December 22, 2008 | lists

England’s Prince Albert was quite a trendsetter back in his day. Along with being an early proponent of piercing one’s junk, he also brought England the German tradition of hauling in a tree for the holidays and weighing its branches down with various chachkas. It is a tradition celebrated in the noodle-headed holiday favorite “O Tannenbaum”, which loosely translates as “I hope these pine needles don’t ruin my vacuum cleaner.” The tradition caught on and hacksaws have been roaring in wintry woods ever since.

Christmas is a time that tends to bring out the gauche and tasteless person within us all — there is no need to have all nine of Santa’s reindeer accounted for in your front-lawn tableaux. Here though we will focus on 20 items that surpass even the traditional standards of Xmas tacky. These are 20 Christmas ornaments that should not be hung on any Christmas tree that is not located in a home with rubber walls. So dump half a bottle of rum in the egg nog and take out the pruning shears as we run down our list of the Top 20 Crappiest Christmas Tree ornaments!

20) Bon Jovi: Putting this tuneless wonder on your Christmas tree is akin to admitting both that you hate music and are about as skilled at holiday decorating as the Jove-ster is at doing cover songs.

19) Dale Earnhardt pit crew ornament: A search for Nascar Christmas ornaments on Ebay brings up an unacceptably large number of hits. There are of course dozens devoted to that patron saint of stockcar Dale Earnhardt, but none of them stranger than this, a tribute to those guys whose job it is to change tires and put out fires. We never thought we’d find ourselves paraphrasing Jeff Foxworthy, but you can be certain you’re a red neck if you have one of these on your tree.

18) Phantom of the Opera ornament with lights and music: A good rule of thumb to go by when decorating your Christmas tree is that if an ornament requires batteries to operate, it is best left in its box. We were unable to find a video of this thing in action, but are certain there a few things less festive than an ornament celebrating a musical about a disfigured guy who lives with rats.

17) Golf Glove: Creativity was not the strong suit of whoever came up with this one. One for the geezers who fly to Florida to bat around golf balls every winter.

16) Mickey Mouse Shorts: The magic of Christmas. Bright-eyed little Johnny skips downstairs, his eyes twinkling with anticipation on the big day and what does he find hanging on the tree? A dismembered Mickey Mouse. Cue therapist in 30 years.

15) Gold Fortune Cookie: Highly auspicious, this little bauble will bring you good luck and remind you about that kung pao chicken growing fur in the bottom of your fridge.

14) Police Officer Set: A good one if you need a reminder of that cop who roughed you up and threw  you in the drunk tank last Christmas.

13) Geisha Girl: We’re all for cultural mixing, but something seems amiss about little Johnny opening his gifts under an ornament celebrating the storied history of the Japan’s geisha.

12) “Merry Christmas From Heaven”: The holidays can be a miserable time for many and here is an ornament sure to inspire an instant bum trip.

11) Lady Pharmacist: Who wouldn’t want a reminder of that friendly woman who doles out the diarrhea medication?

10) John Deere Gas Pump. If you have an ornament like this on your tree, chances are that you might one day join a militia movement and declare war on the federal government.

9) Hummer ornament: Declare to the world that your penis is small and you could care less about the environment with this ornament.

8) Santa as a fireman: With all of his chimney shenanigans, old Saint Nick must end up with a burned ass fairly often, so perhaps it makes sense for him to be shown as a fireman.

7) Pink flamingo: Combine the tackiest in summertime lawn accouterments with the worst winter has to offer all in one ornament.

6) Budweiser Beer Bottles in Cooler: Not surprisingly, we kind of like this one, though the beer chosen ranks slightly above commode water in terms of what we like to drink. If you have this on your tree, your chances of passing out drunk in a snowbank and dying of exposure are significantly higher. Be careful out there.

5) King Kong to the Rescue: In keeping with that traditional Xmas tale of the giant mutant ape who saves humanity from a lizard the size of a skyscraper. It’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas but ornaments like these keep tradition alive.

4) Male Taekwondo Figures: What says festive fun better than a roundhouse kick in the face?

3) Nutcracker in Dallas Cowboys colors: For the tacky sports fanatic, this take on the popular yuletide tale sees the Nutcracker guys wearing Dallas Cowboy colors. One guesses that they are out on bail on weapons-related offenses.

2) Pillsbury Dough Boy on a Horse: We may have missed an episode in the Pillsbury Dough Boy canon, but since when does he ride a  horse? The right choice for those looking to be reminded of the fictional character who it would be most pleasing to smash with a fist.

1) McDonald’s Happy Meal: Pleased about how nutritionally deficient your child’s diet is? Well celebrate the portly little tyke’s bad eating habits with this commemorative charm.