September 2, 2009 | lists
When historians one day take a look back and criticize us for our barbaric ways, they’ll have to give us credit for at least raising workplace safety standards somewhat from the days of kiddie chimney sweeps and railroad dynamiting duty. With most people safely ensconced in office jobs that will leave them without a muscle in their bodies, put them at risk of stress-related illnesses, and give them the flexibility of giant crabs, at least the risk of awful death on the job is quite low. Indeed, aside from bumping your head when attempting a push-up under a desk, the odds of injuring oneself in the workplace these days are far lower than back in the days when your job was likely to leave you with one less digit to hail a cab.
That’s the case for most of us. There are others, however, who really should not use the playing of workplace safety videos as an excuse to smoke a joint in the emergency stairwell. Their workplace hazards go far beyond an expired egg-salad sandwich in the vending machine. In honor of Labor Day and our heady joy at the fact that “writer” was not included on the list (yet), we salute those who are, according to the Bureau of Labour Statistics, working in the the 10 Most Dangerous Jobs in the US, (in order from “likelier to kill you than unemployment insurance” to “grim reaper-riding-shotgun dangerous”):
10. Garbage Men. A rule of thumb when it comes to dangerous jobs is that if you have to wear a reflective vest and you’re not in a chain gang, well you might consider night school. Since most of us are at work or — more likely — asleep when they do their morning rounds, we usually don’t take notice unless they get fussy about disposing a hollowed out grand piano that goes on to become a curb decoration or if they throw a strike and bring a major city to its knees with insane demands like having their unused sick days converted to cash and tacked onto their retirement payout. But given the stuff we’ve thrown out after particularly good parties, we do not envy them their jobs — or the fact that the best representation of their work in the arts was on the sitcom Roc.
Cost Benefit Analysis:
Cons: Everything.
But On the Plus Side: See above. Get in a particularly good union and a public health crisis will be in the making as crap gets dumped into city parks while you refuse to work and squander the goodwill of the public. AND they get to use hydraulic lifts to haul the trash. What’s next? Potpourri in the glove box?
9. Farmers and ranchers. Some of the contents of microwave food boxes stuffed in your refrigerator that will still be edible when the sun blinks out comes from the toil of the honest farmer. These good folk are the salt of the earth, and apparently the fathers of some very promiscuous young ladies if the jokes about them are to be believed. Whether it’s a cow that objects to your cold hands on its udder giving you a kick in the head or a piece of heavy machinery putting an end to being able to test which way the wind is blowing on a fairway, farming is hard and dangerous work.
Cost Benefit Analysis:
Cons: You inspired some of Steinbeck’s drearier work. According to the Insurance Journal, it’s more dangerous than even mining, which, had it inspired Steinbeck instead, would’ve meant a Hemingway-like end.
But on the Plus Side: Workplace casual means shit-kicker boots. Plus Willie Nelson loves you.
8. Electrical repairs. This is another occupation taken for granted unless the power goes out while you’re under anesthetic. When Fluffy the Siamese cat meets a transformer — the kind not under the hackneyed direction of Michael Bay — the first one on the scene, or maybe the second after the fireman with a putty knife for feline scraping, is the electrical technician. While window washers, construction workers, or the guy teetering on the top rope in a WWE pay-per-view need only fear gravity, electrical workers scale power lines during inclement weather at all hours of the day or night and risk not only falling but electrocution and encounters with rabid squirrels.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: Don’t need to commit pre-meditated murder in the United States to know what the electric chair feels like.
But on the Plus Side: Panoramic views, stealing cable and getting mileage out of jerking around like you’ve just been electrocuted to scare passersby.
7. Roofers. If you’ve ever wanted to inhale tar during the warmest months of the year and instead of holding the sign that says ‘Slow’ on a seldom traveled overpass for union pay, you’d rather risk plummeting off a roof (and have just been released from a stint in the state pen), have we got the lax background check occupation for you. Comprised of minds more warped than the than the cut-rate shingles they slap on for an inflated price, this is the place to drop off an application once you’ve stashed the orange jumpsuit.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: Mostly ex ones do this job.
But on the Plus Side: Minimal background checks, you get to be outdoors after all that time spent scratching out the days on your cell wall, and you can wave hello to your parole officer as he passes by on the street.
6. Truckers and Salespeople. The most prevalent occupation in North America and also one of the most dangerous, as anyone who’s ever been shunted into the nearest ditch by one at a dangerously high rate of speed knows, is that of trucker. The reasons for this are twofold: incredibly tight time constraints for the delivery of materials and making sure they’re not late for their next truck stop bathroom dalliance. Logging hundreds of miles everyday on the nation’s highways, with nothing but conspiratorial talk radio or a maniac hitchhiker for entertainment, while a rockstar buffet’s worth of pharmaceuticals are processed through their kidneys and tossed out the window in a plastic bottle, is a surefire recipe for death and destruction.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: As far as work-related fatalities go, highway incidents (on a steady climb between 1992-2005) far exceed homicides, falls and getting struck by objects, all of which are on the decline. So the situation is none the brighter despite the odds of picking up a serial killer being down.
But on the Plus Side: It’s one of the few remaining vocations (lifeguard is the other, provided the tower is high enough) where you’re still able to smoke on the job. Plus every day is like a non-arm-wrestling scene out of the Stallone classic “Over The Top.”
5. Iron and steel workers. Most of us haven’t seen a harness since a despotic babysitter took us out for a stroll in the mall. Steel workers though, are often strapped in due to a very high risk of falling, and if that wasn’t peril enough, inhale more noxious substances than those that spray down a strip club dancer. Plus if you spend any part of your day around something so hot it’s labelled “molten”, you might want to study up on disability fraud.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: Falling, being hit by falling objects, eye injury as a result of flying splinters, back/spinal column injury, high noise exposure—basically, what the average heel has to deal with on the low-rent wrestling circuit. Having to put up with the one show-off asshole who can bend a steel bar with his bare hands.
But on the Plus Side: No need for a gym membership, and, as the Full Monty and Flashdance have shown, a second career awaits you on the dance floor.
4. Pilots and flight engineers. If you test drive a car, you can complain the cappuccino cup doesn’t fit snugly enough in the holder, but a test pilot can take out himself, the townsfolk below, a herd of cattle and an innocent puppy who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with one false move. Others included in this category are crop dusters, who face getting shot down by cocaine dealers as well as inhaling fumes that might shave a few points off an offspring’s SAT scores and suffer conditions many are only familiar with in porn predating 1987—lack of landing strips.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: shift work, burnout, long hours, being posthumously lauded for bravery, which, as far as being lauded for anything goes, is one of the better ones provided it’s not posthumous, and the first one whose bar bill will be examined in the event of a crash.
But on the Plus Side: Dirt cheap vacations, the mile-high club, the ability to really freak out people living in the country side by flying at a low altitude.
3. Fishing. Outside of oil rig work in hurricane season, there are very few jobs as isolated and dangerous as fishing. If feature films have taught us anything (and surprisingly they mostly all have, except for those made by Joel Schumacher), it’s that as soon as the outboard motor is fired up, an anaconda the size of a mid level sedan will spring up out of the water and make swamp munch out of the helmsman (we watch terrible films). Working on a fishing boat is like enjoying the stink of a fish market with the added benefit of topsy-turvey waves to empty your stomach contents. Like hookers, weather does not directly impact their work and like hookers, help is often not readily available if something goes horribly wrong. Crew members also have to be concerned with slippery surfaces (and at this point, it’s high time we put the hooker analogy to bed… last one, we promise) and malfunctioning gear can mean having to free more than Willy.
Cost Benefit Analysis:
Cons: Fishing and logging, two of the industries with the highest fatality rates, had higher numbers of fatalities in 2008 than in 2007. If that wasn’t a gloomy enough outlook, fishers face a risk of death on the job that is 20 to 30 times greater than any other single occupation.
But on the Plus Side: Cheap lobster dinners, bragging rights when you bag a Great White.
2. Logging. We had assumed the cartoon depiction of logging — sawed at the base of the tree then tipped over with an index finger to the shout of “timber” — was more or less accurate, but it turns out that much of a logger’s job is done at a very high altitude and if not harnessed in properly, a good wind is enough to take you to that great wood chipper in the sky. Loose branches falling is another risk as is anybody who snuck a flask in at the logging camp operating a chainsaw.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: It’s number two on this list and one of the key dangers is being cut in half by a chainsaw, so there’s not much of an upside here.
But on the Plus Side: The Monty Python Lumberjack Song, of course!
1. Cops/Law Enforcement. This should not come as a shock to anyone unless they’re being Tasered by one. Cops risks their lives every day, and once in a while in ways that are not related to caloric intake. Police work is more dangerous these days with street gangs a greater threat than they were back in the day when territorial disputes were settled with dance-offs. Still, this study did not look at whether being a cop was more dangerous than having to deal with one without a video camera capturing the proceedings. We’re guessing the latter.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: According to the Bureau of Labor Suicides by Selected Occupation (2007/2008) stats, protective service occupations are in the top 10. Probably because shit shovelfuls aren’t given a firearm to take home.
But on the Plus Side: If you’re interested in shooting someone other than yourself, well, this is a job for you. Aside from that, this is a job with more perks than most — fixing traffic tickets and working your way up the ladder of corruption gimmes is a police tradition that goes back to Roman times. Plus you can commit various other crimes in your personal time and trust that only the lowliest of finks among your fellow boys in blue would blow the whistle.
Conclusion: Work sucks. Click here for the Top 10 Songs that say that the best!
[...] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptWhen historians one day take a look back and criticize us for our barbaric ways, they’ll have to give us credit for at least raising workplace safety standards somewhat from the days of kiddie chimney sweeps and railroad dynamiting duty. With most people safely ensconced in office jobs that will leave them without a muscle in their bodies, put them at risk of stress-related illnesses, and give them the flexibility of giant crabs, at least the risk of awful death on the job is quite low. Indeed, [...]
As far as roofers go, don’t forget the lovely feeling of stepping on a roofing tack, and the 1 in 5 chance of hitting your thumb with a hammer.
[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptWhen historians one day take a look back and criticize us for our barbaric ways, they’ll have to give us credit for at least raising workplace safety standards somewhat from the days of kiddie chimney sweeps and railroad dynamiting duty. With most people safely ensconced in office jobs that will leave them without a muscle in their bodies, put them at risk of stress-related illnesses, and give them the flexibility of giant crabs, at least the risk of awful death on the job is quite low. Indeed, [...]
Hmm… nice big sloppy wet kiss to the police state, guys! :)
I learned a long time ago that police work is nowhere near as dangerous as they like to tell us. And I learned it in a law enforcement class!
I noticed you didn’t cite statistics…
You wrote, “According to the Bureau of Labor Suicides by Selected Occupation (2007/2008) stats, protective service occupations are in the top 10.” Which is a roundabout way of saying the numbers don’t back up the assertion of a number 1 status.
The thing that bothers me about this is that alleged danger of police work is used to justify paramilitary police with a shoot first ask questions later attitude.
The linked Associated Content article is not backed up by the Labor PDF you linked to, which cites suicides. And I cannot find any justification for the numbers claimed in that AC article. They look made-up.
I mean, why not go with THIS list that claims police aren’t even in the top ten? http://www.nowpublic.com/tech-biz/americas-deadliest-jobs-2009-top-10-list
I just wish this butt-kissing of the police state would stop. Sorry.