July 30, 2008
Motto: The Object of One's Affection
At the risk of never being given the keys to the city of Crapo Maryland, where you might not to want to open anything anyway, namely a business, there are some places that are just plain unappealing to the ear—as opposed to say, the state of Indiana*, which is unappealing to each of the other senses as well.
[*Editor's note: It could be worse. It could be farther away from its main selling point---proximity to Chicago]
There are towns that for whatever reason struck ‘appeal to tourists’ off the local chamber of commerce agendas, watched the Rotarians rotate their wheels out of Dodge and whose mayors are currently in the process of decommissioning our welcome wagons.
These are places where a road sign pointing to them, even with the gas tank registering near empty, would have you lead foot it down the interstate and take your chances getting stranded somewhere while some maniac with a billhook muttering something about ‘city folk’ chops you into the next episode of CSI.
Now, at the risking of offending anyone outside Indiana state lines (a state so ugly it should be annexed, partitioned and sold off to the highest bidder–perhaps if a sultan in Bahrain needs somewhere to work out the finer points of his Ferrari’s 5-speed transmission) we should note that we’ve never actually been to any of the offending towns on account of never experiencing break pad trouble anywhere in their vicinity, (though one of us sped through Gary quite quickly) but we’re sure they’re all lovely places.
1. Dildo, Newfoundland. The stagette gift that turns party-goers into short-form improvisational comedians, and if the party is held at an upper end restaurant will result in a board of health citation, this device is also the most embarrassing item that can be seized at customs (doubly so if you’re a man and with any sort of standing in the community, say the comptroller for Lizard Lick, NC)
2. Flushing, New York, Drain, Oregon. Two names that refer to sending something through pipes, like say, E. coli through your intestines or a hole that attracts flies, these plumbing-themed dud monikers are a plunger and a snake away from causing serious water damage to your bathroom tiles and your psyche.
3. Bald Knob, Arkansas. A particular sexual predilection detailed in the back pages of the Village Voice, or an insult hurled out the window at a chrome-dome trucker who cut you off.
4. Dead Horse, Alaska. What more could we say about it without invoking the phrase? If your town is a ‘one horse’ one, better make sure the beast isn’t glue factory-bound.
5. Hellhole, Idaho / Hell, Michigan. ‘Hell’ might mean bright in German, but these name choices aren’t. If Hell was at a lower latitude, instead of Michigan, at least in the summer it would lend itself to ‘It’s hotter than Hell”, “No it isn’t” repartee.
6. Crapo, Maryland. Indeed.
7. Asbestos, Quebec.
Like Fleatown (below), don’t make any long term plans to stay. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the asbestos kitchen. Can explain the high absentee level due to incarceration/death at your next high school reunion.
8. Red Lick, Mississippi French Lick, Indiana, Lizard Lick, North Carolina. Larry Bird may have put French Lick on the map, but technical fouls all around and a clang off the irons for these burgs.
9. Dismal, Tennessee.
1. obsolete : disastrous, dreadful
2: showing or causing gloom or depression
3: lacking merit : particularly bad
10. Hicksville, New York. Probably not the most sophisticated center for learning and culture.
11. Boogertown, North Carolina. One good thing about Boogertown, is that it’s in Gaston County, Cito Gaston having captained the Toronto Blue Jays to back to back World Series wins. This may be a stretch, but why don’t YOU come up with something for a substance a construction worker shoots out his left nostril.
12. Fleatown, Ohio. Brought in from a curbside mattress. Don’t make any motel reservations.
13. Boring, Oregon. Truth in advertising. Oregon town uses Salt Lake City Utah’s de facto title.
14. Ogle, Kentucky. You may want to think twice about using the hotel pool. A creepy uncle at a 4-H jamboree, whose hugs linger on a little too long.
15. Hardup, Utah, Blueball Pennsylvania. When it comes to new names, these towns aren’t gettin’ any and neither are you.
16. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin. A city that’s tough on crime, but leaves you feeling compromised.
17. Rudeville, New Jersey. A ten-cent tip town.
18. Lynch, Kentucky / Swastika, Ontario. Not exactly doing wonders for the tourism industry, and hopefully not given to showing civic pride through parades. Even in Lynchburg, TN, where they make Jack Daniels, you can’t drown your sorrows as the county’s a dry one.
19. Downer, Minnesota. Dismal, TN’s sister city.
20. Recluse, Wyoming. Along with ‘no fixed address’ and ‘loner’ this term makes up the serial killer trifecta.
August 17th, 2008 at 5:23 am
Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
[...] is unappealing to each of the other senses as well. [*Editor’s note: It could be worse. It cread more | digg story Sphere: Related [...]
October 8th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
[...] Read even more horrible names given to cities. [...]
October 29th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
How about:
Climax, MI
Gay, MI
Christmas, MI
And… the city of Eden, MI is not far from Hell, MI. Imagine that.
November 30th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Kinda the same as Crapo, Maryland…but, there’s also a Crapaud, PE. And it’s pronounced the same :]
November 30th, 2008 at 6:03 am
How about Kickapoo, Texas… or better yet, Dumas, Texas
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:05 am
cockburn island, canada. its some where in the waters of the great lakes on the right side of Michigan… I remember seeing it on a map in a class of Michigan history about 10 years ago
February 16th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
As much as it may harm my reputation as a stud (note to self: develop reputation as stud) to admit this. I’ve been to Dildo and it was pretty fun. Of course, as often is the case when Dildo is involved, there was a LOT of alcohol involved …
February 17th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Haha…
Well done…
Speaking of Canada\’s east coast…we neglected to mention Placentia Bay, Newfoundland…too close to \’placenta\’ for comfort…
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I liked Boring, personally. :)
April 21st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I cant believe that they left Toad Suck, Arkansas off this list.
April 21st, 2009 at 10:14 pm
while “it’s hotter than hell” doesnt really work it does add a new meaning to the phrase “when hell freezes over”
April 21st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
and what about bucksnort, TN and monkeys eyebrow, KY
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:32 am
truth or consequences, nm.
mianus, ct.
goochland, va.
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Intercourse, PA
April 25th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Dorking, Ontario
April 26th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Knob Lick , Missouri! Beat that! Just a small town south of Farmington!
May 1st, 2009 at 5:27 pm
[...] Really silly webpage, but it made me smile. Did you know that there’s a city in Newfoundland named Dildo? Me, neither. The Shark Guys: 20 Worst City Names in North American: You Can’t Beat a a Dead Horse, Alaska [...]
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 am
Buttzville, NJ
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:59 am
You forgot,
Myanus, it is a name somewhere in the states.
I saw this in a jackass movie.
May 5th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Gnaw Bone, IN. Flea Market Capitol of the World.
May 5th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Missed
Bird In Hand (only a few miles from Blue Ball) and Intercourse
May 6th, 2009 at 3:04 am
Athol, Idaho – Just like you think it should sound!
May 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Beaver Lick and Big Bone Lick near Cincinnati
May 14th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Toad Suck, Arkansas—
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
I see you did not explore KENTUCKY Stinging Creek,BEAR WALLOW,tHOUSAND STICKS I COUD GO ON AND ON
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I saw this one the other day
“Lake in the Hills, IL” weird….