February 20, 2009 | Rants

For some, the cry of a newborn is the tolling of a bell sounding the close to one’s hopes and aspirations as a single person. You may entertain fanciful ideals while you’re still half of a couple and able to indulge each other’s predilections for afternoon alarm clocks, but such illusions are shattered when Little Johnny Appleseed Jr screams apart the middle of the night, and diapers become more than something you might consider putting on the next time you do an all-nighter at the casino.

There are those, however, who refuse to go gently into that good night-light. These are people nostalgic for the absolute worst that single life has to offer – the disco or club. For those whose days as a single club-cruiser may be mercifully graying in their minds, let us provide a quick recap: Bouncers with no necks, ready to slap you across the forehead with a clipboard, bathroom queues with guys who look like they’d grace the cover of Sex Offender Monthly, sounds that would make a construction site seem appealing, somebody who wants to turn an accidental nudge into a brawl; and a subdued air of malice like a prison yard on the verge of a toothbrush shank fight. For The Best Bar Songs Click Here and The Top 10 Coolest Bartenders Click Here).

For these people, the Baby Loves Disco series has literally been sweeping the world. (OK, not exactly literally, but you can bet there’s been an army behind them sweeping up pacifiers and poop.) Thanks to a PR machine so effective we are almost afraid to disparage it, Baby Loves Disco events have been happening everywhere from Tampa to Abu Dhabi so parents can turn their tots out on the dance floor and get drunk without having to lowball a sitter.

Bars turn their premises over to Baby Loves Disco nights on Sunday afternoon, typically a time when only maniac postmen and men from the legion with a grudge to bear would be found in a bar. The disco music is turned on and children ages 0-7 (yes, age 0 is acceptable) are left to boogie down in a safe environment, which means one without sharp corners, finger-welcoming sockets, or some guy named Clarence in the men’s who can have you seeing the Hamburgler without a trip to McDonald’s.

We conclude with a video and would like you to notice a) how inappropriately long the dance sequence is, plus the screaming face of the only child not raised on his mommy’s Ipod and b) the organizer saying they left the bar open for the parents. Quel surprise.