August 3, 2009 | lists
Lists are wildly popular. Whether they’re to-do lists, celebrities you’d sleep with if their publicist wasn’t looking, no-fly lists, hit lists, laundry lists or disabled lists (roll calls backstage at the Jerry Lewis Telethon), lists are undoubtedly popular. You might have noticed we’ve devoted an inordinate amount of time to lists on the site, time that could’ve been spent doing something more productive—organizing a parade or launching a petition to curb parade noise.
The lists we’ve compiled here are not Seven US Presidents who Had Clubbed Feet or the Largest Living Reptiles Who’ll Eat your Pets if You’re Not Careful—you know, those yellowing almanacs you flip through when you’re depositing the last remnants of Larry’s House of Refried Beans into a basement commode. Instead, like a coin laundry cycle, we’ve put our own spin on various lists, the vast majority of which have never been done before (and if they have, well, ideas cannot be copyrighted only their expression so those people are shit out of luck).
In keeping with what has become a recurring theme on our site (along with repeated complaints from people with tin ears defending the musical merits of Bon Jovi—we’ll continue to argue for the ‘nay’ side, if we sense the Jersey chuckleheads have even a puncher’s chance of landing in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame), we’ve decided to once again, en masse, showcase our lists, fittingly enough, in list form. Here are 10 of our Top 10 Lists (they’re not strictly ’10′ each time, sometimes they’re 7, 8, 20…basically we pick a number of the top of our heads, kinda like psychics when they’re getting a reading on your date of birth).
At last count, there are well over 60 on this site, maybe more and to the best of our knowledge (we’ve yet to hear back from queries sent to MADD), nobody has ever attempted a DUI Songs List. If you’re on a road trip, may we suggest US State Songs while you fire empties out the window on the interstate? Enjoy and we’ll see you soon.
Jesus Songs
Legends about a one-for-one swap of a soul for musical proficiency abound. (though the guy who plays the spoons and passes around a hat at the bus depot might’ve sold his for a ticket to Cleveland) Such is the extraordinary power of song that nobody, say, sells their soul to become taller and better looking. [for more click here]
Hangovers. Ah yes, when the glorious lies you were telling last night come crashing into the truth of today’s terrible reality. They are nature’s way of reminding you that life is not really as enjoyable as you might have thought when you were slow dancing with the vacuum cleaner and summoning another round of margaritas. [click here for more]
NBA Names
As anyone who’s been stuffed into a locker knows, athletes are bigger and stronger than anybody else and there is no better example of this than basketball, where even the average player can set a drink on top of the head of the biggest guy you know and if he objects, punt him in the ass with a giant shoe not seen outside the confines of a circus big-top. [click here for more]
!!!!!!!DISCLAIMER!!!!!!! First off, let’s be clear that the authors in no way condone drinking and driving, unless it’s done on a closed course by professionals while filming a car commercial or approaching a club house where you’re not a member and the descent isn’t too steep. Drunken go-karting is to be judged on a case-by-case basis. [for more click here]
Ways to Improve Baseball
Before beer prices at stadiums got out of hand, and calling into question the virtue of the left-fielder’s mother became frowned upon, you could at times find one of us in the stands at a baseball game. These days, we hardly ever attend sporting events that aren’t dog-track related, but our memories of baseball, fading as they are due to the brain-shrinking effects of alcohol give us what we feel is the ideal perspective from which to point exactly what is wrong with the sport. It has been said by some observers of the game that baseball is duller than a thrift-store knife, while others have said “Zzzzz…” having already been put to sleep by a game. [click here for more]
Generally, more ear pleasing noises can be heard at a hog-calling contest for the hearing impaired than your average karaoke bar. Now, there are some songs that take a certain amount of panache to bring down the house and avoid being drowned out by some depressed drunk firing coins into the jukebox to hear the
real thing. The sonic heights of Bohemian Rhapsody, for one, are best attempted in the confines of the shower provided you close the bathroom window first and don’t own any jittery pets. [for more click here]
Halloween marks the end of the harvest, or its modern exemplar, snagging a boxed butter chicken before the 7-Eleven closes up shop and even those who are known to wring the last droplet out of that wet blanket, can’t help but get into the otherworldly spirit; even if it means dimming the lights, hunkering down in a basement and carpel tunneling their way through Black Sabbath Guitar Hero and pretending not to hear the knock at the door. [for more click here]
Sex Obsessed Cult Leaders
So you’ve decided to join a cult. You’ve dropped your belongings in the bin marked “stuff that we can sell once your spirit has been broken,” learned to call a guy who has fleas “master,” and started doing things like standing on one foot and chanting Tibetan bush-monk hymns in order to rebalance the earth’s energies. After a few months of this, when your guru brings out a goat and turns on the mood music, you may be sufficiently removed from reality to follow his suggestions. [for more click here]
Actors whose Movies are Always Shown on Planes
As a captive audience for ‘PS I Love you’ (not the kind of captive audience that could at least drown out the dialogue by banging a tin cup across the bars) we observed something interesting: not only did the bits between the opening and closing credits nicely combat jet lag, but there are certain actors whose films are more likely to be shown on commercial flight. [for more click here]
Worst Bon Jovi Cover Songs
Bon Jovi’s baffling popularity has continued unabated for two decades now, however in our minds, there is nobody more deserving of both a solid drop kick to the ass, or a safe dropped on them from a sufficient height, than these crap-rock poster boys, whose music is so middle of the road, they have to watch their tour bus doesn’t veer into the median. [for more click here]
