April 29, 2009 | lists

As we noted in Part I of this list, the clock is ticking on several occupations—actually, in this digital age, clocks no longer tick and if you work in a factory that produces ticking clocks, well you’re about to get a whole bunch of flashing midnights on all your digital equipment… The point is some occupations, such as travel agent and postal worker, have been increasingly replaced by hitting ‘enter’ on your keyboard, while others have also seen their numbers dwindle as more people go online to do things other than dating groups for those who have been struck by lightning (real estate agents should be looking over their shoulder pads).

Postcards, which don’t arrive until well after your plane has touched down, might fill their bags in the winter months, but with more people affixing ‘no junk mail’ notices to their doors, it’s unlikely those ‘free delivery with orders over $20’ pamphlets will be able to sustain the postal profession.

This is too bad, because they’ve contributed much to pop culture and their absence will be surely missed. In the future when someone shoots up a bunch of strangers, we’ll have to say he went “deranged, socially ostracized teenager who plays too many video games”, instead of “he went postal”, and it doesn’t have the same ring. And besides, the brown coveralls and shorts of the UPS guy are no match for the jaunty cap and smile. Here, we doff our caps to the contented mailman whose mail slot reflexes are tested every time a pit bull answers the door, who brave not only rain sleet and snow but the occasional hail of bullets trudging through crummy neighborhoods and whose contributions often go unnoticed when they’re not being made fun of in list form. Here are the first five in our Top 10 Pop Culture Postal Workers.

5. Postman Pat. Aimed at preschoolers (a demographic ten years younger than those who might find King of Queens funny), this animated classic focuses on the exploits of the eponymous character, with his red van and black and white cat in the English village of Greendale (not to be confused with the confusing Neil Young rock opera of the same name). The show has graced HBO, NBC, BBC, airs in over 20 countries and 12 million books have been sold. It’s fitting that the series employs ‘stop motion’ techniques, as there are few professions so slow-moving that an illusion of movement has to be created.

4. The Son of Sam, serial killer David Berkowitz. Immortalized in the movie Summer of Sam, which does for Italian Americans what mustaches, mozzarella and organ grinders did for them in the early days of cinema, the movie features the Spike Lee Joint stock-in-trade: at least 80 key characters, running length of well over two hours and cinematography grainier than 80s porno. David Berkowitz was an NYC postal worker at the time of his arrest, so it’s not too big a stretch that he thought dogs were possessed by the devil.

“If he had not been a serial killer,” a New York Times reporter masquerading as a high school guidance counselor stated, “Mr. Berkowitz said he probably would have ended up ‘married with a wife and kids in the suburbs, making a living, working in the post office.’

3. Charles Bukowski. The Poet Laureate of Skid Row was a mail sorter for the US Postal Service in LA, and the novel that put him on the map, Post Office begins with a less than kind summation of his experience there:

“It began as a mistake. It was Christmas season and I learned from the drunk up on the hill, who did the trick every Christmas, that they would hire damned near anybody.”

Along with postal sorting system that would confuse that computer they always get to play major chess players, terrible working conditions, and the threat of constant mauling, Bukowski also apparently had it worse than his others, taking shifts when crap weather kept others at home: “Reporting time was 5am and I was the only drunk there. I always drank until past midnight, and there we’d sit, at 5am, waiting to get on the clock, waiting for some regular to call in sick. The regulars usually called in sick when it rained or during a heatwave or the day after a holiday when the mail load was doubled.”

2. Newman, Seinfeld (as portrayed by Wayne Knight). Seinfeld’s un-neighborly nemesis, Newman was also apparently a co-worker of David Berkowitz. Newman’s workplace contributions included paying someone to work his route, routinely taking sick days (especially during precipitation) , and withholding the mail as a form of blackmail. Lazy, scheming, and out of shape despite the legwork required, Newman, apparently responsible for several federal crimes in his deportment of his duties,  compares delivering 50% of the mail to running a three-minute mile and is known for his Marshall McLuhan-esque declaration:

“When you control the mail, you control … information.”

1. Cliff Clavin, Cheers (as portrayed by John Ratzenberger).  The quintessential bar bore, Cliff’s usually misleading or entirely inaccurate utterances were always prefaced with “it’s a little known fact that” and then followed by “the harp is a precursor the modern guitar. It seems the minstrels were very large people” or “the ancient pyramids were actually the first postal depots.” Cliff Clavin did more for negative portrayals of the occupation than anyone on this list, which is saying something in that we’ve included a serial killer. In one episode, as a practical joke, a chimp dressed in US Postal Service garb delivers the mail in his stead. In other episodes, Clavin, a virginal mailman who lives with his mom, pitches awful late night TV monologue jokes, loses all his winnings on Jeopardy! with his infamous final round “Who are people who haven’t been in my kitchen?” and tries to garner interest in a presidential-looking rutabaga. To show his dedication to the trade, Clavin passed on marrying the love of his life in one episode because that would have entailed moving up north, and working for — terror of terrors — Canada Post. His occupation was mined for more comic material than the equivalent of about 4 postings here, and for this reason, the mustachioed mail carrier lands in our number one mail slot.

April 27, 2009 | lists

The current economic shitstorm means sitting down to breakfast every morning, opening the newspaper and reading how the industry in which you work is in as much trouble as the soon-to-be defunct newspaper you’re holding.

If you’re lucky, it’s just a salary cut so that your company can continue to afford that finely quilted toilet paper in the executive shitter while you decide between a bus pass or cable television. If you’re not so lucky your job falls under the “Would have been obsolete anyway, the economy just brought the wolves to the door faster” category. Postal worker is one such job.

Back in the days when a person would sit down and write a longer letter to cousin Edgar inquiring in code about his suspected syphilis infection, or when a messenger under cover of darkness, would inform the townspeople that they would soon become musket fodder if they didn’t read and sign the fine print, mailmen were vital.

Today though, you can email cousin Edgar the Google Map to a good walk-in clinic and with a decent unlimited daily minutes plan, Paul Revere’s ilk these days only live on through messenger bags or MSN.

The US Postal service is on the ropes and unlike Muhammad Ali in his prime, no rope-a-dope strategy is forthcoming. It seems the happy mailman’s days are numbered–– after all, distributing junk mail, coupon books and catalogs to people under house arrest is now the only thing that would fall under a list of vital services in these recessionary times.

They are on their way out despite having delivered more Christmas cash than they stole through sun, shine, snow, rain and the occasional German Shepherd giving that blood pressure medication a run for its money. We have fond – or at least agreeably non-existent – memories of the mail carriers of our youths. Those kids who when walking their dogs would dump the plastic bag of shit into the nearest mailbox to save having to carry it home should be ashamed of themselves.

As a tribute to postal carriers for the stamps they have placed on our hearts, which are actually in PO boxes in a suburban warehouse, we offer our Top 10 Pop Culture Mailmen! [CLICK HERE FOR TOP 5]

10. Charlie Utter (played by Dayton Callie on Deadwood): Not much mail got delivered in the Old West due to logistical bugaboos such as ponies becoming bobcat munch, run-ins with brigands and hostile natives or Montezuma’s Revenge settling in after a dinner of campfire chili. Charlie Utter did actually exist in the mud and syphilis paradise of Deadwood, though according to Wiki “he is reported as being extremely meticulous in his appearance … [with] long, flowing blond hair and mustache, perfectly groomed, wore hand-tailored fringed buckskins, fine linen shirts, beaded moccasins, and a large silver belt buckle, and carried a pair of gold, silver, and pearl ornamented pistols.” This is about a world apart from the portrayal of the character given by Dayton Callie, who would be a shoe-in for the role of Bleeding Gums Murphy should The Simpsons ever do a live-action feature.

9. Mr. McFeely (played by David Newell): The most inappropriately named character in the history of children’s television, Mr McFeely was Mr Rogers’ sidekick whose vocational credibility was immediately called into question with his “speedy delivery” catchphrase, a concept as anathema to the postal service as “fine dining experience” is to one of those steak joints that gives you an 80 ouncer free if you manage to keep it down. Dave Newell once said “Working with Fred Rogers was like receiving a master’s degree in child development”, which means that you’ve either blown 2 years and 20 grand on tuition for a low-paying job overseeing nap time, or it was an invaluable learning experience, we’re not sure.

8. The Postman in the Marvelletes song “Please, Mr. Postman”: Prior to email you had to wait for the mail carrier to do things like deliver romance novel rejection letters and ready-to-burn military draft notices. Mailmen also delivered their far share of love letters and notices from that special someone that she’s out on the high seas sharing the cabin of a Puerto Rican sailor she met on Wing Night at the local Stop N’ Gobble. In the Marvelletes song the mailman has his by a woman whose significant other has obviously done a runner. “Please, Mister Postman, look and see/Is there a letter, oh, yeah
In your bag for me/You know it’s been so long/Yes, since I’ve heard from/This boyfriend of mine” The boyfriend is likely in a different time zone — feet given wings perhaps by a pregnancy test coming back the wrong way — and the mailman is left to have to deal with his distraught ex.

7. Founding Father /  Presidential Postmen: Presumably due to a high turnover caused by the onset of madness, postal service jobs have in the past been plentiful and this might explain why so many accomplished people have become mailmen like John Prine, William Faulkner, and even Bill Nye, you know, the Science Guy. In a bit of trivia that’s presumably brought up any time a mailman needs a morale boost, the postal service can also count among its historical ranks American presidents. Honest Abe delivered the mail (he also could have been an arse-handing-out pro-wrestling champ had he wanted to be) as did Truman and McKinley. Ben Franklin was an author, printer, satirist, politician, scientist, activist, statesman, inventor, and once bowled a 200 game (the details of which need further corroboration). What is less disputed was that he was named postmaster for the city of Brotherly Love.

6. The guy in Il Postino (the Postman). A simpleton postal worker learns to love poetry while delivering the mail to a famous poet— not to be confused with the Kevin Costner ‘Postman’, where an audience learns to loath movie making after sitting through it. Il Postino inspires anyone who’s ever tried to win the heart of a girl with their heartfelt scribblings and not been rebuffed by restraining order.

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO!!!!!!

April 24, 2009 | lists

Professional psychics haven’t monopolized preying on people’s insecurities or personal and professional incompetency—whether it’s discovering your own inner child, how to be a stronger, better alcoholic, or how to get confident, stupid!—there’s always a smiling rent-a-friend inspirational speaker, a basketful of catchphrases at the ready, telling you how to seize the ring not found at the bottom of a Cheerios box.

In Part I of our list, we tried to offer a sampling of the different types of motivational speakers, covering the ‘how to succeed in business?’ angle from a guy whose answer to this question is “Duh? Marry Oprah!”,  an ex-wrestler fitness guru who extols the virtues of hard work (and that from a guy who would remain unknown had he not been a walking steroid in the early 1990s) and someone who believes turning on a stove can kill—not when it’s packed with explosive or in a gas-filled room, but by depleting the nutrients in your food. In Part II, we are taking a moment (breathe deeply, but not so much that you’ll get light-headed) to turn to more conventional carpe temporis punctum types.

5. Deepak Chopra. Madonna counts herself a Chopra devotees. This, despite contradicting, at least from the neck up, her guru’s “you can tell your body not to age” notion. The late Michael Jackson was a fan as well.

 [Here's a brief, Michael Jackson joke interlude that worked better when he was alive: Why isn't Michael Jackson a motivational speaker? Because he's already been inner child]

Chopra is, according to critic Richard Dawkins—a “one man alternative health industry”, worth $75,000 per lecture (!) at which he dispenses vagaries that would blow the mind of your average hacky sacker in a sarong: “When you get to the primal state of the universe, what is it? A universal field that encloses all matter and energy. This field is everywhere, but it also localizes itself.” Being much brighter and more accomplished than anyone else here, doesn’t mean he isn’t more than deserving of a spot in our Top 5. His pompous The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams certainly merits his inclusion. In it, the good doctor postulates “The only difference between you and a tree is the informational and energy content of your respective bodies.” One of the similarities between The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success and a tree is that a small forest was felled to publish this hokum.  But he doesn’t stop there.  He claims in “Return of the Rishi” (we preferred the sequel, Too Rishi’s Too Furious) that meditators can levitate. A chapter in that book describes how he personally experienced “lifting off,” which he calls “the first threshold in yogic flying”, which, if successful, will redefine our current understanding of yogic flying: a bunch of middle aged losers with pony tails hopping along the floor in their underwear. His book, meanwhile, did achieve lift-off — out the window of many a thinking-person’s place of residence.

4. Esther and Jerry Hicks. Authors of the Laws of Attraction, these Hicks tap into a notion of ‘infinite intelligence’, immediately contradicted by the following: “Don’t continually harass yourself into misalignment of what’s already in your vibrational escrow.”[Editor's note: Consider it done!] And later, “the majority of people…are not accustomed to focusing on the vibrational world,” at least those who haven’t had a pair of suspenders snapped against their chests or are familiar with the intricacies of tuning a guitar.

3. Jeff Davidson. “When you practice the sweet and gentle art of doing one thing at a time, you get your best results!!! The world…slows….down. You can’t jump on your horse and ride in all directions.” Now, there is nothing particularly annoying about Davidson himself, but he’s a surrogate for the multitude of ‘slow down and take stock of your life’ anti-multi tasking types (one of us is spinning a basketball on a finger as we write this), who are indistinguishable from one another —or maybe they wouldn’t be if we slowed down to take a more protracted…careful…nuanced….assessment of each of them. We can’t, as we have others like Tony Robbins to take to task.

2. Dan Millman. Millman, is the creator of Way of the Peaceful Warrior (because if there’s one thing that’s made warriors successful throughout history, it’s that trait of ‘being peaceful’) and the man behind the dictum that “life continues to come to us in waves”, but who unfortunately doesn’t have his podium set up on a beach when there’s a tsunami warning. According to an Amazon review, which saves us a half-hour of skimming through it, Way of the Peaceful Warrior is “Purely palliative, useless, and deadly dull”.

Another gem from this party-planner extraordinaire, Millman: “I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything.. at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.” One thing can be said about Millman: There is no better way of emptying your mind, than by turning to his teachings.

1. Anthony Robbins. Author of ‘Awaken the Giant Within’, made that much easier if you’re 6’7 and not built horizontally, Robbins is  the giant-toothed face of the get happy movement offering pearly white wisdom like “If you’re running east looking for a sunset, you’ve got a problem” and “It’s important to have the best mentor…..so you don’t get stuck in the desert when you’re looking for the ocean, you know, metaphorically” (good thing he made that distinction, so you’re not confused into thinking you need a Bedouin surfer mentor). “Why reinvent the wheel? Success leaves clues!” and later. “All the tools I’ve come up with…the foundation came, standing on the shoulders of other giants“. That this twit would paraphrase Sir Isaac Newton like that, is testament to his giant ego within and cements his place at #1.