February 13, 2009 | lists
As a Valentine’s Day gift to our readers, we thought we’d take a look at a lifestyle choice some people — depending on their religious convictions — might hold somewhere slightly above or below getting married to your Labrador Retriever (Click here for The Top 8 People Who Married Animals) and that is polygamy. HBO’s Big Love has helped bring polygamy to the fore (also notable for giving a juicy role to the great Harry Dean Stanton). People are now talking openly about polygamy, not just getting drunk and remarking to their buddies: “One wife… you know, sometimes I think that’s just not natural.”
Polygamy is a contentious issue and we were hesitant to weigh in on it frivolously for fear of upsetting such large families comprised of more people than we could conceivably outrun. Certainly, the polygamous lifestyle has its challenges, and we’re referring here to those more complicated than the extra monogramming that needs to be done when a new bride is welcomed into the fold, or the logistical complexities of who stands where in family portraits.
And we certainly do not support the kind of polygamy that sees just-turned-14 compound Susie getting leering old Uncle Frank’s hand in marriage for a birthday present. But when it comes from a person’s free will, then we are all for it, though we’re not helping out with the dishes should we ever be invited to such a household. The great Pierre Trudeau once said, “The state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation.” We reckon he would have stood behind that even in reference to multiple bedrooms, the doors of which get a knock every third night depending on scheduling and the number of wives — or husbands — involved. If Pamela Anderson can have three husbands spanned over a relatively short period of time, why can’t polygamists have three spouses at once?
We present you with 7 Pro-Polygamy Arguments. Since we’re both men and have given several years of deep knuckle-under-the-chin thought to the prospect of plural marriage from a male perspective, this list is undeniably slanted. We welcome any and all feedback in comments from our female readers on how polygamy looks from the other side.
Picture him looking like that but with no money for number 2.
1) The term “third wife” wouldn’t have such a dire meaning: It would be neat to be able to introduce a woman as your “third wife” without the previous two to hold that position having either gone on to their great reward in the sky or be collecting that great reward in this life via your alimony payments.
2) Crappy Guy + Terrific Girl Ratio would improve: Polygamy would expand the ranks of single men considerably. All those slobs who are able to find a woman now basically due to the fact that all other more desirable men are either gay, married, gay and married, or doing 5 to 10 on a trumped up beef would see the pool of available women thin out. Many might instead flock to the guy with the financial means and the bedroom horsepower needed to support multiple wives.
3) Strength in Numbers: Having multiple co-wives would give a woman someone to commiserate with over the man in their lives who can’t seem to learn how to flush a toilet. Also, though we would be the last to advocate violence outside of ice hockey, should it come down to it and the man really deserves it, a gang of sister wives could administer a shit-kicking to keep their loving man in line.
4) Couple nights would be a thing of the past: You would no longer be required to slap an accepting grin on your face and cart yourself off to some suburban copy of your own home. The onus would no longer be on you to fake common interests with your wife’s best friend husband, a guy named Bob who will take you out in -30 degree cold to show you how his choice of siding is the best in winter. The organizational complexity of arranging a polygamous couple’s night would be on par with arranging a family reunion — once, three times a lifetime tops, and even then you can make excuses.
5) Better kids: Children would be less the unbearably annoying, over-precious snowflakes they are now. When you’re a profligate polygamist, you father more kids over a winter than you change the tires on your car. That means the individual cast members of your polygamist Brady Bunch get bit parts, not the center-stage role that over-coddled children get. No more crayons that trumpet Mozart when Little Johnny shoves them up his nose.
6) Disappointing offspring less of a big deal: On a similar note, the sting of realizing your child is a big fat failure would be that much less painful. When you have a clown car full of kids, it makes no sense to get wrapped up and disappointed in the fact that one can’t throw a ball straight or correctly guess which of these things is not like the other when the list contains: ball, bat, esophagus. You can instead project your hopes and dreams onto the next most likely candidate, and should that child not live up to snuff, the next one after that.
7) Loads of pogie: Did you ever wonder how those fundamentalist polygamist cults can afford to pay for their land and eat on their big spreads out in places like BC and Utah what with all the inbreeding and insanity rife in those compounds? Well the answer is pogie, that catch-all term we Canadians use for any sort of money that comes just the way we like it — sent from the government and with our names on the envelopes. Since all but your first and legal wife would qualify as single mothers raising their own broods in a godforsaken place where even the word employment had to sell off a couple of vowels to pay the rent, the amount of pogie that would be rolling into your household would be substantial. Word of warning though, if you do live on such a compound, chances are you’ll need to give a good portion of that money to some lunatic in a beard, who calls himself The Prophet and hasn’t had a bath since the 1950s.
RE: chances are you’ll need to give a good portion of that money to some lunatic in a beard, who calls himself The Prophet and hasn’t had a bath since the 1950s.
If I knew you guys could somehow see into my house via my webcam, I never would have visited. GOOD DAY SIR! I SAID GOODDAY!
ps – Cheers!
The problem with polygamy is that most women, given equal rights, aren’t interested in sharing a man. Why do it, when there are other single, somewhat acceptable men out there? If you guys are willing to let it be a two-way street, though, I suppose it could be tolerable. After all, what else are we going to do on those two nights in between knocks? Pop out a child and practice our needlepoint? I’m no bra-burning feminist, but if you want to see how most women in America would react to polygamy, go ask your girlfriend if you can have another.
That said, the idea of seven wives cornering their husband for some serious hair-pulling made me laugh.
Dear Lindsay:
by many therapist societies estimates ie:
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Do-You-Rescue-Your-Relationship-After-An-Affair?&id=665945
almost 50% of females today can not resist the
urge to stray sexually and / or emotionally,
outside of their promise to be faithful. I did.
and the MINORITY of my known associate females
are remaining faithful.
cheating women…
since most people do not believe that 100 % of
the women who WANT TO are failing to resist, it
is easy to assume that the numbers of women who
want more than one man are certainly above 50%
right now, today since there are probably some
who really want to stray but do not under the
pressure of the “monogamy experiment” ideal.
( most people do not realize that in the
overall history of human evolutionary
developement, as in it being over hundreds
of thousands of years long, the marriage
experiment is a relatively new and failing
societal practice )
many people believe that at least for a short
time, most women do not want to share thier
man as a territorial reaction. or maybe it is
simply expecting the male to make and keep the
promise of fidelity ? but the truth is that
more than 50% of females today are not living
the monogamy lifestyle.
it is also true that the numbers of women that
desire to openly live a polyamorous lifestyle
are definately growing every few years,
and ….
That number is expected to keep growing, since
it seems that as it becomes more socially
acceptable to openly admit the desire for a
open and honest polyamorous among women, that
it is likly more and more women will join those
ranks.
when one collects the real world data, ie: as in
remarriage, polyamorous females, and unfaithful
females, it is NOT easy to assume that the
majority ( over 50% ) of women really want a
monogamous relationship, since a minority of
them are chosing that way via lifestyle choice.
the current batch of high school and even some
middle school children, are adopting the ideal
that “sexual activity” is more of a healthy
human expression than, the exclusive privilege
of a single male they also claim rights over.
soon this age group will be accessed in the
surveys and polls. it will make for interesting
reading for you.
my Poly household by the way, is what is known
as “poly-fidelitous”. when we are expressing any
sexual desires, it is only with one we expect
to continue in a lifelong relationship with.
but instead of leaving the one who trusted us
to stay with them “wnen” a second life partner
crosses our path, we openly and honestly look
to see if they are compatible with all here.
instead of making them walk away feeling they
missed their chance at loving happiness simply
because they were not the “1st one there” …
almost everyone knows a person who has
experienced that situation before.
regards … misty
Polygamy doesn’t mean multiple wives, guys.
It means multiple spouses.
So , legalizing polygamy would mean that Pam could have all three husbands at once :)
And about the pogie – um, if you legalize polygamy, the pogie goes buh-bye, since there all those folks would be one legal family.
I’ve been in a poly relationship with two guys, and I’d do it again – or welcome another wife in the house.
Or –
(wait, wait, wait)
BOTH !
See, real plural marriage would mean I could have two hubbys AND a wife :P
I gotta tell ya, that’d make having a stay at home parent MUCH easier, and save the government a nice chunk on all those kids they currently get to supervise while two parent families both work just to pay taxes and get by….
B
The term predominantly refers to women…you’re referring to the less common ‘polyandry’
Great, good, wonderful! I fully believe that it doesn’t matter how many partners are in a marriage, as long as the relationship is wanted by all members. It is true, the majority of women are likely to prefer a man who is committed to her, and only her. However, the possibility to love your husband and also deeply love a close female in your life is more than plausible. For those who truly love, love shows itself in many ways. The idea of loving both a man and a woman unconditionally and striving to produce a large, healthy, love-filled family should be no less respectable than one man and one woman sharing a life. I am committed to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and love him very much. I personally, can not imagine life with another woman in my relationship. But people fall in love with who they fall in love with, and if a man and woman can both fall in love with another woman, or other man for that matter, why not welcome them into a marriage? Rock on, those of you with SO much love to give. :P
Katelyn,
Saskatchewan, a province in Canada forces people to be spouses..multiple of not, without their consent! Polygamy is just plain legal there (Canada)!
Check into the stories of at least two legal multiple conjugal unions in that state where judges have forced men to become multiple spouses!
Cool. Saskatchewan Canada allows Polygamy.. too bad its cold there.
Great post! Funny and valid arguments too. I find it absurd that this is legislated against…something so personal… Can see a looot of benefits in having another woman in the house…
Loved it so much I linked to it…which I don’t do very often…so glad I found your page!
Thanks for the link Cathy, and glad you enjoyed the article. Cheers!