April 17, 2009 | Mad Science

Authors of a controversial study published in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health offered some good news to pregnant women who may want to continue on in the lifestyle that got them in that condition in the first place when they said that it might be OK for expectant mothers to binge drink on occasion without harming their unborn.

This goes against orthodox thinking on the subject and will come as a surprise to those who have lost major points with the missus when suggesting during a lull in Lamaze class that everybody repair to the local bar because “this is all just a big money-grab anyway”.

But before you and your mates and a yummy mummy of your acquaintance toast the baby by gently tapping the outside of the womb with your can of Michelob Light and rubbing it for luck, keep in mind that the study was limited to the effects of the occasional binge enjoyed by someone who was not a chronic alcoholic. A number of studies have linked heavy drinking during pregnancy to stunted growth, birth defects and abnormal neural development – in short, the conditions that plague the starting line-up of your company’s softball team.

After an examination of thousands of research papers and more brow-furrowing than goes on at the cue-card prepping session at the Miss World pageant, the study’s authors concluded that there was almost no conclusive evidence linking binge drinking, which they pegged at five drinks in one session (low, but we’ll let it pass given the context) and such birth maladies as fetal alcohol syndrome.

The study did find a minor connection between a mother binge drinking and the issue of her loins ending up with a lower verbal IQ, learning problems, a predilection towards delinquency, and – pure speculation on our part here – an increased likelihood that PTA mailings concerning the child’s schooling will need to be delivered to the neighborhood pub.

For those of you who take your medical advice from us – not recommended, though we will gladly dispense with recommendations on patent medicines that can treat all sorts of ailments – the study was inconclusive and its authors recommended that women not binge drink “just to be safe”. [That said, the authors also say that those who do go out to tilt the odd half-dozen in celebration of the blessed event, or to drown their sorrows as they bemoan how unreliable birth control is, should not feel too bad because as of right now the evidence is minimal that it will do any harm.]

The new book “Preggatinis: Mixology for the Mom-to-Be”, should come as welcome news to those for whom the prospect of 9 dry months is a less than compelling proposition.  Author Natalie Bovis-Nelsen offers an array of ‘mocktails’ (so named because they’re easy to make fun of in every context other than during pregnancy) for the mom-to-be.

According to a Washington Post source, “Preggatinis” presents drinks for those preparing to be pregnant (think milk thistle and antioxidants such as blueberries) and for combating morning sickness (Editor’s note: which presumably also work for the non-pregnant binge drinker).

Now you can say with conviction, “Make it a double, she’s drinking for two!”