June 11, 2008
As a captive audience for ‘PS I Love you’ (not the kind of captive audience that could at least drown out the dialogue by banging a tin cup across the bars) we observed something interesting: not only did the bits between the opening and closing credits nicely combat jet lag, but there are certain actors whose films are more likely to be shown on commercial flight.
While many of these same films would also render comatose a more earth-bound audience, in-flight screenings are to worn out travelers, who’d rather be down for the count before the rolling of the credits or the drinks cart.
Unless you’re in first class, you’re likely to encounter nose-hair curling B.O. coming out of your seatmate and re-circulated throughout the cabin, howling infants and limits on how many miniature bottles of whiskey can be downed before a stern reprimand and a dip into your duty-free stash.
The in-flight movie is meant to be a two-hour diversion from such unpleasantness—something you can focus your eyes on—that is, if the patella bones jammed into them by a reclining seat hasn’t left black marks.
We have no idea on what basis these films are selected, but if cabin pressure was lost and the last image preempting your life passing before your eyes was the giant melon of Queen Latifah, like discount sushi, that’d be a raw deal indeed.
In PS I Love You, shown on an Amsterdam to Toronto flight and mercifully, not the reverse as well, or else the integrity of the cabin door would’ve been tested for a stroll into space, Hilary Swank portrays a woman haunted by letters left to her by her dying husband (who at least had the good sense to drop dead and remove himself from the production entirely).
These communiqués were to ‘help her get on with her life’ once hubby was dispatched to that great airplane hangar in the sky; This, despite what is obvious to everyone else on screen, on board the plane, your seat-mate who is drooling like a bull mastiff and the co-pilot too— that it is in fact doing the exact opposite, and is indisputably creepy.
Here is a list of the top actors in Hollywood who are most likely to make you wish you’d remembered to pack a sleep mask, or got a dog instead of that Tampa time-share.
10. Perennial 30-something slacker, Matthew McConaughey has a film resume peppered with in-flight staples (Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days), films so long and wretched, you’d wish someone would re-commission the Concorde to make that transatlantic trip in 3 hours, just long enough to ensure that once complimentary peanuts are doled out and supersonic gas fumes inhaled, there wouldn’t be time left to take in any of his rotten oeuvre.
9. Sandra Bullock. On a trip to Milan several years back, one of us was initiated into a select fraternity: not the Freemasons, which would’ve meant bypassing the lineups in the country’s finest museums and voting in Italian elections, but along with several hundred or so of my fellow passengers, we were forced to sit through Miss Congeniality, not once, but twice. In this ostensible comedy, Bullock plays an FBI agent who, to thwart a bombing, must go undercover in a beauty pageant despite being old enough to have given birth to all the contestants. Her latest work, ‘All About Steve’ is currently in post-production, and judging by the title alone, you’ll be treated to it on that trip to Heathrow or Charles de Gaulle sometime next year.
8. Kirsten Dunst. Though still quite young, the fanged blonde has a longer career in commercial aviation-related entertainment ahead of her than the guy who spells out the names of married people in the sky, having shown great potential in Bring it On, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and of course, Spider Man I and II.
7. Owen Wilson earned his wings in several charter-ready flicks, including the extraordinarily unwatchable Drillbit Taylor, The Darjeeling Limited, You, Me and Dupree, Starsky & Hutch and Night at the Museum (which felt like three nights and four days)
6. Ryan Reynolds has a crappy in-flight movie resume longer than the runway for the new Airbus A380, with Definitely Maybe, The In-Laws, Chaos Theory and Just Friends. Apropos of nothing, he was once engaged to the ironically talented Alanis (Why the long face?) Morissette.
5. Kate Hudson. Since giving a decent accounting of herself in Cameron Crowe’s Almost Famous, the offspring of Goldie Hawn and somebody almost famous named Hudson, has rung up a string of flicks that have been shown while cruising at 30,000 feet. These include How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Alex & Emma, Le Divorce, Raising Helen, You, Me and Dupree and Fool’s Gold. Her place in this list will be solidified well into 2010 with the filming of Bride Wars and My Best Friend’s Girl, flicks that passengers will comfortably doze through shortly, barring any kind of heavy turbulence or hijacking threats.
4. Dermot Mulroney. With Griffin & Phoenix, The Family Stone, Must Love Dogs and the Wedding Date under his belt, Mulroney is a shoe-in for the world of fixed wing propulsive thrust cinema.
3. Robin Williams. Unlike leg-warmers and hairspray, the hirsute Williams’ coke-fueled ‘humor’ has not seen a resurgence in popularity from the 80s. The guy responsible for not only writing the book on family-friendly, barely serviceable comedy, but penning the foreword and editing it as well, RW has added to the dreariness of modern flight with RV, Man of the Year, Night at the Museum, License to Wed, Patch Adams, Goodwill Hunting, Mrs Doubtfire, Toys, Hook, Awakenings, and Dead Poets Society.
2. Julia Roberts is the queen of feel-good fare that should have an FAA restriction on it, Notting Hill, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Runaway Bride, America’s Sweethearts, Full Frontal (in which she isn’t) Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile, though it’s more of a smirk.
1. Hugh Grant. The undisputed king, the Sovereign of the Skies and the only member of this list, whose each and every film could upset stomachs between in-flight meals.
Honorable Mention: Queen Latifah
