February 25, 2008
This morning, rather than remark on last night’s goings on, Oscar-wise and the obviously amazing adhesive properties of the primer used to affix John Travolta’s hair to his bald noggin, or the nearly comatose presenter Harrison Ford (indistinguishable from the best performances he’s ever given, minus the leather vests), we decided to focus on ‘Best Drunk Performance During Commission of a Federal Felony’, courtesy of a Chicago bank robber. [Editor's Note: Of course, in the event any of our seat filler insiders aren't shaken down and tossed out onto Hollywood Blvd and beaten, we'll give you updates on whichever drunken celebrity does something worthy of noting here.]
In the Shark Book, we chronicled a blotto bank heist that ended inauspiciously when the ‘robbin’ hood’ headed to the nearest bar (and we’re not speaking euphemistically here as it was two blocks over) and tried to buy rounds with his security ink-stained loot.
A Windy City brigand, following in that guy’s shuffling foot-steps, made the unorthodox move of showing his identification prior to tipping off the teller that he was half in the bag, while instructing them to fill it.
“I’m drunk, lower the money, give me $2,000 right now in one hundred dollar bills. Right now, I don’t want to hurt anyone!” he drawled, reaching over and attempting to grab loot from the drawer.
A witness directed Chicago’s finest to a restaurant one and a half blocks from the bank, where they found a man who fit the description of the robber just 15 minutes after the robbery.
Apparently, in the interceding 14 minutes, he had outstanding debts to pay as a bank audit reported $213 missing, and $18 was found on the suspect at the time of his arrest.
Posted by thesharkguys @ 10:00 am
