Tags: celebrities, funny, list, songs, Top 20
March 12, 2009 | celebrities
You may not have guessed this, but we’re the kind of guys who simply CANNOT get enough celebrity news. We were bottle-fed Mary Hart and John Tesh (his groundbreaking entertainment reportage, not his, for lack of a better word, music career).
So, obviously Chris Brown and Rihanna are figures of colossal importance in our lives.
And… really.. our prayers are with Chris Brown. Why should such an accomplished R&B star, whose career has spanned the better part of several glorious minutes, be forced to apologize for giving one in the mush to that Rihanna? Like, did you see what she was wearing in those TMZ pics? I mean if the fashion police were operating under martial law, the punishment would have been far more severe.
[PAUSE As someone smacks The Shark Guy writing this – a vicious shot, straight in the MUSH]
Chris Brown is half a foot shorter than an elf.
Oooh… Ahem… (Fillings cost money)…. Back to senses. We realize this makes the Michael Jackson molestation trial seem staggering in its gravity and import. Here we have Rihanna, setting what has to be a great example for all teens with a chucklehead boyfriend who smacks his girlfriend because he has a Napoleonic complex, and he’s too dumb to be a French general. Then there is said chucklehead who comforted a stunned nation by saying he was seeking counseling from his pastor – rather than seeking professional help or taking on someone his own size, though that might involve a violence incident with a miniature Schnauzer.
While fans were too traumatized to run up their parents’ bills by calling friends to talk about it, producer Polow Da Don saw a dollar to be made. He thought the embattled pair should sing out their troubles, looked in his catalog and found a song that Rihanna had yet to sing on her own, but that could be more comfortably converted to a duet than “My name is Rihanna and I always sing alone, because I’m the more talented half”.
Polow Da Don: What does your dead grandma's name rhyme with? Wanna make a million?
The callousness of Polow Da Don and the fact he’s a slimier bugger than the FX-generated goblin of the Ghostbusters’ movie could stand to contemplate, the media still went with his framing of the episode. He had the “embattled pair” sing and then (we’re guessing here, no libel suits please) had some intern call up the newspapers and provide the following from a “source” inside the studio who said the vibe in the studio was “very, very emotional … the feeling in the room was pure love.” Polow focused on those magic moments rather than that Grammy Eve when Assault and Battery Brown slapped Rihanna and bit her finger and nose.
We’re not religious but we would like to minister to the troubled pair in their hour of need. Like Polow Da Don, we know a goldmine when we see one all beat up and we want to dig.
Duets are the way forward for Rihanna and A&B Brown, and as we showed in our Top 10 Karaoke Duets, there are plenty to choose from. (If you want to see what can happen to you if you chance an offbeat note during a karaoke session in North America or Asia, click here). We will resist any temptation to insert the word “slap” before the penultimate word of this sentence: We wish all the best for the happy couple.
And in the spirit of being generous, here are our 10 Duet songs that Chris Brown and Rihanna shouldn’t perform even under duress, such as the duress A&B Brown puts Rihanna under when it’s Grammy night and he’s accomplished less than the grand finalist on the 1980s Ed McMachon-hosted Star Search.
10. I got You Babe Sonny & Cher
9. To all the Girls I’ve Loved Before Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias
8. Black And Blue Barry Manilow and Phyllis Hyman
7. What Have I done to Deserve This? Pet Shop Boys Dusty Springfield
6. This Mess We’re In PJ Harvey & Thom Yorke
5. Love Hurts Gram Parsons & Emmylou Harris
4. Cryin’ KD Lang and Roy Orbison
3. Why Don’t We Just Sleep On It Tonight? Glen Campbell & Tanya Tucker
2. Act Naturally Buck Owens & Ringo Starr
1. Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves Aretha Franklin & Annie Lennox
[Editor's Note: This story is being decided in the courts. No matter. As Wood Allen said, "Always go for the joke and hope for the best." Of course he also said, "Occasionally send inappropriate glances in the general direction of your nubile adopted daughter"."
[...] by gingerman17 [link] [0 [...]
How about Crazy in Love (Beyonce & JayZ)or
I Never Had It So Good (Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge)? Great post. Thanks
Heey wats up chris I feel like you had the right to put your hands on her because I feel like if she was bad to hit you she was bad to get hit back because I feel like if someone hit you you should hit them back because you never know what are going threw people’s minds these days. So no matter wat just keep your head up bacause im behind you 100% nomatter wat she say’s and tell dat bitch that I said Hood Sexy said fuck her and dat she is just lieing so dat she can get all your money.
hiiiiiii rihanna i love u voce and u song bet i wish u b with chris