January 21, 2009 | Mad Science
UPDATE: Coca Cola is being sued over claims related to its Vitamin Water, and though we’ve yet to be subpoenaed as experts (our professional humorist credentials would come under close scrutiny during cross-examination as we find much of 30 Rock completely unwatchable) we did chime in on the release of Coke’s Vitamin Water earlier this year [click here] and did not give it further thought apart from lingering questions as to its efficacy as a toilet bowl cleaner compared with its predecessors.
[Editor's note: Call us the Ralph Naders of weak carbonic acid even though we did not perform any of the requisite tests-- due to the recent power outage in Toronto, unfortunately, any such tests that involved extraneous cleansing of a commode would've been highly inadvisable]
Now, apparently, Coke might be returning to its patent medicine company origins as the Center for Research in the Public Interest (for science unrelated to any public interest whatsoever, please see our Top 5 Moments in Junk Science, 2008) is part of a class action lawsuit against them declaring “33 grams of sugar in each bottle of VitaminWater do more to promote obesity, diabetes, and other health problems”.
According to sources, as we don’t touch the stuff ourselves unless a free case arrived at our doorstop, VitaminWater comes in several different flavors, which are brightly-colored and bear names like “defense,” “restore” and “rescue.”
On a completely unrelated note, on the actual bottles it reads, “Legally, we are prohibited from making exaggerated claims about the potency of the nutrients in this bottle,” so perpaps any claims relating to its ‘rescueing’ properties could be made if you were on fire and a vat of it was dumped on your head, and ‘defence’ if you were to hurl the lightly acidic beverage in the sensitive-skinned visage of a prospective mugger.
