June 11, 2008
As a captive audience for PS I Love You, and not the kind of captive audience that could at least interrupt the proceedings by shanking the warden, it seems there are certain actors whose films are more likely to be shown on commercial flights than others.
Unlike a typical movie theater audience, for whom dozing off would be a common, though unintended outcome for many of these movies, in-flight screenings are to 300 plus worn out travelers, who’d rather be sleeping before the rolling of either the opening credits or the drinks cart.
Like trains before them, the first commercial flights were long ago associated with all the glamor and prestige of a champagne and orange juice breakfast rather than today when they’re more commonly linked to microwavable butter chicken/unidentifiable protein plastic tray repasts.
These days, unless you’re in first class, where cherries dipped in Belgian chocolate are dangled into eager mouths, you’re more likely to encounter nose-hair singeing B.O. re-circulated throughout the cabin, howling infants who due to FAA restrictions unfortunately cannot be stowed in overhead compartments and limits on how many rum & Cokes can be downed before a stern reprimand and a dip into that duty free gin that sits in your carry on.
The in-flight movie is meant to be a two-hour diversion from such unpleasantness, not to mention the strain of patella bones jammed into eye sockets with the impromptu reclining of the seat in front, whose occupant then goes on to remove their socks, an apt sensory accompaniment to the on-screen ‘entertainment’.
The problem is, these bottom-feeding MOR vehicles don’t dare offend anyone, so what the weary traveler is left with, are some of the films listed here.
In PS I Love You, shown on a recent Amsterdam to Toronto flight and mercifully, not the reverse as well, or else the integrity of the cabin door would’ve been tested for a quick exit into space, either Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank portray a woman haunted by posthumous letters left by her husband.
[Editor's note: it's very likely Swank and Garner are the same person, though confirmatory calls to her/their agent have gone unreturned]
These dispatches, carefully prepared by the hubbie while he knew he’d be dispatched to that great, big, airplane hangar in the sky, were designed ostensibly to help her ‘get on with her life’. This, despite what is obvious to everyone else on screen, the cockpit crew, your seat-mate who is drooling like a bull mastiff and anyone who’s stowed luggage under their seats— that it is in fact doing the exact opposite, and is undeniably creepy.
Here is a list of the top actors in Hollywood who are most likely to make you wish you’d remembered to pack a sleep mask, or decided against that Tampa time-share.
Perennial 30-something slacker, Matthew McConaughey has a film resume peppered with in-flight staples (Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sahara), films so lengthy and wretched, you’d wish Air France would re-commission the Concorde to make that transatlantic trip in 3 hours, long enough to ensure that once meals are served, complimentary peanuts doled out, and supersonic gas fumes inhaled, there wouldn’t be time left to take in any of his rotten oeuvre.
Sandra Bullock. On a trip to Milan, Italy several years back, I was initiated into a select fraternity: not the Freemasons, 
which would’ve meant bypassing the lineups in the country’s finest museums and voting in their election, but along with several hundred or so of my fellow passengers, we were forced to sit through Miss Congeniality, not once, but twice. In this ostensible comedy, which guffaw for guffaw, easily matched that of the Asian tsunami disaster, Bullock plays an FBI agent who, to thwart a bombing, must go undercover in a beauty pageant despite being old enough to have given birth to all the contestants. Her latest work, ‘All About Steve’ is currently in post-production, and judging by the title alone, you’ll be treated to it on that trip to Heathrow or Charles de Gaulle sometime next year.
Kirsten Dunst. Though still quite young, the fanged blonde has a lengthy career in commercial aviation-related entertainment ahead of her, having shown great potential in Bring it On, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and of course, Spider Man I and II.
Owen Wilson earned his wings in several charter-ready flicks, including the extraordinarily unwatchable Drillbit Taylor, The Darjeeling Limited, You, Me and Dupree, Starsky & Hutch, Night at the Museum.
Ryan Reynolds has a crappy in-flight movie resume longer than the runway for the new Airbus A380, with Definitely Maybe, The In-Laws, Chaos Theory and Just Friends. Apropos of nothing, he was once engaged to the ironically talented Alanis (Why the long face?) Morissette.
Kate Hudson. Since giving a decent accounting of herself in the Cameron Crowe period piece 
Almost Famous, the offspring of Goldie Hawn and somebody almost famous named Hudson, has rung up a string of flicks that have been shown while cruising at 30,000 feet. These include How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Alex & Emma, Le Divorce, Raising Helen, You, Me and Dupree and Fool’s Gold. Her place in this list will be solidified well into 2010 with the filming of Bride Wars and My Best Friend’s Girl (currently in post production), flicks that passengers will comfortably doze through shortly, barring any kind of heavy turbulence or hijacking threats.
Dermot Mulroney. With Griffin & Phoenix, The Family Stone, Must Love Dogs and the Wedding Date under his belt, Mulroney is a shoe-in for the world of fixed wing propulsive thrust cinema.
Robin Williams. Unlike leg-warmers and hairspray, the hirsute Williams’ coke-fueled ‘humor’ has not seen a resurgence in popularity from the 80s. The guy responsible for not only writing the book on family-friendly, barely serviceable comedy, but penning the foreword and editing it as well, RW has added to the dreariness of modern flight with RV, Man of the Year, Night at the Museum, License to Wed, Patch Adams, Goodwill Hunting, Mrs Doubtfire, Toys, Hook, Awakenings, and Dead Poets Society.
Julia Roberts Roberts is the queen of feel-good fare that should have an FAA restriction on it, Notting Hill, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Runaway Bride, America’s Sweethearts, Full Frontal (in which she isn’t) Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile, though it’s more of a smirk.
Hugh Grant. The undisputed king, the Sovereign of the Skies and the only member of this list, whose each and every film could upset stomachs between in-flight meals.
