October 20, 2007
Unless you’re Italian, romancing a woman on the French Riviera, a woman, or in the best-case daydream scenario, all of the above, it’s hard to pull off “scooter cool”. If you dug out a Ouija board to buzz Jimmy Dean, he’d refer you to George Clooney’s personal stylist so that you could be slapped bitchily upside the noggin for the mere suggestion of such a thing.
Scooters, often called “Vespas” by people whose self-loathing is so profound they can’t come to terms with the fact they’re driving scooters, are quite possibly the most uncool conveyance this side of a Segway scooter helmed by a black-stockinged, sandal-wearer whose comb-over isn’t even messed up by the lack of a breeze kicked up by his lame ride.
A Kentucky man piloting a scooter, likely worried that he’d have to suffer justifiable raillery from his buddies, did his very best approximation of cool—licking his fingers and pulling out a wad of cash and counting it—undoubtedly among the coolest of maneuvers, especially at the craps table—were it not that he was attempting to bribe an arresting DUI officer with a line of crap.
The suspect, according to officials, “flipped money open to reveal $100 bills,” and, in a move reminiscent of The Shark Book authors when the tab is about to be settled, promised more $$$ at a later date, saying “I will give you $3,500 to make sure that warrant doesn’t go through that jail”. The guy had an outstanding warrant for a probation violation of a felony theft, so we can speculate as to how he came by the $500 in his wallet, (how he arrived at the $3,500 figure we can’t hope to guess), but in a very bald-faced act, he did offer the arresting officer a number to call to collect the rest.
