May 29, 2009 | lists

Ever wonder why you never see, “Taurus, you will cease to be your household’s primary breadwinner after falling down a flight of stairs around lunchtime” in your daily horoscope? Focusing only on the positive allows astrologers to hedge their bets, put clients in a good mood (without spiking their herbal tea) and ensure selective thinking—remembering the favorable and ignoring everything else. “Jeez, when Mario the Most Magnificent said I’d meet the love of my life, he was spot on”, rather than “too bad she ended up sleeping with my best friend.”

Whenever astrology doesn’t correspond nicely with occupation, personality, marriage, divorce, suicide, the wearing of gaudy jewelery (OK, we made that last one up), psychics complain that focusing solely on sun signs grossly underestimates underlying complexity, like trying to drive after 8 beers.

‘Time twin studies’, those that look at people born 5 minutes apart, provide helpful information about astrological personality claims. In a study by Dean and Kelly, 2000 + people born on average 4.8 minutes apart, were studied using a whole battery of tests: IQ, reading, personality inventories, sociability, anxiety, etc, etc, etc, (variables such as age of mother, length of labor, people who might’ve been drinking during pregnancy [and potentially birthing the next generation of astrologers], were controlled). The researchers found that: “The strong similarities predicted by astrology were simply not there”.

That being said, we did notice in our research a scant number of Libra serial killers, and more born earlier in the year and that got us thinking, what if serial killers aren’t randomly distributed among the Planets of the Zodiac? If you’re hitchhiking on a lonely stretch of road, should you ask for a sign?  Let’s have a look at a few more bloodthirsty maniacal serial killers and see…

LIBRA  (September 22 to October 23)

Serial Killer: Lawrence Sigmund Bittaker (Born: September 27, 1940)

Killer capsule: Pittsburgh-born sadist, rapist and multiple murderer, currently on death row. Threw one victim off a cliff after strangling her (in retrospect probably the most effective order of operations) and used a coat hanger and ice picks for commission of heinous crimes usually reserved for Godfathers I, II and III.

Astrological Profile Highlights. “You can usually trust a Libran too—at least you know they will almost always have good intentions.”

What was that about how the road to hell was paved? Maybe it was a misprint and referred to ‘librarians’.

“You love to use your intellect socially”

Bittaker’s IQ, like many serial killers, was high enough to qualify for MENSA, though jotting down “Enjoy killing innocent strangers with an icepick” on the form, wouldn’t exactly have endeared him to the selection committee.

Incredibly, Bittaker receives fan mail. He signs off on replies with the charming salutation ‘Pliers Bittaker’.

The point is, Librans “usually know exactly what to say and when to say it”.

Shares a birthday with: Quaker Oats man and famous diabetic Wilford Brimley, Avril Lavigne, and Lil’ Wayne.

SCORPIO: (October 23 to 22 November)

Serial Killer: David Parker Ray, born November 6, 1939.

Killer Capsule: The ‘Toy Box Killer’, so named because of the $100,000 torture chamber he built in his house. Sentenced to an astounding 224 years in prison for torture and the kind of sexual sadism that makes the back pages of the Village Voice look like an ad for a Mormon social. This all took place in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, the name of which apparently derives from the television game show, so its suitability as a name for a serial killer’s stomping ground was coincidental.

Astrological Profile Highlights. “Have you ever met a prudish Scorp? I really don’t think I have.”

David Parker Ray is certainly no exception. Ray used whips, chains, pulleys, straps, clamps, leg spreader bars, and surgical blades and saws in his New Mexico torture chamber.

Shares a birthday with: James Caan, Maria Shriver and Rebecca Romijin

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21)

Serial Killer: Ted Bundy, born November 24, 1946.

Killer Capsule: Bundy, who committed 30 murders, and bore a slight resemblance to Neil Diamond (please see our list of the Top 5 Acts of Karaoke-influenced Violence), the University of Puget Sound law student could not focus on his studies, what with all the skipping of classes to go a-murderin’. Like a guy parking illegally in a handicapped spot, he used crutches to evoke sympathy, and then slammed crowbars off the heads of unsuspecting good Samaritans. Lesson learned: do not help anyone ever.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “You may not always show your friends and lovers the ‘sunny’ side of life, but with your ability to handle extremes and your capacity to feel profoundly, you teach the rest of us a little more about what it means to be human – dark side and all.”

This last bit could’ve been entered into his defense (Bundy acted as his own attorney and even cross-examined witnesses, which would’ve been the first instance in the history of jurisprudence in which a witness sought witness-protection from an officer of the court in the middle of trial proceedings)

“You’re not interested in skirting around tough subjects”.

Bundy granted an interview with Focus on the Family’s James Dobson, the day before his execution, although critics point out if he was really tough he would’ve opted for the more tear-jerking style of Babs Walters.

“Won’t shy away from the truth just because it’s not exactly what you or others want to hear.”

In a move that shocked many, Ted Bundy (who did not in any way inspire Al Bundy from Married with Children) blamed the root of his psychopathy on soft core porn, which, if this is the really the case, means late night TV can be blamed for more than just impulse buys.

Shares a birthday with: Mobster Charles “Lucky” Luciano, comedian Billy Connolly, and writer Arundhati Roy.

CAPRICORN (December 21 to January 20)

Serial Killer: Charles Ng, born December 24, 1960.

Killer Capsule: Charles ‘Can I buy a vowel and a Stay of Execution’ Ng enlisted in the Marine Corps in 1980 and served for less than one year before being dishonorably discharged for theft of heavy weaponry and machine guns in Hawaii. With his buddy Leonard Lake (a good friend helps you move, a great friend helps you move a body) he murdered an unknown number of men, women and children at his rural California home that was equipped with a fortified bunker creepily employed as a holding cell.

Astrological Profile Highlights:

“You are someone who can teach others lessons and also someone who learns by the lessons life teaches you. You have the ability to see the facts of a situation and to face up to them.”

The troubled loner who was repeatedly expelled from various schools, proves that there are indeed different styles of learning.

“If you can keep their cool in the middle of mayhem, you are a Capricorn.”‘

Shares a birthday with: Ryan Seacrest, Ricky Martin and Ava Gardner

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18)

Serial Killer: John Lee Malvo, the Beltway Sniper, born February 18, 1985.

Killer Capsule: Made people afraid to pump their own gas, like snotty rich women. The Jamaican illegal (“Jamaican me crazy!”) terrorized Washington, Maryland and Virginia. Eventually busted, probably because of partner John Allen Muhammad, a known Sagittarius (Aquarians are most compatible with Libra and Gemini)

Astrological Profile Highlights:

“Be careful of a tendency to drive people away when you would rather they came closer.”

That may be, but remember, he was a ‘Beltway Sniper’ and not a ‘Beltway Rolling Pin Beater’.

“Sometimes you have a tendency to come across as a teensy bit unapproachable or even detached. Sometimes you might seem just a little bit disconnected from others.”

Like most people who spend an inordinate amount of time hanging out at gas stations who don’t work there, the Beltway Sniper was a bit detached from the realities of the bigger, non-service-station-related-lifestyle big picture, that’s for sure.

Shares a birthday with: Yoko Ono,Vanna White and John Travolta

PISCES (February 18 to March 20)

Serial Killer: John Wayne Gacy, born March 17, 1942.

Killer Capsule: Killer Clown John Wayne Gacy did more damage to his profession from a PR standpoint, than would-be lawyer Ted Bundy did to his (people have been disgusted and terrified of lawyers since the signing of the Magna Carta). Gruesome Gacy buried 27 boys under his crawlspace. He seemed an affable gent and was widely respected in the community, charming and easy to get along with, attributes we in no way cribbed from his online ‘prison dating’ profile.

Astrological Profile Highlights:

“Uber-business man Rupert Murdoch is one of you”.

That Murdoch could be a cannibal clown on the side while running one of the most powerful media enterprises on the planet, would be a marvel in multitasking and not wholly out of character.

“You have a tough veneer and a sharp suit”.

The clown suit was considerably sharper than the uni Gacy would’ve sported as a KFC manager in Iowa.

“Listen to your intuition because it has much to teach you”.

We’ll see if his brain, removed by a Chicago-area forensic psychiatrist, will do the same or at least help explain why clowning is inherently unfunny or why Gacy didn’t turn to Italian light-opera.

Shares a birthday with: Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins, ballet legend Rudolf Nureyev and actor Kurt Russell

CLICK HERE TO RETURN TO PART ONE!

May 28, 2009 | lists

Astrology adherents believe we all fall into one of 12 basic character groups depending on the alignment of the stars at the time we made our screaming, messy debuts in this world. In a bid to get people to cough up more than the cost of their newspapers, astrologers are capable of complicating this basic setup with a cosmic breakdown of exactly where the universe was at when you were born with moons waxing and waning and more stars going into their ascendancy than after a no-tell weekend at a Hollywood producer’s house. But basically there are 12 accepted groups, and the members of each are said to share common personality traits.

There are otherwise high-functioning people out there – regularly voting and using the toilet without incident – who will say that a person’s personality has as much to do with the zodiac as it does a family tree tagged by city officials for chopping down due to trunk rot. As such books on astrology are up there with STD tests as tools to determine romantic compatibility and the wisdom of the zodiac is sought in other important life matters.

The personality profiles of the different zodiac signs are often too general or focus too much on the positive and they are open to interpretation. Here using only Yahoo Lifestyle’s breakdown of the different symbols, we decided to take a look at how the personality traits ascribed to each zodiac sign match well known people who fall under these signs — in this case some of the most Bloodthirsty Horrifying Serial Killers in recent memory. Let’s get started, shall we?!

ARIES (March 20-April 19)

Serial Killer: Keith Hunter Jespersen (Born April 6, 1955)

Killer capsule: Keith Hunter Jespersen was a Canadian truck driving serial killer, who murdered at least eight women, though the actual number may be many times higher. He became known as the Happy Face Killer, not due to his smiling disposition while being handed enough life sentences to last until the sun burns out, but because he regularly wrote letters to an Oregonian newspaper, which he signed with a happy face. Sadly, he did not leave a return address and due to the transient nature of his job as a trucker, it took police years to nab him.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “Ruled by the red planet of action, Mars, you are usually brimming over with life and vitality. But it’s that very spark inside you that means it’s so easy it is for you to be taken the wrong way.”

How true. It’s so unfair for people to assume that truckers who pick up strangers on abandoned roads in the middle of the night are bloodthirsty psychopaths out on the hunt. So unfair.

“You’re a Cardinal sign, which means you’re a leader, as well as a Fire sign, which means you either have boiling blood or you often come up against people whose blood you make boil. Why is it that people don’t understand that you just want to get things done?”

We value perseverence in matters such as beer chugging competitions and welfare fraud, but this?

Shares a Birthday with: John Ratzenberger (Cliff the mailman from Cheers),  Judd Apatow favorite Paul Rudd, and bible thumper former teen heartthrob Kirk Cameron’s younger sister Candace. Who are like basically the same person.

TAURUS (April 21-May 20)

Serial Killer: Steve Wright (Born April 24, 1958)

Killer Capsule: Not to be confused with laconic stand-up Steven Wright, who frankly, looks scarier. The Suffolk Strangler murdered prostitutes in Suffolk, hence his name.

Astrological Profile: “You are ruled by Venus, the planet of love and you’re definitely the sign of the zodiac most associated with sensual touch. How incredibly romantic! Your ruler Venus is all about The Pleasure Principle – in other words, anything which gives you pleasure, baby.”

Shares a birthday with: Barbara Streisand and Kelly Clarkson, neither of whom are associated with any kind of ‘pleasure principle’ we’re aware of, masochism maybe.

GEMINI (May 20-June 21)

Serial Killer: Kenneth Alessio Bianchi (born May 22, 1951) (Editor’s Note: While David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, and also a famous Gemini would have been the more obvious choice, we covered him in the Top Postal Workers list and it’s company policy for us not to write about the same serial killer more than once every three months. Our company policy book is huge)

Killer capsule: While the very worst crime that most people would ever possibly commit with their cousins is marrying them in states that don’t permit it, Kenneth Bianchi and his cousin Angelo Buono had a darker gameplan.The two started out as pimps in California and worked their way up to murder, eventually strangling women in the hills above Los Angeles, hence their names The Hillside Stranglers. Bianchi was not the brightest light on the Christmas tree. As they were at the height of their homicidal ways, he tried out for the LAPD (insert your own joke here) and even went on a few ride-alongs with officers investigating the case. Buono compelled Bianchi to relocate to Washington when he heard of this insane — even by psychopath standards — behavior. Bianchi was arrested there after failing to cover his tracks after another two murders. He is also the only killer on this list to have been played by Billy Zane in a made-for-TV movie.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “Forget what you’ve heard about Geminis being two-faced. It’s not that you’re anymore two-faced than the next person.”

“The next person” in Kenneth’s case must have been Ted Bundy.

“Your knowledge and the diversity of that knowledge means that you don’t like to be kept on one track and if there is one criticism people are likely to make of you it’s that you tend to intellectualise things too much.”

Kenneth Bianchi has been accused of many things — mainly heinous murder — but being one of the century’s great minds is not one of them. When it comes to dumb moves to draw attention to yourself and your homicidal tendencies, Kenneth’s police ride-alongs while the Hillside Strangler investigation was at its most intense has to at least make the Top 6.

“Ruled by Mercury, the fleet footed messenger, you remain as flexible as a reed in the wind and more than happy to adapt to the situations you find yourself in.”

Sadly, we must contradict our sayer of sooth here: Kenneth did not adapt at all well to his new digs — enlisting the help of one of those sad demented women who fall in love with psychopaths to give a false confession to his crimes in order to spring him. He continues to wallow in Walla Walla prison in Washington.

Shares a birthday with: Supermodel Naomi Campbell, French singer Charles Aznavour, and Eurasian actress Maggie Q.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Serial Killer: Charles Ray Hatcher (born July 16, 1929)

Killer capsule: Another serial killer who is commonly referred to using his middle name (a bad sign), Charles Ray Hatcher is sure to be top of the list of anyone arguing against early release for convicts imprisoned for serious crimes. Hatcher is said to have killed 16 people — and committed more heinous crimes than some medium-sized towns process in a year — over decades, from 1947 until 1984, when he was arrested for the last time, wanted the death penalty imposed and when that was denied him, hung himself.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “The reason behind your Home In The Little House On The Prairie- reputation is that you are intuitive – thanks to the fact you are ruled by the Moon. Add that to being kind-hearted (as most Cancerians are) and of course you pick up on others’ feelings and then want to nurture those in need! You get to see a passing parade of people through your life, all wanting some TLC.”

“They come over for coffee and a chat with someone who makes them feel safe and you get another chance to Do Your Thing and care for them. Polish that halo. But we also know you have plenty more sides toyour personality.”

Well that last part was right. And if we’re going with the whole Christian view of the afterlife Thing, then we reckon that Mr. Hatcher, busy as he would be shoveling shit in Hades, would not have time to polish anything.

“No matter what your sex, you tend to have loads of female friends, and you mother most of them, just as you also mother your lover.”

Somehow, Mr. Hatcher, the deranged killer going in and out of prison does not strike us as the kind of guy who had a lot of “gal pals”, but we could be wrong.

“Like the Tarot card of The Moon, you’re quite enigmatic. Work it, Cancer, work it! ”

Shares a birthday with: Actress Phoebe Cates, 80s child star Corey Feldman, Shoeless Joe Jackson and Stewart Copeland, the drummer of the Police

LEO (July 22-August 23):

Serial Killer: Anatoly Onoprienko (July 25, 1959)

Killer capsule: Rarely would the phrase “There goes the neighborhood” have been more appropriate then when Anatoly Onoprienko made an appearance.  The Ukrainian mass murderer, with a death count of 60, far surpassing everybody else here would seek out an isolated house, shoot everyone inside it with a hunting rifle, and set the building on fire. Any village local unfortunate enough to get an eyeful of Anatoly doing his dirty work would also be murdered. The carnage became so heavy in one Ukranian village that police cordoned it off. He just moved to another village.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “You CAN be intimidating – do you realise that? Your self-assurance knocks some of the meeker, milder signs off their feet.”

Intimidating? A psychopathic guy with a hunting rifle who will burn down an entire village and slaughter its inhabitants if that’s what it takes to leave no witnesses — you call that intimidating? Darn.

“So how do you do the things you do? With a constant vibrancy and passion enough to start a fire.”

And who said horoscopes always dwelt in the abstract and vagaries?

“So even if you’re not famous yet, use your innate Leo talents to shine like a star wherever you go and whatever you do. You know that you’re just a little bit different and you like it just like that. Never ordinary, always distinctive, Leo leads.”

If you’re talking body count on this list, then yes, Leo leads.

Shares a birthday with: Isaac Asimov, Matt LeBlanc (Joey from Friends), and the model Iman.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22)

Serial Killer: Andrew Cunanan ( born August 31, 1969)

Killer capsule: Best known as the guy who killed Gianni Versace, Cunanan had already made the FBI’s Most Wanted list before he killed the designer. While reports at the time may have suggested that Cunanan was a “master of disguise”, this may have been an attempt to put some healing salve on the egos of the Miami police, as Cunanan spent his time in the city leading up to the Versace killing, walking around out in the open, boogieing down at nightclubs and even signing a pawn ticket in his own name. It is not known if he constructed a giant neon sign at the pawn shop door with an arrow and the words “Arrest this guy before he kills Gianni Versace,” but police didn’t locate him until it was too late.

Astrological Profile Highlights:“Oh to be a discerning Virgo! Everyone goes on about how Virgos are critical, don’t they? Have you heard that one? It’s not that you’re just born critical, it’s that you can’t help noticing what has and hasn’t been done up to scratch.”

That’s right accuse the Virgos of being nags,

“Traditionally your sign represented the women who sorted the grain from the chaff – i.e.: who had to be good at seeing what was worth keeping and what was no use at all. This is where your ability to be – ahem – let’s call it super-discerning comes from. And yes it is a mixed blessing!”

Being that among his murder victims were a legendary fashion designer and a prominent real estate developer — major life accomplishments especially when compared to Cunanan’s mooching and murder — we suspect his grain would have ended up with a whole lot of chaff.

“A few weeks with a Virgo and even the slobbiest person starts to feel healthier in mind, body and spirit!”

Not so much. And we object to the use of the word “slobbiest.”

Shares a Birthday With: Conductor Itzhak Perlman, annoying actor Chris Tucker, and the subject of more gerbil-related jokes than anyone on the planet, Richard Gere.

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO OF OUR PSYCHOPATH ZODIAC RUNDOWN

May 26, 2009 | Pics,celebrities

We will return to regularly scheduled programming shortly, but unlike those PBS pledge drives, we won’t keep you waiting three quarters of an hour for ‘Enchanting Venice: The Queen of the Adriatic’ while mugs and tote bags bearing that name are hawked. These were left on the cutting-room floor as we were compiling our People who Look like Frankenstein post. Stay tuned, and please check out Eastwood, Bukowski and Rickles.