Hack comics have long made sport of just how awful airline food is. Such material belongs quite rightfully in the comedic dumpster of pathetically worn-out jokes along with anything related to the fundamental differences between men and women and cutesy anecdotes detailing how their children are especially hilarious that are embarrassing to hear from comedians who had far better stuff back in their single days when they were hoovering up cocaine and dodging paternity suits.
Rarely, with the possible exception of talent night at the local Don’t Drop the Soap Inn, do we get to hear any comedic musings on prison food, presumably because the oversized blazer and sneaker ranks of comedians are generally not culled from the prison underworld.
If a ‘comedy police’ existed the likes of Gallagher, Dane Cook and Jeff Foxworthy would be hauled away and perhaps this situation would be rectified, but for now, we’ll have to rely on accounts of prison food from the occasional foray into the underground economy.
For prisoners, “Nutraloaf,” a “loaf-style form of nourishment” (Wonder Bread should look at copyrighting the phrase) is offered when trays are tipped or a night’s repast is among the substances flung at a guard (often giving new and disgusting meaning to the phrase ‘this food tastes like shit’).
With this culinary option likely not too much worse than the fare regularly offered, it’s no wonder inmates who aren’t on hunger strikes or cannibalistic maniacs, turn to sources other than the guy on kitchen detail with a pot of boiling water and an ill temper.
According to a Reuters report, the state-run Al Ahram newspaper (the ‘all the news that’s fit to print’ only because there aren’t any competitors) reported that prison authorities in Egypt have been placing orders with restaurants and then handing them to prisoners.
Apparently, according to reports, it is also not uncommon for those on the shackled side of the Plexiglas to get meals from their visiting families and Egyptian human rights activists say conditions inside jails are bad, with unclean cells and low-quality food comparable to what would be stuffed inside a documentarian over the course of a month. No word on whether Devil’s Food Nail file cake is available.
Posted by thesharkguys @
6:14 am |
Those of you with basement apartment mailing addresses, stopping by TheSharkGuys mid-surf and holding a flashlight between your teeth take note: cybersex the stuff that fuels the Internet and the main reason you decided to turn on a computer (and soon regretting you did, after burning your retinas, left), is mainly the domain of depressed, stressed out and anxious males.
These after-shock rumblings were revealed at a recent psychology conference by researchers at Swinburne University of Technology in Melbourne. [Recently we've blogged about equally tectonic plate-shifting findings that include, among other things, that racial bias exists online though we're not aware of any overlap with what we've uncovered here]
The common belief had up until this point been that only successful men with rich and deeply satisfying personal lives skulked around online at 3AM looking for dirty conversations with strangers who may or may not be violating the conditions of their parole by using the Net. The report in the Australian press said that the research, “…is shedding new light on the types of people who frequent online sex, fetish and swinging sites, revealing they are overwhelmingly male, well educated, and aged anywhere from 18 to 80.” 
For those of you blown away by this age range, which, after you take into account the margin of error includes absolutely everyone capable of tying their own shoelaces, we apologize, but we have some other numbers to lay on you. Apparently, about a third of the people who frequently go online for a bawdy Camfrog romp and similar shenanigans showed moderate to severe levels of depression, 30 percent had high anxiety, and 35 were moderately to severely stressed. There was no mention as to whether there was a correlation between low bandwidth and high stress levels due to network requirements of certain type of cybersex (threesomes, for example requiring a significant upgrade in RAM).
The more heavily engaged in online sexual activity, the higher the level of stress and also, the louder the knock on the basement door from the subject’s mother wondering what the hell he’s doing there and is he ever going to come up for breakfast
Posted by thesharkguys @
5:00 am |
A great Canadian statesman once proclaimed “the state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation”, something those on the arrow pointing ‘up’ side of the 49th parallel and to varying degrees those on the flip side, have taken to heart.
Unfortunately, as we’ve taken great pains to point out in our section ‘Nanny State Nonsense‘ beyond the boudoir busybody bureaucrats have gained a foothold just about everywhere else: so much so it seems, even a post coital puff could soon be at risk.
Those championing the anti-smoking position often possess conviction that would be the envy of 18th century Jesuits and have made it their life’s work to be a torrential downpour on the parade of anyone for whom cancer sticks are a soothing way to deal with life’s stressors. This includes mandating just how far away from a building you have to stand to light up that morning smoke (10 feet in some cases, arbitrarily 20 in another) and in Toronto, with Samuel Beckett-like absurdity, dictating exactly how high bar patio umbrellas must be.
It should be noted at this point, that neither of us is a smoker, but imposing restrictions on someone who is already outdoors strikes us as denigrating in the extreme.
In many cases though, we’ll readily concede that their digit-wagging has resulted in decent legislation—in many jurisdictions (recently New Jersey and our home province of Ontario) a fine is levied if you smoke with a child in the car. It’s the state’s duty, we feel, to protect the innocent from nonsensical practices—home schooling, bizarre medical beliefs of the stripe that regards life-saving blood transfusions with suspicion, puffing toxicity into your kid’s face etc, and only a Libertarian with an orbit of Pluto like distance from earthly reality would claim otherwise.
EVIDENCE
Now, the Nanny State is at it again, though this time with what seems a sensible ‘Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment’ approach to making people think twice before lighting up. According to a JAMA study, pro-tobacco marketing and depictions of tobacco use in TV/film more than doubles the odds of whether a teen will start smoking and since this is not about to change anytime soon (even the staunchest anti-smoking advocate will concede, smoking has a pretty damn cool aesthetic) it’s time to try a new and different counter measure.
On the surface, it seems asinine.
In NYC, the “Eating You Alive” campaign will feature matchbooks with grotesquery that would make a Civil War surgeon woozy including those from the Shane MacGowan school of dental hygiene [Editor's note, the Pogues feature prominently in our Top 10 'Bar' Songs of All Time and we encourage those who wish to do so, to light up a smoke and pretend they're in one of the bars mentioned pre-smoking ban]
The Commissioner of the city’s Department of Health said the creepy matchbooks, which would make David Cronenberg pass on dinner, were the next best alternative to putting grisly advertisements directly on cigarette packs themselves, which countries like Canada and Thailand have already done, with thus far decent results [see pic] 
In a University of Waterloo study published in the Canadian Journal of Public Health, it was found that nearly one third of former smokers reported that cigarette warning labels had motivated them to quit. 38% of all former smokers surveyed reported that smoke-free policies helped them remain abstinent and 27% reported that warning labels helped them do so. These figures are much more compelling than a platitudinous, ‘Well, if it makes one person quit/saves one life than it’s valuable’ school of public policy.
While a matchbook depiction is all fine and dandy, it seems that having it on the package itself is the next logical discharge in the battle against tobacco (and furthermore, with studies to show that percentage of package occupied with such an image, not surprisingly, is positively correlated with its effectiveness) and much more impactful than bullying smokers into standing a proscribed distance away from some structure, especially in cold climes such as those up here.
Posted by thesharkguys @
8:43 am |
September 22, 2008 Heroes
As you can see, in a move that will no doubt shatter monocles and make silent auctioneers gasp audibly, the Shark Guys have undergone a fashion makeover. Much like a Blood defecting to the Cripps, we’ve left that red behind and settled on subtler earth tones while undergoing a massive style overhaul, the likes of which you’d see on the runways of Paris or Milan– if you happened to load up this site on your laptop mid-show.
The deus ex machina responsible for this transformation (and not the one who created humans and dinosaurs together and then made no mention in his Good Book of what would’ve likely been a less than peaceful coexistence) is none other than Karen at Catapult Web Development / Swank Web Design.
Swank, not to be confused with its namesake, a publication known for gracing prison and parking lot attendant calendars nationwide, has done for The Shark Guys’ website what a burka would do for Madonna–improve its look immeasurably. We would like to extend our utmost gratitude to the folks over there for doing what is truly a bang up job. We’re more thrilled than Michael Jackson when an ice-cream truck happens by Neverland Ranch.
Also, kudos to Stephane Peray, the uber talented cartoonist over at The Nation in Bangkok, responsible for our predatory fish graphic, who was kind enough to offer up his huge talents amidst a government shake up in Thailand (afflicting the comfortable made that much more difficult when you don’t know who the comfortable exactly are)
A giant Rosie O’Donnell-to-room service thank you to our friends for all their design suggestions, which although much appreciated, were largely ignored as we happily deferred to a professional.
Finally, thank you to all the faithful readers of The Shark Guys, who’ve helped make our site a humor mainstay.
Don’t forget, check us out Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for more marrow to your funny bones, at www.thesharkguys.com and because our plugs are nowhere near as shameless as those in Kelsey Grammer’s head, pick up a copy of our book The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, a big help when the Buffalo Bills don’t cover the spread, er, in these times of financial uncertainty.
We certainly hope you like the new us.
Cheers!
Chris & Noel
The Shark Guys
Posted by thesharkguys @
1:00 am |
