August 1, 2008
Being the kind of guys who would ask the bartender in a sports bar if he wouldn’t mind changing the channel because “I think ‘Wheel of Fortune’ might be on, and tonight’s Caribbean-themed,” we are likely not the ones most NFL fans would turn to for commentary or analysis.
And that’s for the best, because we aren’t about to offer anything of the sort.We can appreciate football’s importance to gamblers; after all, without this sport to bet on, there might be a major-sports-less gap in the year that could see attendance at dog tracks overwhelm capacity. But for us, the NFL is just the XFL stripped of all its glorious theatrics, slick production values, and unorthodox rules that breathed new life into the sport (Reference the decision to let players put whatever they wanted to on their jerseys, [see left. That is unfortunately not his given name, though we're not sure if "he" still hate him or whether he has had a change of heart, and now he "likey" him]).
So rather than combing through football rosters for information relevant to a player’s on-field performance, or using said info for any useful purpose whatsoever, we’ve instead gone through the ranks to highlight something over which players had absolutely no control: their names. The NFL has given us people with nicknames like William “The Refrigerator” Perry, so called because of his frequent visits to one and also because he looked as close as a human could to one without being robbed of the ability of forward movement and others with names like Man Mountain, which also wasn’t in any way ironic.
Here, however, is a list of gridiron athletes whose given names are so stellar that they do not need nicknames. Compiled from current NFL rolls and barring any exploding kneecaps or other assorted football injuries over the weekend, here, in no particular order, are the best damn legal names currently on a National Football League roster. That’s currently, people, so no waxing poetic about Blood Mcnally tearing up City Stadium in the days before helmets.
10) Ritchie Incognito, St Louis Rams: With a name that makes him sound like the guy who runs the panini shop in a Danny Aiello movie, Ritchie Incognito of the St. Louis Rams gets the first slot here. After being suspended indefinitely from two colleges (one wonders if anything short of tearing off another human’s head could warrant the indefinite suspension of a star athlete from one American college let alone too), Incognito has since gone on to become a well paid NFL star, driving around in a BMW 750 with “23 television screens… including one in his gas cap door.” Alright, it’s only a surname, but come on.
6) Clevan “Tank” Williams, Minnesota Vikings:If your parents name you ‘tank’, they’re either Wehrmacht war buffs or have Body Mass Indexes that are so off the charts, they figure their chip off the old block is more likely to look like the block itself. Tank is an exception to our rule of including actual given names since in his case, his little sister dubbed him tank as an infant. He thus effectively went through life with the name “Tank” rather than being given it while already a professional football player. Anybody who was known around the house as “Tank”, even while stuffing crayons up their nose and screeching at Big Bird, probably couldn’t have made many career choices other than football and certainly deserves a spot here.
video-game pioneer, so anyone thinking of naming their offspring Gamecube Calhoun as a tribute should reconsider. His grandmother named him “Atari” because of the word’s Japanese meaning: attack. Coincidentally, we’re guessing that’s what Atari had to do every time someone jibed him as being named after the ancient video-game maker. “Bigby” is an added bonus, sounding as it does like the name of an octogenarian Rolls Royce chauffeur who taxis you to your country estate in Wales. 
August 1st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Frank Gore?
August 1st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
6′2 223lbs is no “tank”. Tank Johnson is an actual tank at 6′3 305 lbs.
August 1st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
you tell him that to his face!
August 1st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
no Little John Flowers? tsk tsk…not only a fruity name, but named after a story character
August 1st, 2008 at 2:23 pm
list fails for no Craphonso Thorpe
August 1st, 2008 at 3:02 pm
the bears used to have a player called Harry Colon…
August 1st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Not haveing former Seahawks FB Mack Strong on this list makes this list a sham.
August 1st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
According to Williams, his nickname came from his sister: as an infant, he drank so much milk that his sister suggested to his mother that his mother should give him a tank of milk instead of a bottle.
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 am
What about Demarcus Faggins or Bhawah Jue?
August 2nd, 2008 at 12:00 pm
T.J. Slaughter or Randall Gay? Slaughter has the best name of any NFL player ever, and He is a linebacker to top it off.
August 2nd, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I beg to differ Travis. Though retired and therefore disqualified from this list, the ultimate football name, and as a blocking fullback the most fitting: THANE GASH. I will broker no dissent. Particularly from Canadians, what with their money named “loony” and their bi-lingual codes and socialized entertainments.
August 2nd, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Frank Gore is pretty good…but Al did a better job of taking the violent sting out of that name
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
No Takeo Spikes? No Champ and Boss Bailey?
August 5th, 2008 at 7:47 am
He Hate Me a.k.a Ron Smart is doing pretty well for himself as a special teams player on the Carolina Panthers Roster.
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Does anybody remember running back Ben Gay from a few years back?
November 20th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
“Anonymous”,
Time to invest in a new copy of Street & Smith. Ron Smart hasn’t been on the Panthers since the end of the 2005 season.
January 27th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
FREAKIN SWEET LIST!
January 27th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Thank you Sports Fan…
We’ll be lookin’ out for Orpheus Roye doing battle with the likes of Early Doucet and Deuce Lutui…
We throw our formidable black market economy support behind the black and gold…
February 28th, 2009 at 11:05 am
CLETUS
June 1st, 2009 at 11:35 pm
What about former Browns player named Ben Gay.