October 28, 2009 | lists
Along with remaking old movies and awful television shows, as well as adapting every written work apart from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, Hollywood also keeps from having to come up with its own ideas by turning comic books into hugely successful films (provided Ben Affleck is in no way involved).
The popularity of superheroes [click here for Captain America, the groping version] speaks in part to the appeal of assuming a completely different identity. (And of wearing a get-up that would be inappropriate outside a fetish bar or a scuba dive meet). Those of us who aren’t actors or committing welfare fraud have little opportunity to assume someone else’s identity, so watching Batman illegally pursue vigilante justice gives us a vicarious thrill and some ideas on how to deal with neighbors prone to 5am guitar-heavy sing-alongs.
Most of the time, though, people adopt fake identities for crime, such as those who claim to be members of Nigerian royalty (who are much like the genuine article in that they are also in the business of lining their pockets with your cash).
Back in the days when police science consisted of little more than asking a bank teller, “Hey, Phil, did you recognize the guy that robbed ya?”, raiding the old lady’s stocking drawer for something that you could pull down over your head as you sprinted over to the neighborhood savings and loan was as good a way as any to avoid detection when committing a robbery. And the tradition continues to this day with many bank tellers held up by sitting presidents, though unfortunately for them and — fortunately for us — their ruses did not keep their names out of newspaper or their mugshots out of the nearest jail house.
As we gear up for Halloween, we present to you the kind of masked minions you don’t want tapping at your door with an eye on your candy, The Top 10 Halloween Mask-Wearing Criminals!
10. Commander in Mischief (The Press Enterprise Riverside October 2002). The motivations behind choosing a particular president’s mask are not nearly as nebulous the voting process itself. We would like to think that a bank robber might don a Ronnie Reagan mask for his work as a comment on trickle-down economics, but most bandits just go for what’s lined with lead, made in China and marked down heavily the closer it gets to Halloween at Wal-Mart: a mask of whomever happens to be president at the time. Such was the case in 2002, when police chased down a man wearing a George W Bush mask who was wanted for stealing a motorcycle. Unlike many of a political bent, he was not the kind of thief prone to partisan politics, as police also found a Bill Clinton mask at his home. A Murietta police official said: “It’s the first time I’ve ever had to chase a president.”And unless Martin Van Buren rises from the dead to become a ring leader of some kind of zombie apocalypse, it is likely to be the last.
9. Bush League, not Ivy, but same Stone Age Family: (New York Times September 2007) Police officials were stunned when they apprehended a man dressed in a George W Bush mask lumbering around St John’s University wielding a rifle (stunned as one does not usually associate W with higher learning).
NYPD officers initially said it appeared to be a George Bush mask, but the suspect’s lawyer later confirmed it was someone of a less prehistoric mindset, Fred Flintstone.
8. Nightmarish Freddy Krueger Bandits (News Tribune Tacoma June 1999). Four intruders wearing Freddy Krueger masks burst into a Washington state man’s home and — like some kind of nightmare – demanded money, beat him up and absconded with his truck. They also handcuffed him and wrapped his head in duct tape, the product preferred by movies baddies who let a hostage grow a mustache, cover it with tape, and, once in a soundproof room, inquire of them: “What’s that you’re trying to say? I can’t quite hear you”, before ripping it off in one cruel tug.
Honorable Mention: Freddy Mask a Scream (Salt Lake Tribune November 2006). Salt Lake City cops investigated after a 23-year old was robbed of her candy (the kind that causes cavities, not drug addiction) by assailants wearing Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream Halloween masks, and perhaps more unbelievably, speeding off in a Volvo.’Scream’ is a pretty popular robbery disguise, see Ontario robbery below featuring a guy in a Tap out MMA shirt.
7. They Got Game (BBC October 2005). Campton Rapper, ‘The Game’, not to be confused with the WWE wrestler of the same name, unless you’re a copyright lawyer, did what every self-respecting rapper eventually does as part of his career trajectory—got himself arrested. But for a former Blood, getting arrested and pepper-sprayed in a suburban mall at an autograph signing for refusing to remove a Halloween mask, wouldn’t exactly fill up liner-note space on your next album. This year, Game might want to consider going to Hollywood bashes as “Successful Defendant in a Frivolous, and Galling Lawsuit”. Game used footage his crew shot of the incident in a video of his and the officers pictured breaking out the pepper spray in the land of 12-year-olds decided to sue. They dropped their case after two dismissals.
6. Dummy Arrested (Minnesota Star Tribune August 1986). When the record was set for most people crammed into a Volkswagen, bells went off and somebody thought high-occupancy vehicle lanes would be a great way to ease congestion without funding transit. Ever since these were created, drivers have tried to beat the system and cruise solo in these less crowded lanes. A Minnesota motorist was pulled over for propping up a dummy rigged up with a Nixon mask in the front seat and the highway patrol confiscated tricky Dick immediately. Driver’s obvious defense: “I am not a crook, I’m just friendless.”
5. You don’t have Nixon, a Devil or a Bear to Kick Around Anymore (News Tribune Tacoma Washington November 1995). A rash of burglaries in Pierce County, Washington led deputies to a suspect’s vehicle where they discovered six Halloween mask — including the devil, Richard Nixon and a bear, along with loaded weapons, jewelry, home stereos and unfortunately, for some poor kid who’s not going to look at a teddy bear or a voting registry the same way again, a bag of stolen Halloween candy.
4. Judge Lance Ito (Washington Times August 1997). Baltimore cops apprehended a bank robber, who committed his crimes not while wearing a mask of that former rental car spokesman with a penchant for double murder, but the guy who, when given the opportunity to throw the book at him didn’t even reach for the shelf: Judge Lance Ito. The judge famously presided over the marsupial proceedings that were the Simpson trial, and yes, a Halloween mask of him was once made. [Editor's note: They no longer are, though undoubtedly a few of the other 11th-tier celebs this trial produced will be willing to stop by your Halloween party for a fee.]
3. You’re a Foul One, Mr. Grinch (Charleston Gazette July 2005). Picket lines are dangerous. Apart from an NBA court, there are fewer places where one’s lateral quickness is likely to be put to more of a test as it’s not uncommon for brakes to miraculous fail nearby. A United Steelworkers worker found out just how hazardous these situations can be, not in a hit and run with a scab, but when he was arrested for wearing a Grinch mask—a misdemeanor offence that makes it illegal to wear a mask or hood in public, punishable by a fine of up to $500 and up to a year in jail (the latter is usually just thrown in there in the case of cheapskates and those whose jib the judge does not like the cut of). The man, who was released on a recognizance bond, “took it off when officers asked him to,” but made the mistake of putting it back on and not anticipating this heavy-handed, asinine response.
2. Who is that Masked Man? (Contra Costa Times California October 2009). In 1960, Jacques Plante introduced the goalie mask to the NHL (previously they just picked chicklets out of their mouths between periods). As a result, goalie masks and bloodshed were already well-associated before the Friday the 13th and Halloween franchises took off. Still, it’s a scary image and scarier still for fat kids forced to tend goal in pickup games. California cops arrested suspects in a jewelry store carjacking/kidnapping case, one of whom was wearing a hockey mask and wielding a crowbar.
Honorable Mention: Bloods and Crypts (Murfreesboro Post September 2009). Is it moral to steal a loaf of bread to feed a starving family? We are not sure, but what certainly isn’t is the case of a homeless man who held up three clerks for $800 in a Tennessee market with a .22 caliber revolver, black wig and Crypt Keeper mask.
1. Gorilla Mask (Associated Press September 2005). An upstate New York student on a dare (naturally), was caught streaking through his high school in a publicity stunt in no way orchestrated by our friends over at the website of the same name (but should’ve been). Surveillance camera video helped nabbed the would-be simian and, sadly, nobody was quoted making any “Donkey Kong? Make that Donkey Kong Jnr”, snide remarks.
Honorable Mention: Gorilla Boss (Windsor Star September 2008). Police arrested a “gorilla-mask bandit,” who is suspected of a number of robberies in Hamilton, Ontario while armed with a hammer. He was charged with, among other things, possession of cocaine, which Jane Goodall has yet to observe snorted in the wild.
[For more on guys who like to dress up and cause trouble, see our Top 20 Worst Masked Pro-Wrestling Gimmicks of All Time]
