October 26, 2007
It’s fashionable in some lefty circles to bash Wal-Mart, and since we occasionally travel in those circles ourselves and fear getting our asses kicked (although it would at least 6-7 filthy hippies to take down the two-fisted authors of The Shark Book–and that’s on a good day) we figured instead of giving the Walton Family a slap down and a shiner, we’d focus on the positives they bring to a community.
One, Wal-Mart’s mass purchasing power drives down the price of hooch, helping to generate much-needed material for a Shark sequel. Two, there’s the deep sense of camaraderie when everyone works for the same company (and all those fun ’guess which month I got hired/guess my state-penitentiary like employee number’ games to boost workplace morale) and finally, any whistle stop where the 900-pound retail gorilla sets up shop, has its downtown core obliterated within several months–making it less of a go-to destination for the rummy set and thereby beautifying the town (and without having to invest in the maintenance and upkeep of all those flower baskets)
Also, by having the behemoth roll in like a Panzer tank with its brakes cut, it keeps those complacent Ma & Pa operations on their toes—time to pony up for that MBA Mr and Mrs Krakowski, and fire that slow kid who mops the walk-in fridge or your corner deli is going to be boarded up more quickly than a tin shack in hurricane season.
In rural Wisconsin, a man chose to endanger his health via channels other than a shopping spree involving lead-based Chinese imports, by helping himself to seven bottles of spiked Jack Daniels Lynchburg Lemonade at a Mukwonago Wal-Mart. (Editor’s note: in the interest of full disclosure, the authors were treated to a very fine tour of the Jack Daniels distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee a few years back and had we been wandering down that same Wal-Mart aisle, there’s no doubt we would’ve steered the man in question down a better path—to a bottle of their premium Gentleman Jack)
According to police, who nabbed the man with security video, he “broke his 16-month streak and didn’t know how he was going to tell his wife,” when he was caught guzzling the 12 ounce bottles of the hard stuff. [read full story here]
