December 24, 2008
May your post Christmas bargains be plentiful and the exchange policies on some of the crappier gifts you received, lenient.
May your Christmas be white, but also include people of color and a few trips to the fake and bake.
May the noxious carbon monoxide gases emanating from your fireplace not spread throughout the entire household.
May your gift cards not expire, nor eggnog before it is consumed.
May those who receive your gifts be fooled by Third World knock-offs.
May they do a better job of screening mall Santas.
May your hot toddies be 150-proof rum and habitually refreshed.
May your Santa’s Body Mass Index hover somewhere between overweight and normal.
May you be granted bail.
May your mistletoe amour’s countenance be blemish-free, eyes un-crossed.
May your vacuum not clog with pine needles.
May any grease fires be purposefully set for insurance reasons.
May nobody recognize the ass that was photocopied during the company office party and subsequently sent as a memo to all 500 of your coworkers as your own.
May your power bars weather the increased strain of holiday use.
May they be unable to prove anything in a court of law.
May you be able to get out of attending any religious observances that do not involve praying in front of a slot machine.
May the lead content in your dollar store purchases be at a level at, or ideally lower than that which is accepted by the Centers for Disease Control.
May your fire alarm batteries not leak.
May nary a single depressing holiday story related to the economy or a human interest tale of misery reach your festive years.
May those in the drunk tank with you be the non-screaming, non-stabby types.
December 25th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Heh…better screening of mall Santas…I just did a post on Santa Claus and pedophilia. Thanks for the xmas blessings.