Tags: bad songs, bon jovi, cover songs, cover versions, top 10, worst songs
July 13, 2008 | lists, music
Bon Jovi’s baffling popularity has continued unabated for two decades now, however in our minds, there is nobody more deserving of both a solid drop kick to the ass, or a safe dropped on them from a sufficient height, than these crap-rock poster boys, whose music is so middle of the road, they have to watch their tour bus doesn’t veer into the median.
We figured we’d lace ‘em up and give ‘em a punt as our way of honoring the band (of sorts) and also in the spirit of celebrating the worst of everything. Here’s a mini tribute to Bon Jovi, the world’s most famous Bruce Springsteen tribute band with hairspray, inane songs and an inexplicably decent shot at making it into the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame.
Unlike some bands, the core group has remained relatively intact. This has enabled the Jersey boys to, with the consistency that can only be achieved with a stimulant laxative, churn out the same bland, soulless music year in, year out.
The sole exception to this ‘let’s not rock the boat since we don’t rock at all’ stability, was the booting of bass player Alec John Such (the soul of the group in that he sported soul patch facial hair), because he ‘couldn’t play his instrument’—a requirement obviously forgotten as few of the remaining members actually know how to play theirs (with the exception being David Bryan, the band’s keyboard player, who actually trained at the Juilliard School of Music, and judging by his current gig tickling the ivories with the Jersey dunder-heads, is about as overqualified as the ‘Ice Man’ Chuck Liddell doing security detail at a Girl Scouts Jamboree)
The guy who bears much of the responsibility for the band’s laser-guided mediocrity, is of course, their intrepid leader Jon Bon Jovi. JBJ is the welfare dole Bruce Springsteen— if Bruce had a tin ear, Meg Ryan’s hairstylist, and penned gems like ‘Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake, Luck ain’t even lucky’ instead of great songs like Born to Run, Highway Patrolman or Thunder Road.
It is not hyperbole to say that BJ represents everything wrong with modern music, or at least, modern horticultural hair music that became more bankrupt than Bear Stearns, creatively speaking, and peaked around oh, 1987, unbeknownst to the band.
Bon Jovi is a rummage sale clearing house version of The Boss. Their ‘rock-lite’ is more sanitized than a trauma burn unit and their Forest Gump libretti induces more projectile vomiting than the elimination round at a chili eating contest. If this wasn’t enough, and from our vantage point here it certainly is, their news anchor bobs will guarantee they’re a shoe-in for the next installment of ‘Old Men who Look Like Lesbians’.
The only thing worse than an actual Bon Jovi song, however, is Bon Jovi doing a version of someone else’s, automatically better original. Worse still, would be someone actually COVERING a Bon Jovi song, but to the best of our knowledge, the likelihood of this occurring is about as probable as a meteor the size of the state of New Jersey striking the earth.
Here is Bon Jovi doing what they do best, killing well-loved songs. Luckily for all concerned, these are so popular that nobody would mistake them for Bon Jovi originals and mislead any future generations. Here, in no particular order, because the pork rendering plant stench emanating from each, is indistinguishable from the other, is our 10 Worst Bon Jovi Covers of All Time:
10. Save the Last Dance for Me, Pomus and Shuman. Among the ‘better’ song on this list, only in the sense that it’s better to have testicular cancer than say, lung. The presence of Willy Deville’s voice means fewer verses for JBJ
9. You Were Always on My Mind made famous by Elvis & Willie Nelson. Since his battle with the IRS, legendary Willie Nelson seems contractually obligated to work with just about anyone, and unfortunately this includes the Bon Jovi frontman
8. Rockin’ in the Free World, Neil Young. This ‘free world’ musically speaking, is more like a police state run by a strong-armed military junta
7. Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen. The second piece of Canadiana desecrated by the Garden State purveyors of garden-variety pop rock, that neither pops nor rocks.
6. I Thank You, Hayes & Porter, as performed by Sam & Dave. Debasing the Stax Records legacy. Thanks, but no thanks
5. Not Fade Away, Buddy Holly & Norman Petty, made famous by Buddy Holly & the Crickets. Contrary to the wishes of music fans, Bon Jovi have been living up to the title
4. Fever Eddie Cooley & John Davenport, made famous by Peggy Lee
A rectal thermometer would fail to detect any heat emanating from this lukewarm version.
3. Twist & Shout by Phil Medley & Bert Russell, made famous by the Isley Brothers and the Fab Four. If the Isley Brothers got wind of this, they’d commit fratricide.
2. Help by Lennon & McCartney. This is beyond ‘Help’. If Paul McCartney heard this, he’d pummel Jon Bon with Heather Mills’ peg leg
1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. by Otis Redding, made famous by Aretha Franklin
Bon Jovi’s ironic, disrespectful take on Redding’s classic
A magnificent hatchet job, gentlemen, and I can’t even stand Springsteen. I do have a vague recollection that Elvis Costello, of all people, once did an ‘ironic’ Bon Jovi cover. It may have been ‘Bad Medicine’. In any case, it was almost certainly revenge for this.
Tim, that is absolutely heinous…if this was a Top 10, that would definitely warrant consideration.
I’m off to listen to the High School Musical Soundtrack to rid my ears of the debacle that is Bon Jovi. Yeah, it’s that bad. Zac Efphron’s gasps for air seem poetic in comparison. OK, not really. It all sucks but I’ve not had coffee in spite of your warnings.
From all us BonJovi Fans here’s a nice BIG hefty
F*&! OFF
Ok guys. I understand that you’re bloggers and that it’s difficult to come up with fresh material. You know, sort of like most musicians that “won’t fade away.” But honestly, Springsteen has always sucked and at least Bon Jovi did Wanted, Dead or Alive. And over 25 million albums sold? Someone likes him. Think I’ll write a blog about the 10 worst blogs, and yep, you guys make the grade.
Thanks Dave.
Keep us posted on that blog. As far as keeping things fresh, this posting was from July of 08.
You might want to try refreshing your browser.
Touché. How do you do that “refresh” thingy anyway? I thought I’d been reading a lot of old news lately. If I decide to do the blog, can we link up? Nobody reads mine.