July 4, 2008
We are both Canadian, as those who are close to us and those who update our driver’s licenses every 10 years know (these two groups are, for now, mutually exclusive… but we’re working on buttering up a few of the people who give the eyesight test).
However, we have enjoyed numerous benders throughout the United States, most memorably in New Orleans, Nashville and New York City (Doc Holliday’s currently has a plaque by our barstools which we visit on occasion to spit shine), California, and a fair number of ports of call in between. The vast majority of the stories in our book, “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery” took place in the USA and, while that might not be something that McCain or Obama would mention in patriotic speeches while campaigning, it is something that we greatly appreciate.
As such, we’d like to extend our wishes for a happy fourth of July to our American friends, and, going that one step further, we’d also like to offer a gift of sorts on this auspicious day, a Shark Guys look at The Top 10 Fourth of July party gear. It may be too late for this merch to brighten up this Fourth of July, but as with Christmas lights on the house in June, it’s never too early to get ready for an upcoming holiday even if it’s months off. So here it is…
The Shark Guys guide to Fourth of July Party Gear!
1) Stars and Stripes Guitar-Shaped Belt-Buckle and Bottle Opener: This product, which can be yours for the low-low price of $15.99, is quite possibly the 
greatest patriotic item in the history of mankind. Are we exaggerating? Short answer: No. This is for the patriotic citizen who is looking to spend his Independence Day kicking ass and chewing bubblegum, but who suddenly finds himself lacking completely in bubble gum. Not only is this item rock n’ roll by its very shape — tell us you don’t think of Jimi Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner when you clock your eyes on to that — but it’s also an extremely versatile product.
greatest patriotic item in the history of mankind. Are we exaggerating? Short answer: No. This is for the patriotic citizen who is looking to spend his Independence Day kicking ass and chewing bubblegum, but who suddenly finds himself lacking completely in bubble gum. Not only is this item rock n’ roll by its very shape — tell us you don’t think of Jimi Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner when you clock your eyes on to that — but it’s also an extremely versatile product.First it will help hold up your pants, and if you’re going to be cutting loose on the dance floor this Independence Day, that’s a mighty important thing. Two, you can open your beers on it. What’s more, you can make friends, and possibly win a future wife, by letting others open their beers on your belt. Of course, any bar where belt-buckles like this are the norm might be the kind of place where a broken nose and a fist-fight are part of the floor show. That is where it’s third use comes in: as a weapon. What better way to celebrate your country’s birthday then by leaving the impression of Ole’ Glory on some idiot’s forehead?
2) American Flag-themed rolling papers: While marijuana is still illegal under US federal law, several states have decriminalized in it. In California, you can get a medical permit to access enough of the stuff to make Snoop Dogg want to throw up from the smell. Celebrate the great freedoms in the US that only promise to get greater as the decriminalization of pot continues by sparking up an Independence Day joint that is the size of Shaq’s middle finger using these appropriately-themed rolling papers.
3) Budweiser American Eagle Beer-tap Handle: Frank Zappa once said “You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” America’s beer (for lack of a better term, as a Belgian mega-brewer has since taken it over) and a surprisingly popular choice in Ireland where there is better beer (like Beamish) on tap, is Budweiser. We cannot trash talk this brew too too much as we have our own similarly shite beers in Canada, thank you Messers Molson and Labatt. This ornamental beer tap however can be put on any sort of brew and you can put a piece of masking tape over the Budweiser name. Drinking draft beer is about the most pleasantly patriotic thing we can think of doing, and what better way to do that then by tapping the symbol of American freedom, and the motif for many a bad tattoo, the bald eagle.
4) Story of the American Revolution Beer Stein: You’ve sat through hours of history class in school and made a concerted effort to forget what you were learning the moment it hit your ears. You watched the HBO John Adams miniseries and enjoyed it, but couldn’t reconcile one of your founding fathers being played by that guy from Sideways who slurped wine out of a McDonald’s super-sized cup.So how do you keep up with a conversation on patriotism and the American tradition on this auspicious day? By guzzling beer from one of these handsomely decorated beer steins. Running along the sides of the beer steins are four of the most important battles of the revolutionary war — the Battle of Bunker Hill, the Battle of Princeton, the Battles of Saratoga and the Siege of Yorktown. Remembering these four names and remarking, “Ah, it really gets to you when you think of the fine men who fought at [insert name of battle depending on position of stein at the time of utterance].” If you’re drinking with fellow patriots, and you are drinking in public (the latter unlikely unless you are the kind of guy who brings his own stein to the bar, in which case we salute you) someone may even buy you a round.
5) US Military Pool Cue Set: Americans may not have invented the game of billiards, but they have certainly produced some of its finest champions, invariably dubbed ‘Fats’ and they most definitely have made the best movies on the sport — we’re talking “The Hustler”, not its inferior sequel which Martin Scorsese made to pay off creditors. The cues can be purchased separately and there is one each for the Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy, Coast Guard, and the U.S. Flag. This is the ideal way to support the troops on Independence Day, acknowledge the sacrifices made by past generations so that you could enjoy your present freedoms, and win 10 bucks by hustling some rube who thinks you can’t play worth a damn.
