May 6, 2009 | lists
The Shark Guys offer the following as a public service. Please memorize every single one of these rules and never forget them. They will make your elevator-riding experience shorter and more enjoyable. Also your fellow elevator passengers will not despise you with every fiber of their being.
1) Anyone who gets on at the ground floor and presses the button for the second floor deserves to be taken up in a space capsule, shot out the garbage chute and left to asphyxiate in the cosmos.
1b) Those going to the third floor should also take the stairs, though not doing so is not as grave an offense — punishable perhaps by a swift kick to the gonads, or a month of lunches at KFC.
2) Do not stand near the buttons unless you are willing and able to operate the door close/door open buttons like a pro. The door close button is of almost sacred importance, as it helps quicken
the journey and can be used to great satisfaction to shut out a running Johnny-Come-Lately.
3) Do not be overly concerned about contracting swine flu in confined spaces. You are far likelier to be the victim of frottering.
4) Do not stand in front of the door if it is possible to stand anywhere else. Only inconsiderate pricks incapable of looking beyond their own selfish interests for even a minute do this.
5) Do not complicate a multiple-flight ride with only one other person by starting a conversation too early. If you must speak, do so as one of you is about to reach his or her desired floor. The conversation can
then can conclude with a smiling, “Bye”, as you disembark.
5b) Scanning a newspaper is a good way having to avoid talking to anybody or making eye contact, but unfolding it is something only a barbarian would do.
6) Don’t even think about using that mobile phone. If you use a mobile phone in an elevator AND pass comment about the crappy reception you’re getting, you are pond life.
6b) Any portable musical device emitting sounds that go beyond the space occupied by your head are similarly banned.
7) Cease all conversations as soon as you have reached your destination floor. Nothing holds up an elevator as needlessly and as infuriatingly as a couple of Chatty Kathys engaged in one of the century’s great
dialogues moving like bovine out the door.
7b) It is permissible for the person at the door close button controls to “accidentally” shut the door on such chatterers in extreme cases.
8) Allow as much space as possible between you and everyone else. Just because we’re sharing a lift together does not mean I should be forced to enjoy the breakfast bouquet emanating from your mouth.
9) Keep control of your sugar-high, attention-deficit disorder poster child of a kid, or he may get a cupped hand to the back of the head from a dutiful stranger.
10) The best place for your gaze is either at the numbers of the floors, or your own feet. Stare at me and I’ll have constables waiting for you in the lobby.
frickin awsome rules bro.
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