Tags: humor, national anthems, top 10, Top Ten
August 8, 2008 | lists, music
Despite sinking more coins into our Olympic coffers than a virgin at Lucky Fountain, Toronto has failed repeatedly to host the Olympic Games and as a result, we won’t get to see if the shot-put can, after 2500 years of failing to do so, finally ignite the public’s imagination.
By not landing the Games of the Olympiad, we’ll not only miss out on yelling ‘Geronimo’ off a 10 meter springboard, but also the aesthetic thumb in the eye that is the opening ceremonies, which distill a nation’s character down to a few silly gesticulations, which in our case would be break-dancing Mounties, some sort of giant papier-mâché leaf and a chorus line of lumberjacks.
However, the Olympics are about more than just cheap showmanship, like your uncle who can balance a cane on the end of his toe while whistling “Chevy Van”. They’re a chance for countries to atone for past sins, march together in a show of togetherness twice a decade and see whose athletes can pump themselves more full of pharmaceuticals than an Amy Winehouse pot lock. 
There are some countries, such as those whose main export is a variety of tart nectarine, that you never really get to hear from in non-Olympic years unless an extradition treaty is violated or some autocrat is ousted and replaced by an antelope as the interim head of state.
The odd time though, one of these nations will unhinge the masturbatory grip on the podium held by Russia, Germany or the United States and you’ll get to hear an off-key warbling of some country’s national anthem and bear witness to a moment of pride that’ll last for generations to come, if you define “generations” as however long it takes for the urine sample to come back positive, the sportsman in question to defect, or when the next commercial break will air.
But what exactly are they singing about as banners are raised to the rafters and the eyes of the world (or at least the eyes of the world that aren’t glazed over by a less than rousing game of handball) are upon them?
Not surprisingly, most anthems are a call to arms, mostly partisan hymns that are a soundtrack to bayoneting your nearest geographical neighbor and a tune you can tap your jackboot to as you proclaim the superiority of your culture, mountain ranges and comely women (the seldom heard fifth stanza in Slovenia’s national anthem: “To you, our pride past measure, Our girls! Your beauty, charm and grace!”)
There are some ditties sung that are much more ominous than any ‘Bombs bursting in air‘, you might’ve whistled while relieving yourself after a heavy lunch, and that would make a scout troupe cower in fear more than a scoutmaster’s invite to a midnight swim.
Of course, officials quickly noted that when performed at certain epochal functions, some of these stanzas were better left out altogether, like in the case of Italy, where if something of import were to be held in Warsaw, for example, it might be prudent to omit the bit about “the Polish blood they drank, along with the Cossack.”
We thought we’d share a few choice verses, unearth a few national secrets, and perhaps create a diplomatic shit-storm with this, our list of the Top 10 Most Violent National Anthems!
10) Algeria: Being that Algeria’s national hymn was written not long after the North African nation broke free from France, thus ending one of the most violent and oppressive periods in European colonial history, we’re not surprised that their national anthem makes scant reference to daisy-picking and the value of complacency. Of course, as you’ll learn during the course of our bloody world tour of national anthems, nothing ups the carnage in a national anthem like a good throwing off of the yoke of an oppressor. However, this one gets bonus points for the fact that amidst all bloodshed and overthrowing of oppressors, it never forgot the importance of the beat:
Choice Lyrics:
“When we spoke, nobody listened to us,
So we have taken the noise of gunpowder as our rhythm
And the sound of machine guns as our melody”
9) Tunisia / Haiti: Continuing on with our theme of countries breaking free from French colonial rule and celebrating their independence in violent verse, here are two nations that preferred death over French rule, much as we’d prefer such a fate over say, a screening and subsequent discussion of the Sex & the City movie.
Choice Lyrics:
“The blood surges in our veins,
We die for the sake of our land.”
“For the flag, For our country
To die is a fine thing! Our past cries out to us:
Have a disciplined soul! To die is a fine thing!”
(Full anthem: Tunisia, Haiti)
8) Albania: It is impossible to enter into a discussion about Albania, without in some way referencing Mother Teresa. That should suffice. For a far more eyeball-rewarding look at a native of that country, turn your peepers to the left. Saints preserve us!
And in its national anthem we have a recurrent theme in many such ditties: the glory of having your ass shot off in a war.
Choice Lyrics:
“From war abstains only he,
Who a traitor is born,
For he who is a man is never frightened,
But falls, but falls a martyr to the cause!” (Full anthem)
7) Hungary: The Magyar Himnuz, based on a poem of such emotional intensity, that some interpreters apparently see it as an example of the nation’s deeply-rooted pessimism. We would agree, but what does it matter anyway?
Choice Lyrics:
“But no freedom’s flowers return
From the spilled blood of the dead,
And the tears of slavery burn,
Which the eyes of orphans shed.”
(and later) Grief and sorrow all the same
Underneath a sea of blood (Full anthem)
6) Italy: Check out this little kid as she belts it out!
Choice Lyrics:
“Let us join in the cohort
We are ready to die!
We are ready to die!
CLICK HERE FOR THE TOP FIVE MOST VIOLENT NATIONAL ANTHEMS!
a chorus line of lumberjacks.
Damn I would of liked to see this.
Gotta be France at number one.
nah man!!!notitaly