March 23, 2009 | lists
If you’ve just beaten an Oxycontin rap, your wife or a personal ‘Rock ‘N’ Bowl best, you’ve probably got a closet full of these suds duds already. For everyone else, here are a few beer-themed sartorial choices that you can run by the missus as she lights a Vantage Ultra Light off the propane barbecue and risks causing upwards of $1300 in property damage from the ensuing blaze.
Now, we’ve chronicled all kinds of drunken exploits in our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, from leaping into a stark and stingray-filled aquarium drunk on a bet (the title story) to trying to beat a DUI rap by handing the cops ID belonging to a guy with a glass eye and hoping they wouldn’t notice. Our guess is, the type of person who’d get up to such hijinks would undoubtedly have a drawer filled with garments like the couture we’re showcasing here that the wife would most certainly try and shrink, dye pink in the wash or sneak off to a church clothing drive when her man is out of town.
For a night on the town blinding a biker with your pool cue’s butt end, beating the snot out of an ice machine at the witness protection motel, and kicking up dust at the state police, nothing says ‘I’m not to be messed with‘ like a good ol’:
1. Classic Beer T or Tank Top. If you’re the adventurous type, it comes complete with double entendre seen here, left. 
How do you establish territorial boundaries and also alert people to the fact that your name is Dick, and you drink beer? The answer is right here, though technically the T would make more sense if it were on the actual beer, like a beer cosy perhaps. If you receive this as a gift and your name is not Dick, it’s probably best that you reconsider the nature of your association with the person doing the giving. To the right, we have the kind of T-shirt that is a must for anyone who has ever worked out for longer than one week. What use is having the big guns unless you wear one of these to show them off? There is no point in lifting weights, or even in breaking a sweat, unless you have the kind of clothing that can reveal your efforts to the outside world.
[Fashion Suggestion: Best paired with an undergarment of some kind, though for the girl who is looking for instant popularity this is completely optional.]
2. The Coors Draw String Pant.
Elegant, stylish, these are words that are never mentioned in conjunction with this item. A comfy expandable elastic waistband, means you’re limited only by how many negative triglycerides readings come back from the lab that you choose to ignore before that tingling sensation in your arm gets too worrisome.
[Fashion Suggestion: Pair with a sleeveless Stone Cold Steve Austin 3:16 T, Crocs, a frog/fish doing something sexually suggestive tank top or bare-chested if you have errands to run, drive a jeep or have amassed a sizable weapons cache in the woods]
3. The Beer Belly Pouch.
Best accessorized with a Corona Draw String Pant if you’re asymptomatic after that gastric bypass and given doctor’s clearance to drink. With specs including an 80 ounce capacity and able to accommodate up to a 40-inch waistline, this product will fit at least one third of the target demographic, the rest of whom will have to sling it around a thigh. For similar products, please see our reviews of the Remote Control Beer Pager and Portable Rocket Pack Beer Cooler.
[Fashion Suggestion: For special occasions like staff meetings, sales presentations, wear a collared buttoned shirt over top, feed the drinking tube through the sleeve and surreptitiously sip from the wrist. This only applies if you're not the one conducting either meeting]
4. Budweiser Tie.
For more official gatherings, like say the christening of the neighbor’s riding mower, the burying of a beloved family pet you accidentally shot in the yard or a sentencing hearing, you can get the gavel banger to chuckle at your official Budweiser Tie before sending you straight up the river without a raft. Whether such bold haberdashery really constitutes throwing yourself on the mercy of the court, is up to legal interpretation of the, “I love you man” sentiment that varies state to state.
5. Corona Bikini Top / King of Beers One-piece
For a more tasteful statement, such as a backyard grill-off where the neighbor’s leering nephews are present, here’s a Bud one-piece, right. For wrestling in wet lettuce/impromptu Playboy Mansion badminton, to the left is a sassier version once those same kids turn 17. [Corrupting a minor charges vary according to state]
6. The ‘Got Beer?’ Combination Belt/Bottle Opener.
Who says style can’t be functional? Why compromise the integrity of those molar fillings as as this versatile product will pop open bottles, hold up your pants, and if a rumble breaks out, you’re an arm and a 38 waist’s length away from being able to reach out and flog someone.
7. Miller Lite Thong.
This item answers ‘yes’ to the question ‘do you floss?’ even if dental care is a distant priority. Floss that ‘junk in your trunk’ and show your significant other that your tastes in the boudoir correspond to the case of junk you just stashed in the trunk.
8. Budweiser Beer Hat.
Protect yourself from UV radiation, skin damage, good taste and the company of womenfolk with this bona fide Budweiser Beer Hat. Also, prevent sustaining any further head injury of the type that would result in the decision to sport this anywhere beyond the backyard (where it should only be donned if there is a sufficiently tall hedge) or the local laughing academy, where unfortunately, all such beverages would immediately be confiscated. Please see our Top 10 Ways to Improve Baseball, which should have included this item. 
9. St Paddy’s Beer Socks.
Celebrate St Patrick’s Day all year round with St Paddy’s Day Commemorative Socks. I don’t know about you, but we feel green just looking at them. [Fashion Suggestion: Green and yellow socks will clash with each and every item of clothing you own that's not duck-hunting camouflage. Since they clash with everything, perversely, one could argue they go with everything]
10. Pints of Beer Cuff Links.
For your first time wearing cuff links, take your cue from the tone of the event you’re to attend and what others will be wearing. If those people are completely and wholly unreliable, create a stir with your very own Pints of Beer Cuff Links [Fashion Suggestion: Wow the VIP section of your local Tough Man Contest with these beauties]
[...] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptIf you’ve just beaten an Oxycontin rap, your wife or a personal ‘Rock ‘N’ Bowl best, you’ve probably got a closet full of these suds duds already. For everyone else, here are a few beer-themed sartorial choices that you can run by the missus as she lights a Vantage Ultra Light off the propane barbecue and risks causing upwards of $1300 in property damage from the ensuing blaze. Now, we’ve chronicled all kinds of drunken exploits in our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True [...]
Wait. Is this one of those things that are funny because you say these things are lame but in actual fact people are all totoally well aware that they are awesome? Because if not, well — you lost me. CHEERS!
You’re right Canucklehead, these things are in fact terrifying in their awesomeness.
Actually this one was an easy one to write as we each just emptied out our closets for it.
Mr. Boivin used to wear the Beer Belly Pouch to high school!