pants’ ability to crack wise, “you better hurry up kid, this is becoming a Starbucks!”

 

Kurt Russell as Snake.

This one’s a no brainer as Springfield’s resident recidivist is likely based on Snake Plissken from the John Carpenter classic 80s flick, Escape from New York. Now, he might be a bit old for the role but Snake has done several stints in the pen and this might’ve aged him considerably.

Runners up: Wrestler and Bar Fly star Mickey Rourke and Traffic and Usual Suspect Benecio Del Toro—the latter because he always sports the hair. Speaking of which…

 

Noted bestselling author and public intellectual Malcolm Gladwell as Sideshow Bob.

Shaking things up a bit as the bald-domed Kelsey Grammar, while voicing a magnificent Sideshow Bob, couldn’t pull off the locks required for Robert.

For someone plotting to take over the world, who better to play the part than a Canadian who shares an Alma Mater with one-half of the Shark Guys? Now, the author of Blink and the Tipping Point is no actor but who else would be cast in a Simon and Garfunkle biopic? We don’t know much about Art but we know what we like for the part.

Kelsey Grammer as Superintendent Chalmers.

There is nobody better suited to bald authority figures than the talented triple threat Kelsey Grammer (he can sing, act and is a menace behind the wheel).

For years, Grammer’s psychiatric practice suffered while he drowned his sorrows on a Cheers barstool, before moving on to the excellent Frasier.

We never saw his recent series Hank, but we’re not alone in that. Whoever did see it, would be though.

Jodie Foster as Miss Hoover.

Elizabeth Hoover is not known for much other than copiously drinking and smoking in order to deal with the daily stressors of being a second grade teacher. As far as casting overkill goes, getting a multi Oscar winner for a role as one of the least popular teachers at Springfield Elementary would be a major coup. But then again, considering the show’s producers got Liz Taylor to voice Maggie’s first word…

Gilbert Gottfried as Moe the Bartender.

Gottfried is an underrated comic who kills on the comedy roast circuit and tells the best version of the infamous ‘Aristocrats Joke’. He’s got the voice, the negative sex appeal and the unpleasantness for Springfield’s resident tap puller.

Adrien Brody as Dr Nick Riviera.

The Simpsons’ medical malpractice sawbones, Nick Riviera, “Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr. McGregg — with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg”— is actually based on a Hungarian, despite his Latino-sounding surname.

We figure Brody owes us and everyone else who slept through the Village (or felt for, instead of up, Halle Berry). He’s of Hungarian descent and should be able to nail the accent, especially after a few run-throughs of “Keyser Söze”

Patton Oswalt as Chief Wiggum.

The portly stand-up earned rave reviews for Big Fan, about a sports nut obsessed with the New York Giants who prepares elaborate talking points for calling into talk radio. He’d be a shoe-in for this fat gum-shoe.