August 26, 2009 | Drunk Stories, celebrities
Gone to fish a cold one out of that great boat cooler in the sky
The real-life Mayor Quimby and America’s answer to Boris Yeltsin, Senator Edward “Ted”, “Teddy”, “Somebody Tell That Drunk Guy To Put Some Clothes On and Get Out of My Restaurant”, Kennedy is dead.
Edward Moore Kennedy’s place in the hierarchy of great Kennedy men might have been foreshadowed at his birth when his father chose to name him after the family chauffeur, and he most likely would not have risen as fast in politics or remained out of incarceration for as long had he not been to the oyster house born. That said, what he lacked in the ability to shape history and inspire generations, he more than made up for in shameless debauchery. And as the authors of the definitive book on the subject, we can appreciate that.
While the standard tributes roll in, and Kennedy’s years in the US Senate are celebrated as something other than the constant reminder of failed promise they must have been for a guy everybody thought would be president, we thought we would pay tribute to a side of Kennedy that kept late-night comedians in material for decades: the shameless, drunkard side that entertained and horrified people from around the world. One of the great debauched sons of privilege has died and while we could not hope to cover even a fraction of the man’s legendary exploits, we figured we would at least offer you a highlight reel of some of those not kicked under the carpet or to which the local constabulary did not turn a blind eye.
Here then are Ted Kennedy’s Top Drunk Moments!
Cadillac Eddie would have been proud.
1951-1959 — Cadillac Eddie No Ablo Espanol: Ted Kennedy got into Harvard on the family name, but was kicked out in his sophomore year for paying another student to take a Spanish test for him.We would like to imagine he was drunk when he decided to risk tarnishing the family name for the sake of passing what was in all likelihood a bird course, but his law school days at the University of Virginia certainly involved a few bent elbows. It was there that Kennedy was dubbed Cadillac Eddie for his propensity to drive — presumably not in a Ford Pinto — around town at reckless speeds, without his lights on, and treating every red light he saw like a bull would a matador cape. Basically he was a pretty fun guy to hang around in college, but that same propensity to lead foot it with a snootful would ruin him in the end.
April 1969 — The “Eskimo Power” Incident: All great legends begin somewhere, and Teddy Kennedy’s legend as one of the great drunkards in politics was truly born on a return flight following a congressional trip to visit poor natives in Alaska. Kennedy must have taken the wheels off the drinks trolley because it apparently didn’t go far past him on that fateful flight. He got bladdered drunk, hit reporters and his aides with pillows and, inspired no doubt by the plight of the people he had just visited, expressed his solidarity with a chant of “Eskimo power!” as he ran up and down the aisles. It should be said that he did just lose his brother to an assassination the year previous, so this could be seen as a response to grief… had this drunken timeline stopped here.
July 1969 — Well so much for a Kennedy in the White House: Likely the only item here that will be mentioned in most obits on the man, the Chappaquiddick incident ruined any hope that he would be able to inherit JFK’s presidency the same way he did his Senate seat and his penchant for strange bed partners. Details are disputed but basically gentlemen Ted offered to drive a former staffer of his brother Robert’s home following a “no-wives” party. He took her on a drunken (he denied being in said state, but when was the last time you were sober at a no-wives party?) joyride and drove off a bridge. Abandoning the “women and children” first code of conduct, he got the hell out of the sinking car without a backwards glance. Leaving her in the car, he went back to his hotel to sleep — stress, and booze, bad mix, need nap — passing several houses and not telling a soul what happened, while the woman in the car, who could have been saved had he alerted authorities, drowned. What should have meant jail time thankfully for Kennedy occurred on family turf and amid the sort of look the other way while my boss’s cousin commits a felony sort of policing usually reserved for the American South in films. Kennedy harbored hopes of becoming president for years after that, but his chances of being elected after such a grim episode were slim. On the bright side, he wasn’t dead and could go on with his life without having learned a single lesson from the incident.
You did not want to get between these two. Really.
1985 — The Two Amigos: Teddy liked to party with Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut and in 1985 the pair were involved in a couple of headline-grabbing drunken moments. The Washingtonian magazine reported how in a moment of drunken reverie, Kennedy spotted Dodd’s photo on the wall, asked “Who’s this guy?” pulled it off, and smashed it on the floor. Dodd returned the gesture for Kennedy. This “Mexican Hat Dance” became the talk of the town.
December 1985 — A Waitress Sandwich With Mouldy Bread: Kennedy was dining and boozing in a private room at Capitol Hill’s Brasserie restaurant once again with Dodd, so the story goes (we’re obliged to present this all under the banner of “alleged” as Dodd is, to the best of our knowledge, still alive enough to call a lawyer), when a waitress entered the room and — according to witnesses she told immediately after the incident — was first thrown on the table by Kennedy, then picked up by the husky scion to the Kennedy throne and tossed into Dodd’s waiting lap. Kennedy is then alleged to have jumped on the woman and given her the old subway hump. The incident broke up and the waitress ran off when another server happened upon the scene. Displaying that New England wit, Kennedy is said to have quipped: “Makes you wonder about the leaders of this country!”
September 1987 — The Senator Has the Floor: Apparently play-mounting the wait staff was not considered a ban-able offence at Brasserie, as Kennedy had no problem booking a private room for himself and a woman, said to be a lobbyist (likely not there on the abstinence first league’s behalf), where the two downed a couple of bottles of Chardonnay and got frisky. It seemed the good senator was unable to differentiate between a restaurant and an outbuilding at a Kennedy compound because as the unlucky waitress who happened upon the couple told a friend Kennedy’s pants were in ankle position, the woman “had her dress up” and the two “were screwing on the floor”.
January 1989 — NYC Bar Fracas: The good senator wins some points with this one. Kennedy showed up at a Manhattan bar called American Trash (not to be confused with Brooklyn’s excellent The Trash Bar). Striking up a conversation with any stranger at that point in the evening is unwise, particularly if you have a name recognizable enough to ridicule. Ted threw his drink in the face of an off-duty bouncer, who may or may not have done something to deserve it. His press secretary said it was because the bouncer insulted the Kennedy brothers. But regardless, bouncers are always guilty until proven innocent.
“I went through a lot of difficult times over a period in my life where [drinking] may have been somewhat of a factor or force.” Senator Edward Kennedy. RIP, and MYLRIP (May Your Liver Rest In Peace)
This article is in very poor taste and some of the comments are equally crude. Politically, I disagree with Senator Kennedy’s views and positions. But he is a man, with a wife and family, who bravely fought brain cancer for the past year. Give him a break. Why is it that the public debate has to be so mean-spirited? Do we have to deny the human-ness of everybody who disagrees politically with ME? And yes he had his personal flaws, but so do lots of folks out there. For those who do not like what is happening in the current Congress and Administration, this narrow-minded, mean, petty ridicule and anger is not the way back.
Give Kennedy a break like the hummble dems gave George Bush a break ? Piss on Ted Kennedy, may he rot in hell.
Ted Kennedy: Poster Child for Term Limits.
Ted from the grave:
“Er, uh, why couldn’t she hold her breathe?”
Hey Bob, America would’ve been a lot better off if the Tedster had just sat back and collected the family check. Mary Jo for one would have lived past 1969. The rest of the country would definitely have been better off.
Teddy’s dead and we can’t go back and right all his wrongs but what we can do is take that Ted Kennedy wannabe Christopher Dodd(Articles 4&5) and throw his ass out of the Senate and into jail where he belongs. That Fucker wrote into the stimulus bill that the execs at AIG would get their bonuses through like 2011 and then when the news broke about it and everyone was pissed he starts pointing fingers like he had nothing to do with it. So Kennedy-like.
Sure, Ted Kennedy was the Poster Child for Term Limits. The good news is that we, the electorate, already have the power to implement Term Limits, without the legislature or anyone else doing it for us. The method is simple, and here it is:
Never Vote For The Incumbent !!
Spread the good word.
This guy wasn’t any different than his two brothers.Okay a bigger drunk but they were all whore mongers. Just like their old man.
Ted Kennedy finally did something for the good of the country.May all of Congress follow him soon.
I agree, the Kennedys are no saints. Ted the worst. They come from a privileged elite and get away with everything, no accountability. Ted had so many girlfriends on the side his definition of fidelity was not cheating for a week. Drove his poor wife to the nuthouse, you never see that in the papers lol
Too bad he never drove scumbag Dodd off a bridge. You guys left out that he was handed his seat after Jack gave it up…they put a Kennedy stooge in by governor appointment (same as he wanted to try again)…until he was 30 since you have to be 30 to be a Senator. The fat drunken rapist killer scumbag is gone. May Dodd and other democrat scum join him soon in hell.
As far as I knew, Ted has murdered Mary Jo and ran away from it and got free for the reason that he was a Kennedy. He raped a lot of women and was paid-off to kept silence and now he’s dead for sure some lost souls will come up openly that Ted was their good old daddy according to mommy. Kennedy’s name will still continues through all those bastards!
I would love to hear what good deeds people think he did. Character assasination?? Like “to Bork”? He committed treason with the soviets during the Reagan years (its in the KGB records). Not everyone does it!! typical liberal excuse when the facts can’t be denied. When did he serve anyone but his own inflated ego? I am sorry for the family loss but the US and world are better off
maybe, just maybe, this huge sack-of-shit will end up with Michael Jackson and ole Jackson will stir his “fudgepot” for all of eternity….
Ted Kennedy was true scum, as are most politicians. His life consisted of doing everything possible to take away your money and give it to someone else. All in the interests of buying votes and staying in power. But the biggest scum of all is the American people who voted for him over and over again. What a disgrace to bury him at Arlington with true heroes….you just shouldn’t bury scum at Arlington.
I don’t know about the rest of America, but I was taught from childhood that if you wanted a good reputation, you wouldn’t do anything that would ruin it. Just because you do some good things that don’t give you a free pass to act like an idiot like Kennedy has, time after time.
He was the scum of the earth, the things he did help was this socialist government, cause the coward was afraid of being killed like JFK. The very thing JFK was trying to stop, Ted helped put in place. No wonder Obama was praising the bumb. He helped steal the money from every American for the next three generations. And these stupid people make a coward a hero, yet they don’t take care of our real heroes comming home.
This same socialist government cain’t even keep our streets safe, because the crooked lawyers and judges keep turning these bastards lose to commit more crime against our law abiding citizens. Do they care, why hell no. They want to take your guns so you won’t have any protection.
WAKE UP AMERICA.
Ted Kennedy is a perfect example of a person being elected and re-elected by voters who have no concept of moral values and no concept of how to elect capable and sincere public servants. Thus we have running our government hundreds of incapable despots.He should have spent 40 years in jail not in the senate.
It’s amazing how this creep kept getting reelected for so many terms. I would have loved to see him lose an election and then die about forty years ago. The people of Massechusset are weird, they also keep sending that phony war hero John Kerry back to Washington, and Barney “Blow” Frank. What’s the matter with those people!!! Must be something in the water.
Tony English says it right with no disgusting profanity and name calling.
This is a riot. The most vocal demeaners are all profane. Not exactly the cream of the crop. But I have to agree with them, sans the four letter words. The people who defend Ted really gall me. Gee, maybe Dahmer or Gacy would have done some good had they gotten away with what they did. He KILLED a girl. Get it? The sancitmonious, unprincipled slob should have been in jail. Did you ever stop to think how much good someone could have done had he taken Kennedy’s place. Every time TK railed against someone in one of his patented moralistic diatribes, I cringed. He KILLED someone and was lecturing someone ales on morality.
I’ve noticed old Teddy had bigger boobs than I do. Wonder if I became an alcoholic if mine would grow like that…
Tyler R. you’re a certifiable idiot aren’t you? Maybe GW did drive drunk and do coke in college, but not while he was holding public office. And if you think that Ted Drunkennedy didn’t do illegal drugs, then you are a naive douchebag. This wasn’t about politics, you idiot, it was about a worthless person that drank like a fish, treated women with disrespect, and ran on his family’s reputation alone. What’s really funny is that you act like you know for sure that she couldn’t have been saved. Regardless of whether she could or not, one should call for help.
Are you a pathologist or a criminal investigator? Maybe you’re a forensics specialist? I doubt it… you don’t know shit, so stop pretending you do.
Ted Kennedy is such a jerk. If he cared so much for the poor, why didn’t he donate his family fortune rather than stealing money from producers and giving it to takers just so he could ease his guilt about being born on 3rd base.
Besides, I don’t care if Kennedy went on to cure AIDS, make peace with the Israelis and ragheads, and balanced the budget, it would not have been worth letting him stay in the Senate. He should have been imprisoned for Chappaquidick no matter how many stupid liberal programs he was able to force down our throats.
Don’t forget, Teddy Kennedy is the driving force behind why America is so divided. He started the mean-spiritedness with his attacks on Robert Bork, followed by Clarence Thomas. Politics was much more civil before he took us down that road.
Hooray! The JERK is gone, albeit about 30 years overdue. Next on the list should be Chris Dodds, Barney Frank and a few dozen others that have been in the senate and house far too long. POWER TO THE PEOPLE AND BRING ON TERM LIMITS … 2 terms for senators and 4 for reps.
No more. Oh Yes, be sure they receive the same health care benefits and retirement benefits, i.e. social security, as we do.
NOTICE!!!!
Ted Kennedy has been Sober for 6 days!!!
Gawd you libs are incredible. Your logic defies reason. You talk about all the “good” this asshole accomplished … news flash … every fricken member of Congress can be credited for passing “good” legislation not just this asshole. You mention that both R’s and D’s praised his work in the Senate … of course they do since Congress is now little more a privileged club and by honoring Kennedy they further promote their own self importance and elitism. Think about this … how much more and better legislation would have been passed had someone with integrity, honesty and true compassion been in his place for the past 40 years … significantly more no doubt. Furthermore, some of you morons say we shouldn’t criticize this asshole because “we all have flaws” … bullshit, nobody I know or want to know acted like this asshole did. Ask yourselves, “How many people do I know that act with such disregard for others and disrespect of the law?” Not any I’ll bet. Finally, I realize that many of you will think that I’m one to talk because of the language used in this post but using this language is the only way I can truly register my utter disgust for people like Ted Kennedy. Somehow using polite language critical of politicians of his ilk seems severely inadequate. You’ll hear no RIP from me; I want this MF to burn in Hell for eternity.
Ron Baker, your an idiot! PLEASE read the news reports, teddy’s OWN QUOTES regarding Mary Jo and the follow-up police reports. teddy knew she was in the car, they left together. As to why she was in the back seat, the car was upside down with the front of the car sinking first, due to the weight of the engine, thus the air pocket which remained was from the back window forward. teddy, the ass-hole he was, needed to save his own life, without any regard for his passenger. He’s a total and complete douche nozzle and should have spent some time in the big house with Buba doing some work on his Hershey hi-way. It’s time to close the chapter of this sick group with the kennedy name but they breed like rats so we may have generations of these assholes to put up with. God help us!
No this rat did not just kill one girl. His legislation did kill thousands. He supported the blocking of weapons supply promised to the South Vietnamese to defend themselves from the Chinese and Russian supplied Commies in the North. Result – millions died in Vietnam and Cambodia.He supported black racial supremacy, in South Africa and Rhodesia and helped hand over these countries to despotic Communists. They then, in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), became from a thriving net exporter, to the rest of Africa, to what we see today. A tribal third world toilet of the usual African genre. South Africa’s crime rate has gone up 100 fold since the Commie tribalists took over, with the resulting “white flight.” I could go on about the banning of DDT which has lead to the deaths of millions from Malaria, his opposition to Star Wars and every other innovation for our Defense, but this guy was a louse, a sociopath, a flea on the backside of mankind.
mephjeff is clearly a loser/user….too many people willing to suck off the success of others….makes for a real party til the money runs out……I personally witnessed one of Teddy’s so called health care innovations…in the 70’s he came up with a program to train health care workers while they earned salaries….today a lab tech yesterday a hooker…what bullshit the program failed miserably
The guy was a pig, a fool and a rum pot. His only accomplishment was allowing his date to die while he saved his useless, fat ass. The kennedy legacy-please; there is none. The only one worth anything was Bobby. John and Ted were too busy mounting anything that moved.
Maybe he can say I’m sorry to MaryJo on his way down to Hell.
Joe Kennedy Sr. built the family fortune as a bootlegger – umm, that was illegal – during Prohibition; parlayed that money and curried favor with politicians by “donating” to their election campaigns; was recalled to the U.S. from his Ambassadorial post after voicing strongly sympathetic opinions concerning the Third Reich; rigged Wall Street to his financial and political benefit as the first SEC chairman; rigged/bought the critical Chicago results that put JFK in the White House.
JFK? … how can anyone put his country’s interests first when his own first interest is hanging between his legs? … I liked him, though, and was as shocked as anyone by his death.
RFK? … never cared for this Kennedy, the avenging angel, a self-righteous jerk … oh Bobby, remember Marilyn? … had zero credentials to be USA AG; his dad and brother JFK got him there.
Teddy? … no love lost here for me, started with the Chappy episode … anyone else would’ve been jail, but not a Kennedy … then he proceedeed to give away the workingman’s wages to those who didn’t work, those who saw it was easier to “game” the system than to actually work for a living … Good Ol’ Ted was the champion of the underpriveliged – at our expense – but every night, after dinner and drinks, he went home to Hyannisport, Beacon Hill, or Georgetown (I’m taking artistic license here), and sailed on weekends … just like you and me.
I never understood the concept of Royalty and thought that the rejection of Royalty was one of the fundamental reasons for the Declaration Of Independence, establishing the United States of America. Somehow the Kennedy family has become a Royal Family in the USA, even though their heritage and wealth is based on crime. Is there a lesson to be learned here?
I appreciate the grief of the Kennedy family; they’ve lost a loved one, and it seems he was important to many of their lives.
But as a native Massachusetts boy from New Bedford, Cape Cod, Boston and the South Shore, I think it’s time the Commonwealth – and the nation – was governed without a Kennedy casting a vote.
The Commies got one thing right. The “Romanov Treatment” to rid a society of royalty.
Having character is doing the right thing when nobody else is looking.
I’m sure Ted is a well-toasted shade of brown by now.
What a relief!! I started to believe that everyone in this country is ignorant and just adores whoever is in the headlines! Ted Kenndy was obnoxious and a foul-mouthed criminal who got away with murder because of his name… others go to jail for the rest of their lives for crimes he committed without punishment. And he was touting big ideas!!! It was laughable.
Thank you all for restoring some faith in the American independent thinking ability!!!
May he rest in peace i agree hate the sin not the sinner. May his ideas pass with him and let’s hope that another angry guilt filled Kennedy not take his seat. A family that made their money as Boot Leger’s and stock market manipulators. guilt well deserved?? may we respect the dead and let God be the judge.
This country would be in a lot better shape if this POS had died 50 years ago, and his brother John, had lived. In fact his brother Robert was to the best of my knowledge also a much better man than Ted.
They were both Democrats America could be proud of. They loved their country, would actually defend it, and stand up to foreign powers that threatened it.
I wish the Democratic party was what it used to be. I wish the Republican party was what it should be.
I wish the American people would pull their heads out, and pay attention to what happens in the world, and say screw political parties. I am an AMERICAN.
Kennedy lived the life of a typical drunk. He was his own worst enemy. Someone said “he wanted to tax the rich and he was rich”; but the rules that apply to most of us don’t apply to this subset of the elite. The POLITICIANS WHO ARE PUSHING THIS MARXIST, SOCIALIST, COMMUNIST AGENDA WILL LIVE UNTOUCHED ABOVE THE FRAY. THEY WILL BE THE “PARTY”. The rest of the country will struggle under the yoke of the state. Older Americans know what communism is, we know our history and remember. Unfortunately, many Americans have no idea what is waiting for them.
It goes to show you how dumb those voters are in Massachusetts. Got to be the dumbest on the planet to keep reelecting a murderer and a drunken sot as their senator for 40+ years. I wonder if they can make Guinness’ Book of Records for being the stupidest voters in American history.
According to the Cato Institute 98% of incumbents that run are re-elected due primarily to Gerrymandering, and “campaign reform” (read limiting the amount the competition can spend).
Basically Teddy and his pals D and R like to keep the game rigged in their favor. The major problem is the lack of Term limits which will never pass because the elite benefit too much by having them.
“The evil men do lives after them the good oft interred in their bones, so be it with Kennedy.
Too bad other Senators did not open him up with a thousand eyes like Brutus and the rest.
After reading all your bitching and comments, how many of you will really get off your ass and do something constructive to stop this sort of mess we are in to help this country get back on it’s feet and stop worrying about the past. Learn from the mistakes thats happened!
Russ Godin Sr
Disabled Vet WW II
I have a message for the Kennedy family. The only reason people are not missing Ted too much and can’t stand the lavish attention anyone in the family gets is that the whole family believes in doing good for the common man/woman as long as they are not one or thought of as one. Hypocrites. Arrogance. There is no room for this kind of thought process and behavior. We can all say that Ted committed murder, rape and a whole host of illegal things that would have anyone else in prison. However, all must remember that regardless of what we get away with here on earth, we all have to face Almighty God. No one gets out alive. Ted had to wait a little longer than the rest of the family but he still has to answer to the Lord like we all do. Pray for the redemption of his soul as you would like someone to pray for yours. I hope the Lord judges me with kindness and mercy.
FUCK THE KENNEDYS!
THE KENNEDYS, EPSECIALLY THAT FAT DRUNK TEDDY GOT WHAT THEY DESERVED. TED, THE GREAT DEFENDER OF THE UNDERPRIVILEGED, ALWAYS TOOK ADVANTAGE OF POORER GIRLS AND EVEN KILLED ONE OF THEM. SO HE SREWED A THOUSAND OF THEM. CALIGULA AS A BOSTON MICK!
He was an embarrassment to this great country.
I am heartened to see that many people recognize what a despicable elitist horses butt Ted Kennedy was.
The Kennedy’s have been a plague on our country for years. They are always willing to do good for the ‘little guy’ with someone else’s money.
Now—How do we rid ourselves of the other 534 elites in Washington who are enriching themselves and their friends at our expense while systematically trampling the constitution and the values and culture that have made this a great country?
Ted Kennedy great?—–Only in the minds of liberal elite and ‘what’s-in-it-for me’ people in our great and good country.