November 16, 2009 | reviews

Like Saturday Night Live, Law & Order SVU is completely mirth-free and set in New York City but that’s pretty much where the similarities end (unless someone suddenly greenlights a bunch of horrible movies based on SVU).

The perpetually dour, emotionally fragile and combative, i.e., entirely accurately portrayed detectives on SVU were a major source of inspiration for our previous list of the Top 20 Cop Show Cliches and we thought we’d expand on that list somewhat here with our Law & Order SVU Drinking Game.

So settle in, pretend you’re in some kind of Edgar Allan Poe-themed watering hole (the type of place detectives would hold a handkerchief to their noses and complain about the freaks) and grab yourself a “beer”, naturally one of those generic varieties that are always ordered on the tube as crass product placement tie-ins seem to be the sole domain of reality TV and movies.

The rules are as easy as violating a suspect’s rights while they’re in police custody.

1 Drink.

Creepy sex offender (school janitor, short order cook, garbage man, security guard and obvious culprit), is arrested after the murder and abduction and then let go after questioning…Why? because it’s always the third suspect interrogated who ends up being the eventual guilty party.

Someone involved in the investigation ends up dead—this usually happens when a detective suddenly (and conveniently) realizes they forgot to ask about a key piece of information.

A lab technician doing the blood-work notices that the perp or missing person:

a) is pregnant and “needs to see a doctor immediately!”

b) has chronic nosebleeds and “needs to see a doctor immediately!”

Prosecutor Casey Novak pouts sexily to nobody in particular.

A bellicose victim’s family member storms into the precinct and launches into a bordering on violent tirade before being talked down by Munch or subdued by a bunch of generic background cops. If a detective is berated (one drink), the assistant DA (two drinks), the captain (three drinks, preferably a slug of low-end bourbon, of the kind self-pitying TV characters always drink).

2 Drinks

Preternaturally miserable Elliot mentions he “used to be an altar boy” (3 drinks if this is said in conjunction with reading of rights to, beating up, or confessing to a Catholic priest)

Captain Cragen shouts “you were outta line!”. He does this at least twice per episode, but 3 drinks if this sentiment is directed at a DA rather than one of his suspended underlings.

Elliot bonds with a victim’s family, who’ve just had their kids abducted and their arms lopped off by a machete-wielding deviant, by helpfully noting that he has “3 kids of his own and understands”.

Someone involved in the investigation ends up dead after:

a) running away from Elliot

b) shot by Benson

c) pushed into the path of an oncoming subway by Fin

d) an hour spent with world-weary existentialist cynic Munch.

2 1/2 Drinks

One of the detectives who only speaks in this particular context, draws on a map of Mid-town Manhattan with an erasable marker and someone else determines that the perp’s crimes were all committed in an area bounded by an inexplicably large collection of abandoned warehouses.

3 Drinks

Dr Huang makes a diagnosis of Narcissistic Hyperactive Delusional Highly Avoidant Personality Disorder. Stabler scoffs, Cragen seems confused and momentarily considers abandoning suspenders.

The suspect walks and upbraids everyone within earshot as they’re hauled off by their smug lawyer

Someone hits on Benson, but since this happens every episode, 3 drinks if it’s someone related to the case, none if they’re some lecherous construction worker.

Benson and Stabler berate a drug counselor for respecting their patients’ right to privacy and not divulging confidential information

4 Drinks

Elliot Stabler smiles

5 Drinks

Fin smiles, but not in the context of gleefully shoving someone Rikers-bound into the nearest brick wall.