Tags: celebrities, list, reviews, television
April 20, 2009 | celebrities
50 Cent---his utility bill per Kilowatt hour
If you live in a high rise where cigarette butts and syringes line the stairwell, it’s easy to see the appeal of MTV Cribs. For those who aren’t familiar with the show, Cribs offers a celeb-guided tour inside the stately homes of celebrities real (Hulk Hogan) and imagined (Jacoby Shaddix—he was in some band called Papa Roach and has ‘love’ and ‘hate’ tattooed on his hands, which is pretty limiting given the number of four-letter antonyms)
Because it’s Monday and we want to ease you into the working week, here’s an opportunity to make you feel better about your employment prospects and your living situation even if your home does not resemble a Viennese imperial palace and the only German engineering you’re familiar with is when the city bus rolls past your basement apartment. Here then are our Top 7 Things you Won’t Find on MTV Cribs when the celebrity hides all the cocaine in drawers, calls a cab for the half-naked strippers, and invites the producers and cameramen into his entirely un-humble abode.
Books. This does not bode well for us as authors but celebrities don’t read. Their collected holdings would be shamed by the average hospital intensive care ward. Unless they do all their reading on Amazon Kindle, celebrities are clearly not under Gutenberg’s spell (that’s the printing press guy, not the star of Three Men and a Baby and Police Academy, who would not be profiled on Cribs as they don’t do renters unless it’s the Canadian edition). Moby was a standout in that he had an extensive collection of books despite living in a relatively modest New York City apartment, but if you’re distantly related to Herman Mellville you’d be a real ‘dick’ not to have a few first editions lying around.
Food. Much as we expected, celebrities dine out exclusively as the influence of Oprah’s personal chef on her weight has not gone unnoticed in their circles. On Cribs, an open fridge invariably shows an array of sugar-based diet sodas and occasionally booze, so it appears either most celebrities swear off solid foods at home or have personal chefs who are really master mixologists— and have kitchens that are strictly for show or to keep catered food cold for exclusive dinner parties.
We have no idea who this is, but he looks like a test candidate for a higher voltage Taser
Art. We’re not going to include a bronzed self-portrait atop a horse as art, Cupid whizzing Grey Goose into a pool of drunk Koi fish or a guitar hanging on the wall signed by David Geffen. Yes, the phrase “I don’t know much about art but I know what I like”, can be amended to, “I don’t know much about art but can break up the monotony of bare white walls with at least a dozen flat screens instead”.
Fewer than 5 Cars. While Diddy has scaled back—recently complaining that the costs associated with being ferried around on his private jet are taxing his bottom line—terrestrial travel has not been as adversely affected. On Cribs, a garage with airplane hangar-sized doors will house at least 3 Lexus, 2 Maybach Benz models, some sort of SUV that looks like it could drive over landmines in Kandahar and for weekends, a Ferrari for kicking up dust at the state police who can be bought off with an autographed picture, unless you’re Shaun White. [Editor’s note: Who? Other editor’s note: Exactly]
A remark other than “This is where the magic happens”, when the cameras go into the bedroom, the implications of which can be objectionable indeed if we’re talking about Chyna or Boy George (and the only ‘magic’ you’d want to see happen would be a disappearance for anyone unlucky enough to be coerced into bed with either)
A reporter. The only voice you ever hear is the celebrity’s, so there’s never a ’so, this must’ve set you back quite a bit, huh?’, ‘would you mind if I test out your hot-tub?’ or ‘can I use the bathroom? Number 1, I swear.’
A remark other than something convivial when MTV has to leave. The celebrity always says, “it’s time for you to ‘get the hell out of here’ and nearly slams the door in the face of the viewer like they’re trying to sell them centrally installed vacuums or introduce them to Seventh Day Adventism. The celeb really should be saying, ‘thank you for spending your valuable time gazing at my profligate, taste-free abode, that should be segmented into Habitat for Humanity apartments or set fire to for the insurance money.
Here’s a look inside Lil’ Wayne’s crib in New Orleans. Warning: never will you see anyone so dismissive of 30 grand worth of kitchen granite
I don’t think you find any sign of the house is actually being lived in either.
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IF YOU DON’T KNOW ME DON’T JUDGE ME.
50 CENT YOU ARE MY FAVORITE ARTIST I NEVER SEEN BEFORE.