July 31, 2009 | Heroes

As some of you are no doubt aware (we’ve spent the better part of a year and a half intermittently shilling for it), this is the official blog for our humor book, which comprises a Great White’s snaggle-toothed mouthful of a title:  “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery” (to be known henceforth as ‘The Shark Book’, in the interest of energy conservation and somehow reducing our environmental impact on the high seas).

That we are known as ‘The Shark Guys’, should come as no surprise either, not because we’re fond of the phrase ‘We’re gonna need a bigger boat’ (though we are) or slurp enough fin soup to risk endangering them;’ rather, this is what marketing genius gurus refer to as ‘branding’. We sincerely hope you like it, as it’s far too late to change it now and it’s preferable to, though not as accurate as, ‘The Drunken Debauched Guys’.

This site is updated thrice weekly. Why three you ask? Well, some really good things come in threes: threesomes, celebrity deaths, a Bronze medal (we’re Canadian, it’s the best we can hope for), jazz trios, six-man tag-team matches, [Please See our Worst Masked Wrestling Gimmicks] and it’s the atomic number of Lithium. [August 3rd is also auspicious in our home province as it's a holiday]

Along with our notable  Top 10 Lists, product reviews, travelogues, beer tastings, movie reviews and reasons why you should not bring the Turbo Jam DVD set to the office,  The Shark Guys site will provide information about the authors: freelance journalism, radio appearances, press, readings, outstanding arrest warrants, and of course news on the next book. Speaking of which, we are currently working on that book. Some of you might have noticed the posts have been getting shorter lately: this is not to reflect people’s diminished attention spans or laziness on our part, but rather, diligent toiling toward our deadline.

Heads up: Next week, we will be in New York City for matters relating to said book and perhaps updating research on our post ‘New York City Versus Toronto’, though we believe it’s entirely accurate and in no way misleading. As a result, expect a Monday post and then a short hiatus as we take the Staten Island ferry out for a joyride, scale Lady Liberty’s heights and get some R&R in the East Village and Brooklyn. The last time both of us were in NYC together, it was the week of September 11.

This mini vacation could not come at a better time, especially if the Toronto City Council votes down the strike resolution and those of us in the downtown core continue to be overcome by the fumes emitted by the garbage.

Thank you to our growing readership and feel free to spam as many friends and acquaintances with links to this site.

Have a great weekend and on a related note, enjoy Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

The Shark Guys

July 29, 2009 | Rants,reviews

C.U.P.E., the Canadian Union of Public Employees is back on the job after late night hostage negotiations talks resolved outstanding issues, most notably the garbage strike which made the inside of a gym locker a preferable bouquet.

Here are 30 suggestions for what CUPE really stands for.

1. Cannot Understand Principles of Economics

2. Caught with Unconscionably Petty Entreaties

3. Causing Unbelievably Pugnacious Exchanges

4. Causing us Palpable Exhaustion

5. Can’t Understand Pay Excesses

6. Collectively Unnecessarily Pushing for Entitlements

7. Callously Using People Explicitly

8. Casually Undoing People’s Enthusiasm

9. Canadians Unwilling to Put-aside Egos

10. Causing Us People Embarrassment

11. Consistently Underestimating Profits and Equality

12. Consolidating Useless People Excellently

13. Coercing Unbelievably, Politicians Everywhere

14. Caricaturing Unfortunate People Everywhere

15. Customarily Using Politicians Easily

16. Cruelly Using the Populace Expediently

17. Conspicuously Unimportant, Perhaps Empty-headed

18. Chiseling Us, Proclaiming Egalitarianism

19. Culling, a Useful, Productive Endeavor

20. Clinging to Unimportant Piddling Endowments

21. Corrupt, Unbelievably Piffling Emissaries

22. Compounding Ugliness, Pursuing Enmity

23. Contract Untenable, Pampered Egotistically

24. Championing Unsound Principles Effortlessly

25. Carping Unusually for Puerile Ends

26. Ceasing to Understand Purpose of Efficiency

27. Comfortably Unraveling Profits Excellently

28. Comprising Utterly Pandering Envoys

29. Combative, Unpleasant, Propagators of Exaggeration

30. Consistently Undermining Performance Evaluations

July 27, 2009 | lists,music

While much attention is given to the likes of Mariah Carey, whose multi octave high end range can shatter the Popemobile’s glass, relatively little attention is given to the other end of the vocal spectrum, the one we’re most familiar scraping in the majority of our posts: the bottom. Yes, these voices make Johnny Cash sound like Joe Pesci just before he’s about to administer a beating and thankfully, consist solely of men (or else that would just be really really creepy).

It’d be simple to suggest, ‘Sure, the entire catalog of Barry White songs’ , but that’s easy for you to say, given that it’s much easier to read our blog three times a week than it is to write it (if you don’t believe that’s true, feel free to forward your resume and we’ll consider taking on a guest columnist for a week. Be forewarned: diamond miners in the Ivory Coast get better job perks). So, here we delve into some low, low-voiced karaoke song choices the next time the gravelly voiced among you grace the mic of your local karaoke bar and cause more ears to bleed than Mike Tyson after Ramadan. That the majority of these songs aren’t strictly in the lower register is a testament to how annoying a low rumbling that usually precedes aftershocks can be. That being said, a few feature earth-ware shattering and pet-frightening bottom ends the whole way through.

These are our favorites, in no particular order.

Elvira: Oak Ridge Boys

Say what you will about the Family Guy (it’s a cheap Simpsons knock-off, the setups are obvious, it’s crude, it’s offensive just for the sake of being offensive) but this song was used to great effect when daughter Meg Griffin was having sexual identity issues in one episode.

Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow

Can you Get to That: Funkadelic

A relatively unknown gem from the gray matter of the Funkmaster General himself, George Clinton, featuring a rare acoustic guitar.  One verse (around the two minute mark), cranked to chest-pounding oblivion will have the downstairs neighbors putting in a call to the landlord.

Daddy Sang Bass:  Johnny Cash and the Statler Brothers

For this song, you don’t want to be saddled with the high pitch ‘Mama sang tenor’, seen here. Mama singing tenor is a guarantee of army boots footwear

Old Man River: William Warfield (written by  Jerome Kern)

Bass solos are decidedly rare in musicals, but we wouldn’t know it as we’re more likely to attend an exhibition of Mayan ceramic pottery than ever attend a musical, but to each their own. Actually, if the other kind of bass solo was prevalent in musicals (say, the funk slapping of Flea or Bootsy Collins), that would make the likes of the dreary Jersey Boys much more easy to stomach (we’re guessing, though we wouldn’t want to test out that theory regardless)

Cover of the Rolling Stone:  Dr Hook

Terrific bass part here in this send-up of the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle with “I got a freaky old lady named Cocaine Katie who embroiders all my jeans. I got my old gray haired daddy, drivin’ my limousine”. This song was re-released in the UK without the phrase ‘Rolling Stone’ (as that was considered advertising for the magazine). We cannot confirm what happened with the Temptation’s Papa was a Rolling Stone

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm: Crash Test Dummies

These Crash Test Dummies have not been  roadworthy for a while now, probably because people’s taste for a lead singer who sings in a baritone range are limited to those who’ve lost their hearing in the upper register.

You’re a Mean One, Mr Grinch

One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Who doesn’t love Dr Seuss or for that matter, the Grinch, he of the heart that is ‘two sizes too small’. How the Grinch Stole Christmas criticized the commercialization of Christmas, a perfect excuse for readers to check out our Top 20 Crappy Christmas Tree Ornaments Found on EBAY

Can’t Get Enough of Your Love:  Barry White

White made a great appearance on the Simpsons (‘Whacking Day’), chasing the snakes out of the town of Springfield by disturbing them with his low rumbling

Hallelujah: Leonard Cohen

A great song from LC, completely butchered by Bon Jovi (cover your ears and please see our Worst Bon Jovi Cover Songs, but don’t say we didn’t warn you). There are countless versions of this song, but none come close to the original. For more Cohen, please see our number one slot for the Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time, songs about bars.

Chantilly Lace:  Big Bopper

Now THIS is the segue of all segues…Dr Bill Bass, founder of the research facility at the University of Tennessee nicknamed the ‘Body Farm’, actually dug up and exhumed the body of the Big Bopper (don’t worry, the Bass-man got family permission). Hellllllllooooo babbbbbyy….