March 30, 2009 | lists, music

Most songwriters will at some point pen an ode to the place that gave them the early inspiration to pursue a career in music — i.e. the taunts of jocks or the realization that guys who can play guitar stand a better chance of getting laid than even the most advanced Dungeons and Dragons master.

As Spinal Tap made clear, few things can rouse a crowd out of a beer stupor more effectively than shouting out “Hello ___ [insert name of podunk town here]” and if you can actually work a place name into your song, then you have a sentimental favorite that will last as long as there are DJs picking songs who have not gone beyond a 50-kilometre radius of their birth homes in their entire lives.

Something appeals about state songs — Shark Guy Noel is still looking for the right chanteuse to get behind his St. Catharines, Ontario-inspired toe-tapper, “Pardon My Garden City”.  There is mileage to be had out of the state song whether it is coopted as part of a state tourism campaign or used in an ironic, mocking way by some smart-ased filmmaker exorcising the demons of his teenage years. In Part One of Our US State Song list, we brought you from Alaska to Mississippi, hope you weren’t stung by anything too horrific on that trip, and today it’s the more boring sounding trip of Missouri to Wyoming.Here is Part Two of Our Rundown of Songs for Every State!

Missouri: Missouri Moon, Rhonda Vincent. Across the Wide Missouri, Weavers. Rejected license plate slogan: Missouri Loves Company. One of the best movies ever set in Missouri, (though admittedly, this is a list about as long as your arm if you fell asleep during workplace safety classes at the saw mill) is Roadhouse. This movie we feel, gives us a fairly accurate representation of what it must be like to live in the state when you cannot pay your bar tab.

Montana: Montana Skies, John Denver. Montana, Frank Zappa. Stephen Colbert would not like Montana, home to the largest grizzly bear population in the lower 48 states (In Alaska, they drive cars and can vote in municipal elections). Montana did not fare too well in the state song sweepstakes with these two. We guess all that wide open space can drive a man to think some crazy things, as evidenced in Zappa’s “Montana”, which he calls the perfect place to… uh… grow a crop of dental floss. The song does however have the distinction of offering the strangest ever reference to wrangling in a song: “With a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers in my hand/every other wrangler would say I was mighty grand.”

Nebraska: Nebraska, Bruce Sprinsteen. Nick Nolte, Marlon Brando, Fred Astaire and Montgomery Clift were born in Omaha, which is also the subject of an awful Counting Crows song. These random births in a little-heard-of state have whatever significance you may attach to them — in our case that is no significance whatsoever. But they were born there, unless someone edits Wikipedia within the hour you’re reading this and proves us wrong.

New Jersey: Jersey Girl, Tom Waits. New Jersey is my Home, Bruce Springsteen. New Jersey is consistently referred to as the Armpit of America, and who are we to judge having only been to Jersey City, Newark…er…as far as ‘judgability’ goes, we could probably be given a gavel and robe. On the plus side (the New York side), we hear Hoboken is nice and nowhere near the place Frank Sinatra refused to acknowledge as his home town. Here’s a list of 5 Reasons Not to Move to New Jersey.

Nevada: Sands of Nevada, Mark Knopfler. Stop in Nevada, Billy Joel. The name Nevada means ’snow covered’ in Spanish and ‘brothel’ in Esperanto. Both of these are right on the money in their own way. Knopfler’s gambler’s lament tells of a pain felt by many visitors of Nevada, the unofficial state motto of which is, “Supporting children — the government can always help you out.”

New Hampshire: New Hampshire, Sonic Youth. Ten points to the first person who can explain to us what the hell Sonic Youth is going on about in this song. New Hampshire is a lovely place — one of us visited stately Mt. Washington and has the “This car climbed Mt. Washington” bumper sticker (mint condition) to prove it — but few things rhyme with Hampshire and this state hasn’t exactly inspired a musical treasure trove.

New Mexico: New Mexico, Johnny Cash. Taos, New Mexico, Waylon Jennings. Cash’s song is unlikely to feature at state sporting events or beauty pageants. Here’s the ending: To all you happy people/This much I have to say/Go back to your friends and loved ones/Tell others not to go/To the god forsaken country/They call New Mexico

New York: New York New York, Frank Sinatra. New York State Police, UK Subs. Old Jersey Frankie might have been singing about NYC, but an exception will suffice — after all, it’s the city so nice they named it twice. As Ontario residents, we have yet to hear a good song about cross-border pillaging when currency fluctuations allow… we may just pen such a ditty ourselves.

North Carolina: Charlotte’s in NC, Colonel Keith Whitley. Just a little bit South of North Carolina, Dean Martin.  The pride of Sandy Hook, Kentucky (no mean feat as the second set of traffic lights erected swells many a chest), Colonel Keith Whitley, and from one rat-packer to another, Dean Martin subtly mocks the arbitrary creation of two states when one really big one would suffice with this subversive tune

North Dakota: North Dakota, Lyle Lovett. Another state that wants to think it’s Germany before the Berlin Wall came down. When Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett, it was a weirder romantic match than Celine Dion and that creepy svengali she hooked up with at an age that would have even Woody Allen say, ‘Meh, she should have a few miles on her first’. Still, Lyle is a great talent, and while the same cannot be said for his ex-wife, we wish her all the best and hope she makes a movie one day that doesn’t remind us in graphic and immediate fashion of what we had for breakfast.

Ohio: Ohio, CSNY. Look at Miss Ohio, Gillian Welch. As young fellas, we joined a couple of buddies and made a lemon out of a rental car by putting 3,800 kilometres on it on a road trip from Toronto to New Orleans. We stopped in Ohio, where the snow made it look like Canada, and caught the wonder of Mansfield’s Denny’s in a blizzard. We also saw John Lennon’s broken death glasses at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and one of Bono’s creepy, small-sized stage costumes,  and later we remarked that Cincy looked nice from the bridge. Such is our knowledge of Ohio. And for those who want to follow Gillian’s advice and look at Miss Ohio, well she’s on the left.

Oklahoma: Oklahoma. Oklahoma Borderline, Vince Gill. Okie from Muskogee inspired Asshole from El Paso. And anybody who has ever watched a Broadway musical and thought “That could have used more chaps,” will enjoy this one. The Shark Guys wrote a song for a revival of this musical called “Idle Thoughts of a Singing Shit-Kicker”, but, sadly, it was rejected.

Oregon: Portland, Oregon, Jack White Loretta Lynn. Jack White’s band, The White Stripes always wear, black, red and white, “the most powerful color combination of all time, from a Coca-Cola can to a Nazi banner” and for some reason this makes sense coming from Mr White, a former upholsterer. This song doesn’t have a whole lot to do with Oregon as you can get shamelessly drunk and sleep with a stranger in any state of the union — though watch what laws you’re violating in Utah — such is the beauty of cheap booze. “Next day we knew last night got drunk/But we loved enough for the both of us/In the morning when the night had sobered up/It was much too late for the both of us in Oregon.” That might be the best defence of drunk sex we’ve ever read “loved enough for the both of us”. Must be all those great microbrews they have in Oregon.

Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania 6-5000, Brian Setzer, Pennsylvania, Bloodhound Gang. Pennsylvania is home to three much-maligned cities, Scranton (because of the good, but not as good as the UK version of The Office), Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, but Steeltown is Shitsburgh no more and Philly is the kind of place where it’s fun to get silly. We’re in a rhyming mood today, what of it?  Here we offer you two songs from different hemispheres of the musical globe. First person to inform us what a wawa is gets 10 points.

Rhode Island: Road to Rhode Island, as heard on Family Guy. Family Guy undoubtedly is a comedic fart in the wind compared to the Simpsons’… chronic gastro-intestinal condition of animated situation comedy? Not as well written or heartfelt as the Simpsons in its heyday, but pretty good nonetheless at least in the “throw as many jokes at the viewer even if the majority don’t stick”, school of comedy, here is a musical number on the Griffin family’s home state.

South Carolina: Cocaine Carolina, Johnny Cash and David Allan Coe. South Carolina, Archers of Loaf. We won’t get into the whole why North/South state divisions will be banned in the new order, but South Carolina did get recognized in these two songs. Cocaine Carolina features the amazing lyric: “Feeling like my belly was a warehouse for the blues.” For those of you interested in reading our list of our fave Cocaine Songs, click here

South Dakota: South Dakota, Liz Phair. South Dakota Morning, Bee Gees: One of these songs is filled with the angst of telling off big city folk without mincing words, and the other one is something that a poncey git wrote down when he saw an eagle fly above him while out on the patio in some godforsaken South Dakota backwater. Lyrics from the first: “Born in South Dakota /Hey, we’re going to a rodeo town/I’m gonna get drunk and fuck some cows/Hey all you city fucks, it’s a praireman’s world.” Lyrics from the second song: “The eagle flies on a South Dakota morning/And I don’t see my eagle anymore/Now stranger, I must kill you/You must survive, but will you.” The Bee Gees are only slight less threatening than bakery icing, so we’ll go with Liz Phair for giving the better tribute to the state that is still home to Deadwood, wellspring of the best damn television series in the history of the medium. Deadwood that is.

Tennessee: Tennessee Stud, Jimmie Driftwood as performed by Doc Watson. Lebanon, Tennessee, Ron Sexsmith. The Mercy Lounge in Cannery Row, Nashville, is one of the greatest live music venues you’ll ever come across, and this is in a city that boasts the Grand Old Opry and the Ryman Auditorium. Lucky bastards. Tennessee Stud is a travelling tale, telling of horses won on bets and a lonesome cowboy travelling back to Tennessee to find his true love (and he also matches up his horse with his woman’s, which is damned convenient. He describes his hurdles getting back: We loped on back across Arkansas/
I whipped her brother and I whipped her pa/I found that girl with the golden hair/And she was ridin’ on a Tennessee mare.

Texas: T for Texas, Jimmie Rodgers. Texas Flood, SRV. Luckenbach Texas, Waylon Jennings. On that southern road trip many moons ago, we pulled into Meridian, Mississippi to find a greasy spoon and fortuitously happened upon the birthplace of the brilliant Jimmie Rodgers, who noted in this tune, that T is for Texas. We defaced something in the park there and moved on.

Utah: Red Hills of Utah, Marty Robbins. History of Utah, Camper Van Beethoven. Marty Robbins might be a prophet of the Mormon faith, for he doth spake:”If it’s just like my dreams/Then I must go and see/For the red hills of Utah are callin’ me”. Good gawd, just what that state needs.

Vermont: Moonlight in Vermont, Billie Holiday. Vermont, Cursive. Vermont is often stereotyped as a bastion of sandal-wearing, roller blading, wool sweater-clad, Vegan, detoxing, ‘Eat more kale’ bumpersticker sporting, scented candle & patchouli paintywaists. Well that’s no so bad. British Columbia is like that, but there’s more chance of tumbling down a bigger mountain there.

Virginia: Sweet Virginia, Rolling Stones. Straight Outta Virginia, Timbaland / Magoo. Virginia is about a girl, as is the unbelievably bad, Meet Virginia, by Train. Soon to be home of the Golden Girls-inspired musical, “Yes Virginia, there is a mentopause.”

Washington DC: Washington Bullets, The Clash, To Washington John Mellencamp, Christmas in Washington, Steve Earle: From personal experience, one of us remembers that the only part of this city you’d want to risk whistling one of these songs in is far away from Obama’s digs. A city where the mayor smoked crack because he had to.

Washington State: Fun in Washington, Afroman.  Quite possibly the worst song here, no, correct that. THE worst song here…uh…correction again…Could be the worst song anywhere.

West Virginia: Take me Home Country Road, John Denver, Leaving West Virginia, Kathy Mattea. One’s comin’ and the other’s goin’. Also by John Denver: “Hi, I’m John Denver, and I just wrote a song about your state.”

Wisconsin: Wisconsin, Samiam, The Cheese Song, Bruce Kerr. “Everyone is so delighted, in a world so white, clean, and safe.” Delighted might be too strong a word, how about stifled?

Song of Wyoming, John Denver. Emperor of Wyoming, Neil Young: John Denver back again and even Neil Young chips in and the last time he sang about Americans he got a vicious retort (see Part One of our list) in return.

March 27, 2009 | lists, music

We previously delved into the (if you’ll excuse the redundancy) world of geography with our 25 Horrible Bands Named after Places and in doing so incurred the wrath of hardcore fans of Kansas/Boston, bands we perhaps unfairly dumped on because they’re part of that most loathsome movement in music—Prog Rock. Then again, the more comments we get from people leaping to their defense, the less we regret their inclusion.

Gene Simmons defended the music of KISS, saying basically—and we’re paraphrasing here— simplicity is good (hell, KISS stands for Keep it Simple Stupid) and that people prefer things that are basic and catchy, like the marches of John Philip Sousa. Such advice was never heeded by those terrible bands in the 70s who dominated our list by penning 8 minute songs often accompanied in the studio by a horn section, chamber orchestra, penitents who Gregorian chanted, a high school Glee club, out of work poets (the only kind) and basically everything but the organ grinder monkey.

Defenders of these acts always say “they’re amazing musicians”. Well, not really. They’re decent compared to the likes of Nirvana, who couldn’t tune their guitars if you gave them a four string head start, but compared to jazzers and the classically-trained, it’s a different league. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Folk/Pop/Rock/Rap music is simple, fun and that’s why people are drawn to it, the same way musicians are usually the only people who like jazz.

Anyway, we’re back riding the geography train here and wondered after hearing Sweet Home Alabama, would anyone sing a paean to Pennsylvania? How ’bout an ode to Oregon?

So, here’s a rundown of US STATE SONGS, listed alphabetically, so we wouldn’t tire out our Google fingers tracking down when each joined the Union.

Caveat:

• Nearly every single one was penned by John Denver
• We’ve left out fight songs.
• This is by no means exhaustive, as you could fill a brochure with music about the states of California/Texas, but this is the best we could do.

Enjoy!

Alaska: North to Alaska, Johnny Horton. Horton was a buddy of Johnny Cash and being born in LA didn’t stop him from writing about pretty much everywhere else. “Where the river is winding, big nuggets they’re findin”. Horton also made the Honky Tonk Man famous before the WWF introduced the wrestler, known for a finishing move that was an acoustic guitar to the back of the head (lucky for his opponents, he wasn’t a bassist)

Arizona: Hotel Arizona, Wilco, Arizona, Kings of Leon. One of our faithful readers pointed out that in our Top 10 Drinking & Driving Songs of All Time (incidentally, Johnny Horton was killed in a DUI crash) we failed to mention the great Chicago band Wilco and their homage to boozin’ behind the wheel (or in this case, just next to it), Passenger Side. So, they make an appearance here. Here are two songs that pay homage to the high & dry state.

Alabama: Sweet Home Alabama, Lynyrd Skynyrd / Alabama, Neil Young. Alabama along with Southern Man, were Northern Neil’s Red State baiting, famously countered by Skynyrd. In the Gene Simmons Celebrity Roast (because no list of US State Songs is complete without at least two references to him), one of the comics slammed the house band saying, “I’ve heard better sounds from Lynyrd Skynyrd—as they were crashing!”

Arkansas: Mary, Queen of Arkensas, Bruce Springsteen. Arkansas, They Might be Giants. At the recent Superbowl, The Boss didn’t do himself any favors by gleefully sliding into the audience nearly crotch-first, but did us all a favor by writing this pretty decent tune. “Seems like I’m a lonely acrobat.” Bruce’s acrobatic skills kept the first row in the aforementioned performance from getting a crotch-full.

California: California Love, Dr Dre Tupac / California Stars, WIlco Billy Bragg. California Love is one of the greatest music videos ever—more was spent on that than Obama’s bail out package and it’ll do just as much for the economy. On the opposite end of the monetary scale, socialist Billy Bragg collaborated with Wilco on the quite excellent California Stars. Yes, there is Californication, California Dreaming, Losing California, and here is where completists are welcome to write their own lists, or to complain bitterly by posting below.

Colorado: I guess I’d Rather be in Colorado, John Denver. Bound for Colorado, Jackson Browne, Colorado, Merle Haggard. The former not exactly a sentiment that’ll make it onto t-shirts or into brochures. From what we gather, John Denver sang about every place his tour bus ever stopped. Speaking of tour buses, The Dave Matthews Band don’t seem to be toxic waste dumping recidivists, and have confined their garbage to the stage.  In ‘Colorado’, the phrase “if God doesn’t live in Colorado, I’ll bet that’s where he spends most of his time”, puts it in the Mile High Fan Club.

Connecticut: Kylie from Connecticut, Ben Folds / Wives are in Connecticut, Carly Simon. The state of ‘Green’ (both in wealth and naming convention for towns), boarding schools, lacrosse and Yale University—noted alum, C. Montgomery Burns.

Delaware: Hello I’m in Delaware, City & Colour. “No sleep tonight. I’ll keep on driving”. Delaware is generally the state that’s forgotten when trying to name all 50. Why that is, we’re not sure but it might have something to do with the lyrical sentiment expressed here.

Florida: Florida Room, Steely Dan. Florida, Modest Mouse. Because the Patio Enclosure Blues didn’t quite rock out enough. In the movie Knocked Up, Seth Rogen’s character mentions that “Steely Dan gargles my balls.” The band’s name was inspired by Naked Lunch (“I can think of at least two things wrong with that title”, says Nelson Muntz, about the movie version) and has easily as many defenders as they do detractors (about 75 apiece). “Even as I left Florida, Far enough, far enough, wasn’t far enough”. So sing Modest Mouse, escaping from the other one in Orlando.

Georgia: Georgia on my Mind, Ray Charles. Devil Went Down to Georgia, Charlie Daniels. The Devil Went Down to Georgia, for reasons you’d need a cultural anthropologist to explain, has been inextricably associated with plaid and miniskirt-clad dancing on bar tops even before the excellent piece of reality TV, The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search, came out. Would hate to see The Penultimate Coyote Ugly Search, as top prize in ‘Ultimate’ is merely a chance to dance on the bar for tips at one of the eponymous chain saloons, where women who don’t work there, are about as likely to be patrons as they are at the Cannonball Cabaret—and not surprisingly, given a clientele withdrawing from Oxycontin and looking to sneak a peak up their skirts.

Hawaii: Hawaii, Beach Boys. Blue Hawaii, Elvis. If you ever get the opportunity, just as someone is going to launch into what a pop masterpiece Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys is, just walk away, catching them off-guard mid sentence. Don’t engage, just walk away. Elvis without question, put the ‘blue’ in Hawaii with both the song and the movie.

Idaho: Private Idaho, B52s. Idaho, Train. Fred Schneider from the B52s has one of the more annoying voices in music. Hearing someone do Love Shack at karaoke, is ample reason to install a home sensory deprivation chamber. [Please see our Songs that Inspired Karaoke Violence] Train is one of those bands that have helped progressively erode the legitimacy of the Grammy Awards.

Illinois: Johnsburg Illinois, Tom Waits. Illinois Enema Bandit, Frank Zappa. Consistently a forerunner in the, Name the Most Boring State you Can Think Of, sweepstakes, Illinois is usually spared top prize by virtue of a) the pure awesomeness of Chicago and b) the states of Nebraska, Indiana, Oklahoma and Delaware. For the more boring provinces in Canada, please see (or don’t, as the case may be) Saskatchewan, New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island, the latter, best known for its sand…yes…sand.

Indiana: Indiana Wants Me, R Dean Taylor. But does anybody want it?

Iowa: Iowa, Slipknot. A band named after a hangman’s noose, who wear scary masks and churn out awful, awful music. They have an album called Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat, but a more accurate title would be: Play, No Need to hit Repeat.

Kansas: The Devil Came from Kansas, Procul Harum. Procul Harum is known for their smash, Whiter Shade of Pale, which could be the Kansas state song. The Devil definitely didn’t come from Kansas, as he’s a visible minority (red).

Kentucky: Kentucky Woman, Neil Diamond. Kentucky, the Louvin Brothers. We’re big fans of the hipster-bashing website Stuff White People Like and a favorite t-shirt sported by people whose jeans are skinnier than a crack addled drag queen, is one that says ‘Gettin’ Lucky in Kentucky.’  This is obviously ironic, as the type of person who’d wear such an item loathes people from Kentucky, actually a really pretty state with great booze and music.

Louisiana: Leaving Louisiana, Oak Ridge Boys. Louisiana Blues, Muddy Waters.  Louiasiana Woman, Mississippi Man, Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn. Louisiana has hands down, the best food anywhere in the United States. For whatever reason, nobody has ‘prime swamp land’ to sell you there, like in the state of Florida. Still, if you’re going to get bilked out of real estate, it’s better that it’s here instead of a place where retirees go to drop dead. Not surprisingly, LA has spawned lots of devotion, three examples of which we’ve shared here….unlike….

Maine: Stein Song. Nobody it seems, wants to write a song about Maine, probably because one-syllable states don’t aid in the songwriting process. Of the three books Stephen King pens every year at least 2.5 of them have something to do with mysterious goings-on in Maine.

Maryland: Maryland Bridge, Vonda Shepherd. Maryland Bridge, The Weakerthans. Vonda Shepherd wrote and performed the awful theme music from the equally awful Ally McBeal. To make matters worse, she’d be occasionally written into plot lines to get extra time for her bad music that didn’t play while the credits rolled. 30 Rock is an updated version of Ally McBeal—except with TV writers instead of lawyers and the same kind of awful mugging for the camera that is so disconcerting to the viewer and so favored by kids at the zoo when the channel 8 action news team show up.

Massachusetts: Massachusetts, Bee Gee’s. Because we can’t think of anything to write about the Bee Gee’s, here’s a hilarious clip of the band storming off the Clive Anderson talk show with a “You’re a tosser pal”. (Brit slang for jerk off). What makes the clip so great is the remaining brother, perhaps the one the other two screwed out of songwriting royalties, sheepishly sticks around for a moment afterward and can’t extricate himself from his mic. A bemused Clive, who’d spent the minutes leading up to the walk off, offering backhanded compliments interspersed with straightforward put downs, doesn’t seem to mind.

Michigan: Especially in Michigan, Red hot Chili Peppers. “Double chins and bowling pins”. A little unfair, as parts of Michigan, especially the upper part, are really stunning and mostly devoid of people, double chins or otherwise.

Minnesota: Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota, Weird Al. Minnesota Girl, Green Day. Minnesota has given us Bob Dylan, Prince, a giant mall and a big case of writers block. Those two guys, who are weirdly starting to resemble one another, are monumental talents, yet neither put pen to paper to serenade the home state—Californian Weird Al did, and it’s a song about a ball of string, not a mall so big it can fit the Philadelphia subway system in it.

Mississippi: Mississippi, Bob Dylan, Goin’ to Mississippi, Magic Slim. Snow, Knopfler, Winter, Broonzy, Haggard and many others penned ol’ Miss ditties, the very best though, is by His Bobness, who’s put out some of his career-best music in the last decade. See Modern Times. At Toronto’s Silver Dollar Room, one of us had the pleasure of sharing a bourbon mid set with Magic Slim (who, at 6′5 and well over 250 lbs is not particularly slim, though a slide guitar is magic in his hands).

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO OF STATE SONGS!

March 25, 2009 | lists

As regular readers and his immediate neighbors might be aware, Shark Guy Noel makes his home in Bangkok Thailand. He’s often asked to compare Thailand with Canada, and he would rather just send along this URL the next time that question comes up:

1) In Toronto, if you ride a motorcycle it means you either belong to a motorcycle gang or you’re a computer programmer going through a midlife crisis. In Bangkok, grandma makes her morning soup run on the back of one.

2) In Toronto $20 will get you four pints maximum in the cheapest bar you can find and the contempt of the bartender you refuse to tip “on principle”. In Bangkok that same 20 could get you snake-eye drunk with plenty left over for that mandatory taxi ride home.

3) In Toronto, getting pulled over by a cop could mean having to take a half-day at work to go to court and fight a bogus ticket. In Bangkok, one copper palm quickly greased sees you on your way with no bureaucratic trail behind you. Bonus points if you can speak Thai and get the fine lowered by saying you were hurrying back to your pregnant wife  or, better, a sick elder relation of hers.

4) In Toronto, putting ice in a person’s beer is a karate-chop-in-the-throat-worthy offence, akin to dipping your toe in it. In Bangkok, you put ice in your beer on a really hot day to keep it from tasting like bath water.

5) In Toronto, it gets extremely hot for approximately 11 minutes in early August, people drop dead and there’s talk of bringing in military relief. In Bangkok, it’s close to that hot for a good chunk of the year — such is life in the tropics — and the military is only called in if a coup needs to be thrown.

6) In Toronto, the addition of a subway line the length of an extra-long tape measure was a major step forward after decades of talk. In Bangkok, an entire new and convenient subway line was completed in a far shorter time, but had a (minor) crash in its first days of operation…. You decide.

7) In Toronto, many transvestites looks like the guys from To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. In Bangkok, that tall woman you just whistled at from a passing car could be one.

8) One of Bangkok’s best known parks was donated by an infamous sex massage parlour tycoon who, tired of the extortion, decided to name and shame top police officials, this before becoming an MP and bringing a bathtub to parliament saying he would clean it up. In Toronto, the local park was named after a guy about as interesting as your great Uncle Boring Fred.

9) In Bangkok, there are few high-profile positions more meaningless than that of governor (equivalent of mayor). In Toronto, stay in the mayor’s chair for long enough and people could be figure-skating past your statue.

10) In Toronto, if you smile at a stranger you could end up on an RCMP watchlist. In Bangkok, the guy taking the toll at the shitter will give you a grin.

11) In Toronto, a government monopoly means you need to haul your frozen ass out to the nearest government sanctioned beer or liquor store at times the government deems suitable for your intoxication, and be happy that the Dalton McWimpy government thinks a monopoly is a good idea [For our take on the LCBO and Beer Store, click here]. Bangkok’s population likes nothing better than the challenge of a good law to break and you will never shit again if you’re the kind of minister who gets constipated a the thought of someone flouting your anti-drinking legislation.