Tags: list, lists, Mad Science, medicine
July 13, 2009 | Mad Science
Poor George Washington. A case of rickets left him more flat chested than a couture model and throughout his life he battled smallpox, TB, and if that wasn’t enough, had all his teeth gradually yanked out of his noggin before finally being bled to death. If he were around today, it’s safe to say he would not support universal health care.
Doctors, even ones that bled former presidents (hence the phrase ‘bad blood’, more commonly used these days to describe particularly exciting inter-league play) or hawked patent medicine and relieved hobos of bumpy train backaches so they could resume lives as itinerant boxcar rapists— were held in highest esteem.
And of course, the same holds true today (we’re talking real doctors here, not ones who nod off as you describe a negligent father figure or a PhD who may know that The Death of Marat is a significant piece of Neo-classicist art, but couldn’t’ pitch in if you felt a shooting pain up your arm).
Modern medicine is often taken to task by people who couldn’t get into med school if their surname graced a plaque out front or alternative medicine chiselers, who often lack a basic understanding of baking soda volcano chemistry. These folks, along with self-diagnosers who figure a few calisthenics will alleviate that burning sensation in their extremities, or worse, seek counsel from buncos to ease their aches, pains and flaccidities or put them in orthopedic shoes to reach 5’6, are the kinds of people responsible for spreading a lot of the nonsense described here. So, make an appointment for that biennial checkup and see our list of 6 Popular Medical Myths.
6. The terminally ill can ‘hold out’ for the holidays. Obviously, nobody can predict the exact moment they’re going to die (those who’ve said ‘risky experimental surgery? That’s for me! notwithstanding). If it were that easy you could say, ‘no gifts this year as I won’t outlive the return policy’.
A creepy study of 300,000 cancer patients in the Journal of the American Medical Association, 2004, found that there was no overall mortality increase after the day our lord and savior slid down the chimney and hence nobody can, like your virginal high school girlfriend, ‘hold out’. 
5. Sweating out toxins. To put it in layman’s terms, not too big an obstacle being laymen ourselves, ‘Sweat is water that cools the body’.[Please see our review of Turbo Jam] While a guy with a yellowing undershirt might smell toxic, toxins are filtered through the kidneys and liver. Perspiration is water and trace minerals—that’s it. If you get an invite for some ridiculous fad exercise or another to sweat out your toxins, just say, “Until my skin tone resembles Homer Simpson’s, my liver is functionally nicely, so I’ll be de-toxing in the privacy of my own home with a cold one, thank you very much.
4. Staying out in the cold will make you catch a cold. Unless your address has ‘no fixed’ preceding it and you compete with feral cats for cardboard real estate and battle chronic chill, it’s not a concern. And while this may contradict mother’s sage advice (but not explain the alarming trend of wool hats worn in the summer by people who aren’t crazy), going out with a cold head will not give you the reverse. For the germaphobes among you—you’ll be troubled to know that there are well over 200 types of cold viruses, and you can’t get them from the things that make postal workers resent anyone who works in an office—rain, sleet and snow.
3. Vitamin C and the common cold. If you’ve got the common cold, don’t ingest a crap load of vitamin C for the sake of your Sunday whites. It doesn’t diminish the severity of colds, so champagne and orange juice treatments are not recommended for anyone not currently in high fashion and depleting themselves of essential nutrients nightly in the bathroom. A joint Finnish / Australian study of thirty trials and more than 11,000 participants suggested that regularly popping vitamin C had no effect on common cold frequency and reduced the duration and severity of common cold symptoms so very slightly, that it was deemed clinically useless.
2. Eating turkey makes you sleepy. On Thanksgiving, who doesn’t enjoy a nice turkey—one that has hopefully been pumped up with steroids to delectably plump, juicy proportions? Even if you’ve have held out for the holidays, gainsaying #6 on this list, turkey will not make you sleepy so feel free, no, we insist that you stay up for as late as you can.
1. During the holidays, suicides spike. According to a study in Psychological Reports, which looked at rates of U.S. homicides and suicides over an 8-year period in the 70s, homicides were higher on 7 out of 8 major national holidays What this means is not entirely clear, but if you’re worried Louie ‘Three Fingers’ is gonna come at you with an ice pick, it might be best to forego public fireworks. The study also showed that over those 8 years, suicides were actually lower on every holiday except New Year’s Day, which means either people are depressed about the New Year or are really good at keeping resolutions.
Great site man. I was wondering if we could possible exchange links. Let me know what you think about my humor blog.
Jason
You obviously don’t know a thing about
George Washington. Otherwise, you would not
have made such a stupid comment which is fine
since stupid people are so stupid that they don’t know they’re stupid. If you want to learn about George Washington, start by reading his farewell address. Good luck.
Editor’s note: For those of you who are interested, particularly humorless drones like Mr Doakes above, here is a link to Washington’s farewell address
http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/washing.asp
Here is an account of the deathbed scene from the Washington Papers, U of Virginia
http://gwpapers.virginia.edu/project/exhibit/mourning/scene.html
And, we’d like to wish everyone good luck as well.
Are you telling me that when I fall asleep for 48 hours after eating Thanksgiving dinner that Triptaphan is not the actual cause? Holy batmeat, Batman, what am I to believe? How can you do this to me? Do I look like someone who can constantly be played as a fool? Do you think that I have no feelings? Do you think Nebraska will win the National Championship this year?
Keep up the good work,
Phil
http://www.babyboomerbaloney.com
Thanks for posting this