Tags: funny, humor, movies, television
February 9, 2009 | celebrities
If you’ve got a black belt in in Stooges Kung Fu you’ll know that a raised hand bisecting the forehead counters a two-finger poke to the eyes.
Before you progressed to the subtler Benny Hill, there was the Three Stooges—that two-by-four to the head of comedy and who better to bring the antics of these Vaudevillians to the big screen than Johnny Depp? Well, if your answer is ‘sure as hell not him’, then you’ve come to the right place.
You’ve gotta somewhat admire Johnny’s move, the career equivalent of leaving the car running in the garage with you in it, but we don’t think he’s the right fit for the Moe role. We think we’ve got a few, more suitable players to bring the trio of dunderheads to the silver screen, as Johnny often seems to bite off more than he can chew for many parts, including being a foot shorter than the late Hunter S. Thompson.
Moe Howard (Moses Harry Horwitz)
First off, the strong-armed leader of the group, Moe. Requirements: Flat, horizontal bangs, thick head of hair, ill-mannered, the ability to dole out heaps of physical abuse at the drop of a ‘Wise guy, eh?’ ‘Why I oughta!’
Steve Carell B +. 
Pros: Carell is a brilliant comic actor, fast on his feet, a stand out in Anchorman and a Hollywood A-lister by virtue of 40-Year Old Virgin, The Office and the highly overrated Little Miss Sunshine
Cons: Might not have the temperament to hand some of the rough, hard nosed stuff.
Ben Stiller B +.
Pros: If Stiller were a wrestler, they’d say his ability to take bumps was unparalleled. Amazing comic actor, often not used to his potential.
Cons: Stiller is better on the receiving end of his share of abuse, but like Steve Carell, might not be able to dish it out.
Russell Crowe B. 
Pros: The cantankerous Crowe would be a shoe-in as he’s proved capable of physical comedy, at least as far as hurling telecommunications devices is concerned.
Cons: Might be too beefy for the role.
Anthony Kiedis C-.
Pros: The Red Hot Chilli Peppers screamer is hyperactive, middle aged, squat, yet in good shape and already has the hair.
Cons: Having demonstrated his acting chops as ‘Gas Station Attendant’ in Married with Children and as a member of a faceless surf gang in the Patrick Swayze action vehicle Point Break (which, as far as vehicles goes, is comparable to getting a ride into town on a donkey) he’s probably not up to the job.
Long Shot: Steve Martin: Would require Gene Simmons-like quantities of hair gel or a helmet wig for the role and is just too plain old (though not old enough, apparently, to be a filthy lecher opposite Claire Danes in the creepy Shopgirl.
Honorable Mentions: Jim Carrey
Larry Fine (Louis Feinberg)
Though the unassuming background guy, Fine was actually a former pro boxer (if you can call it that), who fought one bout before retiring. This was a great career move, as he joined the bumbling brothers Howard and launched his comic career as a Stooge rather than being relegated to the world of pugilist ‘tomato can’. He probably showed that he had a solid chin back then though and was the second go-to guy whenever a beating was required, usually absorbing the lesser part of the same hand slap after Curly’s face took the brunt.
Jeff Daniels B. 
Pros: Take him and his hair out of Dumb & Dumber and he can more than capably reprise that role in a Stooges flick.
Cons: Can’t really think of any other than he’d face stiff arm to the face competition from Will Ferrell.
Louis CK. C+
Pros: Undoubtedly has the look. Louis is a very capable stand up comic who shares our disdain for the supposed comedy of Dane Cook.
Cons: Too low-profile, dour and misanthropic to be a believable Larry.
Will Ferrell A.
Pros: After his performances in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, not to mention his surprising versatility in Stranger Than Fiction, he should definitely grow out those curly knocks and get the nod.
Cons: Audiences may have worn thin of his frat-boy hijinks, but what better way to get it out of his system than with a tribute to his comic forbears.
David Hyde Pierce B.
Pros: He’s definitely available
Cons: If ‘that other guy on Frasier’ isn’t on the marquee, his name will be met with blank stares
Curly Howard (Jerome Lester Horwitz)
Curly. The heavy bag of the group who was unlucky enough to be asked to ‘pick two’ out of Moe’s open hand, which would subsequently result in those same two digits poked in his face.
Required: an athletic rubber-faced big-man with a tenor voice to sustain numerable beatings at the hands of the sullen, irascible, Moe. Key requirement, chrome dome, the physique of a Stevedore and the chin of a mid tier club fighter. Ability to ‘woooo, wooooo, wooooooooooo’ on command and convincingly utter, “I want a piece of toy-key!’”
John C Reilly A.
Pros: Our choice after his Dewey Cox tour de force in the highly underrated Walk Hard, a much more enjoyable and well conceived flick than the bloated biopic and ostensible inspiration, Walk the Line.
Cons: The versatile Reilly is a co-front runner here whose career is peaking, which is not a good thing as after this is released it could be a precipitous drop.
Steve-O B +. 
Pros: High-pitched voice, bald dome, hyperactive masochist. Shows definite potential. An acquired taste who is a definite sleeper pick for the role.
Cons: Doesn’t have the acting pedigree, though this admittedly isn’t exactly King Lear.
Jim Norton C.
Pros: Definitely has the look and physical stature. Best known for his inspired work in the Gene Simmons Celebrity Roast, with the line of the night: “Carrot Top, why all the surgery? You look like you’re changing into Carrot Bottom?”
Cons: As a working club comic, not particularly marketable outside the ‘try the veal’ circuit. 
Will Sasso. A -.
Pros: Easily the second best choice as Curly. Has the look, the brawn and the comic sensibility. Who could forget his turn as Kenny Rogers on Mad TV?
Cons: At nearly 6’4, the Sasso might be too tall for the role.
Long Shot: Artie Lang. You’d have to take a snowball to the face to get as much white stuff up your nose. Needs to clean himself out if he wants to be a modern day Belushi (that is, the version who didn’t kill themselves with drugs and the drink)
Honorable Mention: Jack Black
Shemp. The original member of the group, the often unsung Brownsville Brooklyn born Sam Howard (Samuel Horwitz) likely to be excised from any remake, but still, an integral part of the group in our humble opinion.
Joe Walsh A -. 
Pros: The wacky Eagles guitarist, who penned the excellent In the City from the even more excellent film Warriors, bears an undeniable resemblance to Moe’s older bro Shemp. Walsh showed off some of his chops on several guest appearances of The Drew Carey Show.
Cons: Walsh showed off some of his chops on several guest appearances of The Drew Carey Show.
Honorable Mention: Benicio del Toro
I was just about to suggest Michael Chiklis off of The Shield for Curly, when a dim light flickered in my mind, and IMDb tells me he actually played the role in a 2000 TV movie. Woo woo, motherfucker.
Steve Carell – Moe
Rob Schnieder – Larry
Jim Carrey – Curly
Steve Martin – Shemp
Jack Black – Joe