Drunk 'Grim Reaper' Arrested: Death Warmed Over Slightly

Unfortunately, the online Christmas shopping season has come and gone so you might be forced to defer your philanthropy in the form of some promissory gift note indicating that "the George Foreman grill is on its way, I swear". Sadly, at this late juncture, no warp-speed-porn downloading internet service provider or benevolent FedEx guy is going to save your yuletide bacon and ensure your gift arrives in its intended hands by the 25th. At best, you’re resigned to rummaging through the garage for a suitable gift that hasn't been soiled by raccoons or packing a can of bear repellent for a last ditch trip to a big box outlet.

Of course, there are those people for whom a holiday gift is a priority hovering slightly above poinsettias for an off-hours plumber, and for whom you can shop worry-free as your paths aren’t likely to cross until well after the Christmas eggnog spills have been mopped up. For these folk and loved ones alike--whose stockings once hung by the chimney with care, and by February are likely to be in a moldy basement in a box alongside defective Christmas lights---may we suggest the delightful compendium, The Man who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, available for the first time in the lower 49 states and possibly Alaska.

In The Shark Book and in previous posts, we've warned of the dangers of drinking while in costume, not recommended either for lay-folk or those taking part in dog park productions of The Tempest, as while it would appear they would make your drunken exploits less conspicuous by virtue of anonymity, it does just the opposite.

Case in point, in Lancaster, England, a man celebrating his mate's birthday and getting tighter than a pawn shop handshake on excess lager and vodka, got separated from his drinking buddies and ended up wandering around lost and nearly naked on a beach. The man, cold and wet decided to seek shelter posthaste as Northwest England is not in the Rolodex of location scouts as a suitable substitute for Malibu. He climbed through a window of a local town hall, where according to newspaper reports he "soiled his underwear and threw them into a black bin-bag. " Stark naked, he happened upon what looked to be the Grim Reaper. Not compelled to shake hands or engage in an interminable chess match, he soon realized that it was just a costume, which he put on before wandering over to a local police station, where he unsurprisingly had to wait for several hours as this isn't the type of garment that gets you top drawer customer service.

The case, which had one probation officer leaving the courtroom in a fit of laughter, and dubbed "strange but serious," by the defense counsel, resulted in a conditional discharge for burglary and trespassing.