Hallelujah! Now Pass the Beer Nuts: Ministry to Open in Bar

Barring getting lost on the way back from an after-hours bar and popping into one to grab a nap on the way home, it is unlikely that you will see either of the Shark Guys occupying church pew space on a Sunday morning. That said, this story did nearly cause a religious conversion of Paul on the Road to Damascus-like power. It was later determined that the bright lights we thought we saw and errantly attributed to a beacon from a celestial lighthouse were caused by a combination of dehydration and standing up too fast.

Pope Benedict XVI (Return of the Robed One) is currently on his first visit to the US, which has the third-largest Catholic population in the world – this is a fact made most clear in Mafia movies in which gangsters, despite being pimps, killers and thieves of the worst order, can still be counted on to put on a clean shirt for little Antoinette’s baptism. The pope’s goal this time round is to inject a little enthusiasm into a faith knocked sideways by the scandals of various touchy-feely fathers (of the spurned “Russian hands and Roman fingers” sect) and the fact that even Mother Teresa was recently found to have been a closet atheist.

We wish him all the best, but really if he wants to see those collection plates filling up like they did in the good old days when the church owned everything and had the business end of a bayonet ready for naysayers, we suggest he pay attention to the moves made recently by a reverend in Sidney, Ohio. The senior pastor of Sidney First United Methodist Church decided to move his ministry, saying, “We want to minister to them where they are”. If you’ve been reading this blog regularly, you’ll know exactly where they are: at the bar. Thus the reverend has decided to open the Country Rock Church in the Pub Lounge, a typical bar located off the interstate.

The worship sessions will feature “food, fun, and faith”, and those lacking in the third category might just end up converted if the integral fourth “F” – free-flowing booze – is also on offer.