May 7, 2008
Based on the dismal two-term bargain basement presidency of George W, we can make this blanket statement: tipplers make better presidents than teetotalers as anyone up to this point, including notorious booze-hound Dick Nixon, has been a better president.
Dubya, who was a lot more fun back when his nose was more full of the white stuff than a face-planting Picabo Street or when he indulged in the occasional brew, hasn’t enjoyed a drop in nearly a decade (he was photographed at a 2007 summit in Germany, swilling a piss-poor non alcoholic ‘near beer’, a nearly punishable offense in that country, not to mention a product brewed by mediocre foreign rival Heineken that luckily didn’t result in an international incident)
The current crop of Oval Office aspirants, though, are no strangers to the odd bevvie, and currently reaching out to voters, by reaching for the occasional pint.
Automaton former first lady Hillary has been urged to ‘loosen up a bit’ and is taking this to heart as she compounded her populist rhetoric recently by pounding back a few on the campaign trail at a Fort Wayne, Indiana watering hole. [Editor's note: forced banter with someone sporting a 'DAD' sweatshirt and prominent under-bite, in a state more backward than the Hebrew alphabet is best undertaken with a few dollops of liquid courage]
According to a local wine-and-spirits representative with no vested interest whatsoever, “I think she’d loosen up better” [if she had a few]
In terms of jump starting the economy and decreasing income inequality, her campaign platform would be well served to include the following bit of wobbly, booze-friendly research (correlation not implying causation here, unless the profs are springing for the tab). According to a study out of San Jose State U, where you can major in advanced beachcombing, “drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than those who refrain from drinking”, with females representing the higher end of the spectrum.
Also, and this will provide a built-in pretext for browbeaten hubbies to have a few hours’ respite from the missus–men who go to a bar at least once a month earn an additional 7 percent on top of the 10 percent drinking premium. Of course, we’d expect diminishing returns if this figure were to include more than ____(insert double digit figure deemed appropriate here)
Here’s rival Obama gingerly sipping on a pint in PA, perhaps aiming to close the gap between beer drinkers and wine drinkers, the former predominantly GOP voters according to the latest CNN Lou Dobbs book-ending filler poll.
