August 26, 2009 | Drunk Stories,celebrities
Gone to fish a cold one out of that great boat cooler in the sky
The real-life Mayor Quimby and America’s answer to Boris Yeltsin, Senator Edward “Ted”, “Teddy”, “Somebody Tell That Drunk Guy To Put Some Clothes On and Get Out of My Restaurant”, Kennedy is dead.
Edward Moore Kennedy’s place in the hierarchy of great Kennedy men might have been foreshadowed at his birth when his father chose to name him after the family chauffeur, and he most likely would not have risen as fast in politics or remained out of incarceration for as long had he not been to the oyster house born. That said, what he lacked in the ability to shape history and inspire generations, he more than made up for in shameless debauchery. And as the authors of the definitive book on the subject, we can appreciate that.
While the standard tributes roll in, and Kennedy’s years in the US Senate are celebrated as something other than the constant reminder of failed promise they must have been for a guy everybody thought would be president, we thought we would pay tribute to a side of Kennedy that kept late-night comedians in material for decades: the shameless, drunkard side that entertained and horrified people from around the world. One of the great debauched sons of privilege has died and while we could not hope to cover even a fraction of the man’s legendary exploits, we figured we would at least offer you a highlight reel of some of those not kicked under the carpet or to which the local constabulary did not turn a blind eye.
Here then are Ted Kennedy’s Top Drunk Moments!
Cadillac Eddie would have been proud.
1951-1959 — Cadillac Eddie No Ablo Espanol: Ted Kennedy got into Harvard on the family name, but was kicked out in his sophomore year for paying another student to take a Spanish test for him.We would like to imagine he was drunk when he decided to risk tarnishing the family name for the sake of passing what was in all likelihood a bird course, but his law school days at the University of Virginia certainly involved a few bent elbows. It was there that Kennedy was dubbed Cadillac Eddie for his propensity to drive — presumably not in a Ford Pinto — around town at reckless speeds, without his lights on, and treating every red light he saw like a bull would a matador cape. Basically he was a pretty fun guy to hang around in college, but that same propensity to lead foot it with a snootful would ruin him in the end.
April 1969 — The “Eskimo Power” Incident: All great legends begin somewhere, and Teddy Kennedy’s legend as one of the great drunkards in politics was truly born on a return flight following a congressional trip to visit poor natives in Alaska. Kennedy must have taken the wheels off the drinks trolley because it apparently didn’t go far past him on that fateful flight. He got bladdered drunk, hit reporters and his aides with pillows and, inspired no doubt by the plight of the people he had just visited, expressed his solidarity with a chant of “Eskimo power!” as he ran up and down the aisles. It should be said that he did just lose his brother to an assassination the year previous, so this could be seen as a response to grief… had this drunken timeline stopped here.
July 1969 — Well so much for a Kennedy in the White House: Likely the only item here that will be mentioned in most obits on the man, the Chappaquiddick incident ruined any hope that he would be able to inherit JFK’s presidency the same way he did his Senate seat and his penchant for strange bed partners. Details are disputed but basically gentlemen Ted offered to drive a former staffer of his brother Robert’s home following a “no-wives” party. He took her on a drunken (he denied being in said state, but when was the last time you were sober at a no-wives party?) joyride and drove off a bridge. Abandoning the “women and children” first code of conduct, he got the hell out of the sinking car without a backwards glance. Leaving her in the car, he went back to his hotel to sleep — stress, and booze, bad mix, need nap — passing several houses and not telling a soul what happened, while the woman in the car, who could have been saved had he alerted authorities, drowned. What should have meant jail time thankfully for Kennedy occurred on family turf and amid the sort of look the other way while my boss’s cousin commits a felony sort of policing usually reserved for the American South in films. Kennedy harbored hopes of becoming president for years after that, but his chances of being elected after such a grim episode were slim. On the bright side, he wasn’t dead and could go on with his life without having learned a single lesson from the incident.
You did not want to get between these two. Really.
1985 — The Two Amigos: Teddy liked to party with Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut and in 1985 the pair were involved in a couple of headline-grabbing drunken moments. The Washingtonian magazine reported how in a moment of drunken reverie, Kennedy spotted Dodd’s photo on the wall, asked “Who’s this guy?” pulled it off, and smashed it on the floor. Dodd returned the gesture for Kennedy. This “Mexican Hat Dance” became the talk of the town.
December 1985 — A Waitress Sandwich With Mouldy Bread: Kennedy was dining and boozing in a private room at Capitol Hill’s Brasserie restaurant once again with Dodd, so the story goes (we’re obliged to present this all under the banner of “alleged” as Dodd is, to the best of our knowledge, still alive enough to call a lawyer), when a waitress entered the room and — according to witnesses she told immediately after the incident — was first thrown on the table by Kennedy, then picked up by the husky scion to the Kennedy throne and tossed into Dodd’s waiting lap. Kennedy is then alleged to have jumped on the woman and given her the old subway hump. The incident broke up and the waitress ran off when another server happened upon the scene. Displaying that New England wit, Kennedy is said to have quipped: “Makes you wonder about the leaders of this country!”
September 1987 — The Senator Has the Floor: Apparently play-mounting the wait staff was not considered a ban-able offence at Brasserie, as Kennedy had no problem booking a private room for himself and a woman, said to be a lobbyist (likely not there on the abstinence first league’s behalf), where the two downed a couple of bottles of Chardonnay and got frisky. It seemed the good senator was unable to differentiate between a restaurant and an outbuilding at a Kennedy compound because as the unlucky waitress who happened upon the couple told a friend Kennedy’s pants were in ankle position, the woman “had her dress up” and the two “were screwing on the floor”.
January 1989 — NYC Bar Fracas: The good senator wins some points with this one. Kennedy showed up at a Manhattan bar called American Trash (not to be confused with Brooklyn’s excellent The Trash Bar). Striking up a conversation with any stranger at that point in the evening is unwise, particularly if you have a name recognizable enough to ridicule. Ted threw his drink in the face of an off-duty bouncer, who may or may not have done something to deserve it. His press secretary said it was because the bouncer insulted the Kennedy brothers. But regardless, bouncers are always guilty until proven innocent.
“I went through a lot of difficult times over a period in my life where [drinking] may have been somewhat of a factor or force.” Senator Edward Kennedy. RIP, and MYLRIP (May Your Liver Rest In Peace)
Hell’s population +1. The fact this this asshole was an elected official for so long is proof of how fucking retarded some people in this country are.
He lived like a man living on borrowed time with a target on his back. We cannot judge. God rest his soul.
PS, J is a douchebag
The world is a better place with this piece of shit gone, I do wonder who is going to have to pay for the toxic mess clean up this shitbag will create in the soil surrounding his grave.
I couldn’t have put it better myself Shaggy. Everyone’s lucky he just killed one person. You would have to be a fool to think that thing gave two shits about the little people that fawned over him.
It’s sad to see people so ignorant as to real accomplishments that help millions. Virtually every member of the Senate, D or R, said Kennedy was able to work with people to get things DONE that helped Americans.
The people who wrote this article and the above comments should be ashamed of themselves.
Ok, the girl in the car was totally fucked. He should have called the cops immediately, but it would not, and absolutely could not have saved her life.
He got away with it and did some good with the rest of his life. Republicans love playing the moral high ground but dont forget your beloved President Bush drove drunk and did cocaine through his college years and you people worshipped the shit he stepped in. He got lucky and didnt happen to kill anyone while he was fucked up. And dont even try to say he didnt because he admitted to it, and then he lied about finding jesus (he said he went through “bible boot camp” but couldnt remember what books of the bible he read, pretty weird considering it “saved his life”) and that being the reason he quit.
But more to the point of this article: As far as great drunkards in history go, Teddy was a champ. He and Hemmingway can have a shot and make fun of Churchills’ accent in that big bar in the sky.
We’re all gonna die, and drunks kick ass. That said, not everyone worked to pass civil rights reform, to end the draft, to pass universal health care, and to tax rich people (especially when they themselves are rich).
I liked Teddy. Don’t care that he’s dead. I actively root for the deaths of a hell of a lot more Republicans, even those who actually haven’t killed anybody. To whiskey!
[...] A look back at Ted Kennedy’s legacy. Specifically, Ted Kennedy’s top drunk moments. [...]
Wow I can’t believe he threw a drink in that bouncer’s face! Such willpower…to part with even a single drop of the precious “Teddy Juice”.
I would have figured his preferred mode of attack would have been the chug/projectile combo followed by a hearty Mexican subway-hump while the dude’s on the floor. The perhaps a quite little ride to the river in the Tedmobile to round off the evening…
I won’t judge but mephjeff might want to see how much tax the Kennedy’s paid throughout the years on their wealth and you might want look into a supposed oil trust they own.
Congratulations on a new low. We try to underestimate CRUX, but you guys keep coming in under estimate. I think in all fairness that when you die, we should let the world in on all of your failures in life. I’m sure you would outdue Kennedy and set a new standard for negative obituaries.
People want to praise Kennedy because he helped pass legislation to better out country. Newsflash: He was a Senator, an elected official, he’s FUCKING SUPPOSED TO! THAT WAS HIS FUCKING JOB! This was a man who clearly abused the privledge his last name afforded him throughout his entire life. The only shame is that his brother’s met their end with an assasin’s bullet while this irresponsible drunk lives 77 long years. Fuck Ted Kennedy.
Congratulations on making a new low. We try to underestimate CRUX, but you always come in under estimate. In all fairness, I think it would be appropriate to list all of your failures in life when you bite the dust. I’m sure such a review would outdue Kennedy and set a new standard for negative obituaries.
They left out the alleged rape in the Florida compound by one of his nephews while Teddy watched with his pants down. Or do I remember that wrong? Also the humping on the boat with his big ole butt going up and down.
This is the man who left Mary Jo to die and promoted the killing of the unborn and partially born. That he lived a long life is sad. Best known for letting a woman drown to save himself, cheating at Harvard, a waitress sandwich……he led a life of wanton debauchery. They left out the night his nephew was arrested for rape after a drunken evening with Uncle Ted.
The Lion of the Senate has roared out in old age. Good for him, sad for Mary Jo and countless unborn babies. Neither Mary Jo or those numerous babies were here to make a difference in our world. That is what is so sad.
Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely… the Bushes and the Kennedy’s are both sad examples of where American politics and American attitudes towards our fellow man have come to. Power is the goal, wheather their excuse is the little man or the big man; become a saint by spending other people’s money and racking up public debt. Both the Bush’s and the Kennedys prove that the shit rises to the top in our democracy.
Ted Kennedy, like all great people, had his flaws and we have just seen some of his ‘dirt’ aired here. Balance his exploits with his many accomplishments in public service and you have the whole story… America needs more men and women who enter public service to try to do a good job for the country, whatever their political leanings… I’ll take more kennedy-types over the rats who sell themselves to the lobbyists anytime.
“It is appointed to man once to die and after that, the judgement.” (Heb. 9:27) I don’t think the Kennedy name meant much then. He knows now clearly the mistakes he made and I know he is sorry. Enough said.
This drunken fool did more harm to this country than Osamna Bin Laden (athough Obummer might do even more damage).His cutting off European immigration in favor of of third countries and our muslim enemies was a drastic, & maybe eventually a fatal, mistake for the U. S. I hope the devil makes him dance on hot coals all day.
He may have not been the poster boy for doing the right thing, but how many of us are sin free? May we have sympathy for his family and remember his more positive accomplishments. R.I.P. Sen. Kennedy.
While JFK has an eternal flame of natural gas, I suspect something similar can be done for Teddy with the outgassing of alcohol and other noxious fumes that may take decades to dissipate.
Freddy,
That Kool-aide you’re drinking, lemon or lime?
A decent man could not have left Mary Jo in that car and failed to call for help–regardless of her prospects. Drinking and humping are immaterial, but so are his “good works.”
great post shark boys!
Seems like sex,cheating on your wife,blackmail,cheating,tax evaision and stealing are all Congressional job requirements.If your family has enough power,those things become “legal” Any other person would be tossed in the slammer.These people are no longer civil servants,we are the servants to these dictators who think winning an election,gives them powers above the law.very sad.I would expect this behavior in a 3rd world country,so that tells you WHAT???
I’m so surprised by all the blind allegiance to Ted. The guy was pure evil and should have passed long ago or locked up long ago. We are better off without him. Wise-up lefties, just because your born to money or “royalty” (used loosely) doesn’t make you good. The guy was a shit-fuck dirtbag and that is putting it nicely.
Kennedy deserves the same amount of time that he gave to Mary Jo drowning in that car, 0%. The man was a useless bag of crap.
When at the Fessenden School, Teddy took one of my former brokers and his roommate, Patrick Kennedy, out for drinks. Their age? 11. Teddy and I were also members (different years) of the same undergraduate club, the Owl, and I had many opportunities to see him in action. He would spot an attractive female, down another drink, leer, and start sweating profusely. A truly disgusting individual. Oh well, now on Nantucket, I only have John Kerry to avoid.
AZ… it’s obviously OBAMA-aid.
How can anyone feel bad for this guy passing? Our country is better for it and that’s the absolute truth. I want my America back, not the Amerika direction we’re going in. He started us down this road a long time ago… OBAMA is just bringing it at hyper speeds.
People don’t become “icons” just because they die. You judge them by the life they lead and it’s clear this guy was a crooked creep.
I think tributes and words of praise are traditional send-offs when a person dies, not a trashing of the deceased. Ted Kennedy led a flawed life as do we all. His flaws were splashed across the media, analyzed, criticized, documented in books…so I’m sure he got his full flogging while he lived, no need to continue the spanking in death.
The jerk-smirk underlying this posting illustrates the same arrogance and lack of class or moral compass of which you accuse Ted Kennedy. At the end of your day, will you have the glowing accolades for accomplishments that this man also collected throughout his troubled life? Hint: publishing a snarky website that trashes the deceased probably won’t be seen as one of your shining moments.
This man helped more people in his life, no matter the state of his sobriety, than anyone commenting here could. God bless his soul.
A guy I knew quite well at Brown University (we used to swim at the college pool; he was training for water rescue while I was a Senior Red Cross Lifeguard). He lived on Martha’s Vinyard and was the one who pulled Mary Jo’s body out of that car. He testified that, most probably, Mary Jo fell asleep in the back of the car, alone. Ted didn’t even know she was back there, when he got in to drive. He may have been drunk; nobody knows for sure, and missed the turn, crashed off the bridge. Ted was lucky to get out himself; but never knew Mary Jo was in the back, under water. That’s why Ted didn’t report Mary Jo was in the car. Neither Ted nor Joseph Gargon knew it until many hours later.
While it is true the evil men do lives after them; so should the good. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Lots of good men loved Ted, forgave him for his wicked behavior and many sins. Many are good Republicans, like G. H. W. Bush, Bill Frist, Orin Hatch; don’t forget that.
Ted mellowed in his old age and that’s what all of us hope we’ll do some day. Let’s be a little more balanced and fair, even to Ted Kennedy. You don’t make a very good case by hating your enemies, even unto death. You’ll drown in your own venom. Some of these comments aren’t worthy of print, not even on the Daily Crux. We’re all human. Learn to forgive.
FFS… your comment made me laugh out loud.
Ron… \”Ted mellowed in his old age and that’s what all of us hope we’ll do some day.\”
Please take a look at articles 4-7 chronicled on this page. He wasn\’t exactly a spring chicken when these actions went down.
What a corrupt fellow he was…
“He was King of the Socialists” is what should be posted on his gravestone. Promote Socialism in the US is what he did. He helped more people become dependent on a government handout than possibly any other single individual, with the Clintons and Obama running a close second. Does anyone realize that social programs benefit government authority far more than the people? That is what they are after is power. Ted was the best at what he did. Hard drinking, whoreing and social programs were his area of expertise.
I guess having respect for the dead is not something you believe in. What do you hope to achieve by trashing someone’s name like that? Doesn’t solve anything, doesn’t help anyone, doesn’t restore anything. Don’t you have better things to do with your time?
I shall never forget or forgive any senator, particularly Ted Kennedy, who has done his best to destroy the constitution that my father, is said to have, died for! You forget why we are able to still voice an opinion; a right which has rapidly deteriorated under the Bush and obama administrations.
The citizens of Massachusettes should be stripped of their voting rights for electing this asshole…for more than 40 years.
To Ron Baker: I would like to take you to Chappaquidick and show you the one lane dirt road that leads to the old rickety bridge that brings you to a spit of beach where Teddy was a headin that sad night…In order to get that far requires a person to be sober enough to divert off a macadam paved state road (on a curve) and do so slow enough, especially at night,for it is unmarked and tough to find in the day. This is not an oops thing I just took the wrong road, golly gee. There is no doubt in my mind that he was heading out there for some action and grew up there & I am sure knew every lovers lane on MV. Mary Jo was in the front and the flip caused her to end up in the back, scratching away to the end to save her life while this so called “Lion of the Senate” went about saving his skin with I doubt two seconds of thought about poor Mary Jo….I doubt there will be a meeting as where she is he is not going to be seen for a long time…This news coverage makes me want to puke…I hear these news anchors talk about a nation in mourning…Man are they out of touch with reality…9-11 was a time of national mourning, Teddy Kennedy dying is a news story for a few days and one that I plan to tune out.
Yes, it seems snarky to talk about someone negatively once they’re dead, but you must take all elements into consideration. He pushed socialism, abortion, HUGE government, and was instrumental in bringing in the communists which are now working furiously to destroy our country for their own agendas. He should be the poster boy of all time for term limits.
Anyone without the power and protection of the Kennedy name would never have been given a chance to accomplish(to the detriment of us all) anything!!!!!
Maybe he can go Liberalize hell!
I for one am glad this piece of shit is gone and can only wish that many in Washington DC soon follow him. Pelosi, Obama, Reed, Dodd, Frank, Schumer, Geitherner are just a few that we would be better off without. His main thing was to take from those that work and give to those that choose not to. Doesn’t matter which side of the “aisle” they are on as they are all the same shit just diffrent piles.
When someone dies, the norm is to have reverence and remember their good on this Earth.
Ted Kennedy is the EXCEPTION. He used his name to do all that you nor I would be able to get away with. He was a PIG! He has done more harm to this Country than what tiny bit of “mellowing & good” he ever thought of doing. He let a woman die in a car he was driving… whether he was too drunk to know it (which I doubt) or not. For an “Ordinary Joe”… it’s called murder. Because of his name, he got away with it. It disgust me to hear the media – who IS OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY these days – talk of what a great man he was. He was scum. But he was a Kennedy. He promoted things for this Country that are detrimental to the future of everything my father fought for (REREAD ALL THE ABOVE COMMENTS). He wasn’t a great man… he was a man who had gotten what he wanted all his life. He had his own agenda and power. We, the people meant NOTHING to him … or the likes of him (Pelosi, Obama, Frank, Reid…etc) WAKE UP AMERICA… what happened to people being responsible for themselves instead of letting the government do it for them..
I say… it’s just a shame he lasted this long.
i agree that the people of Mass. should not be able to vote for 40 years. He has a reserved place in HELL
Edward Kennedy was a fat, pampered prick and a disgrace to the US Senate. The Obama health bill shoud be named after that guy, since it also a disgrace to the American people. It is time to see the American public reconnect to the game with a new party that eliminates all of those folks on the far right and left. Why don’t we name the centrist part the Tea Party and get rid of 535 DC parasites, both R and D?
Teddy may have made mistakes and I have too. Are you perfect? Do you have a child or relative that is not able to help themselves? What do you do to help them? How many things have you done for people who are not able to help themselves? Do you help young or old? How will you be judged when you die? Do you feel OK with your treatment of people in life? WHEN THE COLLECTION BASKET COMES YOUR WAY WILL YOUR CONTRIBUTION BE LARGE OR WILL YOU SAVE YOUR MONEY FOR THE LEXUS PAYMENT OR THE COUNTRY CLUB DUES?
this man as all kennedys were bums.
taxachusetts voted him in constantly as most are of the same type . disgraceful human being. Wanted all to become socialists while he lived a life of
luxury.
get rid of all in white house.
[...] Edward M. Keddedy’s top ten achievements. Posted in Alcohol, Cancer. 15 Comments [...]
Ted Kennedy´s affinity for legit boozing is perhaps the only quality that can even come close to redeeming his bankrupt lifestyle and general jackassery. Next time you´re having a drink, pour some out for the late senator (provided its nothing classier than Old Grandand). I know I will.
He could have sat back and did nothing with his life but collect the family check like a lot of you intellectuals would have done, but, instead he rallied for labor, pensions, education and healthcare even for people who can’t recognize the frailty of humanity. Ted Kennedy certainly didn’t monopolize bad acts, bad decisions and or stupidity in the Senate. Did he get a break with the Mary Jo incident, yup, probably too f’d up to save her and didn’t know what to do. As for someone who knew “Chief” on the Vineyard you can do your own research on that story. I’ve never read such ignorance. Massachusetts is a bunch of Socialist. Ted Kennedy was more dangerous than the Taliban. He had his demons, but, he did a lot of good.
BC
I was beginning to think that I was the only one in this country that thought Ted Kennedy was the sorriest bastard that ever set foot on this earth. This was after listening to the communist news media. My day has been made after reading all the comments on this no good piece of shit. Let’s get after the other trash(which in my opinion is 525? more) in Washington DC. Wake up America and quit voting for these thieves.